These Are the Wine Etiquette Rules We Sommeliers All Think Are Complete Nonsense

I couldn’t give a fig how you hold your wine glass

I don’t even know where it all started, these etiquette rules people think wine lives and dies by.

Rules like carefully assessing your wine before you drink it.

Rules like having specific glasses for specific wines.

Rules like spitting your wine.

Because most of it is bull.

A lot of it is smoke and mirrors fabricated by people who are nervous to admit they don’t know much about wine, so fall back on clichés and things they learnt in the media (big mistake).

Take it from me, someone who has been around the wine block for the last 11 years. Most wine etiquette rules are complete nonsense.

Which is good news for you because it means you can forget about how you think you should approach wine and get on with the most interesting part.

Drinking and enjoying it.

Repeat after me: you only need one type of wine glass

You don’t need red and white wine glasses. You don’t need Port and brandy glasses. You don’t even need Champagne flutes or coupes.

All you need is one type of glass, one that ideally looks like this:

I’ve talked about this before and I’m telling you again because it’s that important. All you need is a glass that is relatively narrow and tapered at the top.

That’s it.

No one worth their salt is going to sneer at you because you served sparkling wine or red wine in a glass like this. And if they do, send them my way.

Personally, I have a set of six Spiegelau all-purpose glasses and nothing else. These glasses work when top-drawer winemakers come for dinner as much as when my dad (who likes his wine with a shot of vodka) does.

And that’s the last word on that.

Outside of the classroom, you don’t have to assess wine every time you drink one

I once went to the birthday of one of the most famous winemakers in the world. Before we started the evening he told me:

Drink fast or you might miss a bottle.

He was right — the bottles flew. I have no idea how many I tried but it must have been at least 50 in a few short hours.

If I had stopped to assess each one — holding it up to the light, swirling, sniffing, writing notes — I’d have missed out on trying wines only the very privileged (and chancers like me) ever get a snifter of.

Unless you’re in an educational scenario, you don’t have to do all that jazz if you don’t want to. You can drink and enjoy and no one in wine is ever going to think any less of you.

Promise.

You don’t need to name myriad (very specific) wine flavours

This idea that a wine can taste like red fruit in your Grandma’s garden, the graphite of a 2B pencil you owned in 2nd grade and the inside of a seven-year-old Slavonian chestnut barrel is, for the most part, BS.

Yes, some wines are incredibly complex and will make you think about all these things.

But not all wine. Most everyday ones are simply made and thus have simple flavours. There’s nothing wrong with that — not every wine has to be a bottled epiphany.

The problem is that people have been duped by wine experts (especially those on TV) that you should be able to name 20 different flavours in every glass. And if you can’t, your palate isn’t very “developed.”

Nope.

This smell business is hard to do, even for a seasoned professional. I know BS when I see it and take it from me, I see it all the time with people who claim to smell very specific aromas.

You don’t even need to pronounce a single flavour if you don’t want to, or can’t define one. It does. Not. Matter. Even with wine pros.

In fact, especially with wine pros. I can’t remember the last time I sat around a table of professionals who spent significant time on aroma profiles. It’s all a bit…wanky.

Which means you don’t have to do it either.

This is the very last word on spitting wine

Unless you are a professional at a big wine tasting, you never need to spit your wine.

As a pro, you only swallow the first time you go to a tasting like this. 100 samples down and you vow never to make the same mistake again.

That’s why we spit. Either that or we’re on dry January / driving / on alcohol-unfriendly medication and still have to do our job.

The rest of the time? Hell no.

If you are a consumer, there is no time any wine professional will expect you to spit unless you want to. If you’ve paid good money to attend a wine tasting at a local wine store, you don’t have to ask if you should spit the wine unless you want or need to.

Swallow the damn thing, it cost you enough.

Holding the glass’s bowl, not stem? Whatever

According to social media, one of the biggest wine faux pas you can make is holding a wine glass by the bowl, not the stem.

Or worse, buying stemless glasses.

*Eye-roll.*

Yes, doing this warms up your wine quicker. But come on, that’s hardly the biggest crime against wine I’ve seen.

If you want to hold your glass by the bowl then that’s up to you. Some wines respond well to being a little warmer anyway, especially if you keep your fridge super cold.

It’s not that big a deal and no one worth listening to in the wine world is going to judge you for it.

Finally, the biggest etiquette-busting rule of all

Don’t take wine so damn seriously.

No one says it has to be all gold button blazers, silent rooms, and one-upmanship.

It can be fun.

I’ve noticed that engaged consumers — people who drink a lot of wine and know a little bit about it but are not professionals — are the most guilty of taking wine way too seriously.

You’ll probably know one or two. Those who bend your ear about Bordeaux vintages for hours on end, have a whole cupboard of wine gadgets they insist on showing off, or take over the wine list at a restaurant:

Those who, frankly, think a lot of the rules above matter.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Unless they’re entertaining big-wig clients, most winemakers, importers, bar and store owners — and anyone else in the trade — will never take wine all that seriously.

We talk about it for sure. We will geek out on soil types and vintages. But we also know wine’s place in the world.

To socially lubricate. To facilitate a good time. To get you up and dancing.

Wine is meant to be fun. Remember that.

And here are some rules worth sticking with

Swirl your wine

You don’t need a milk frother or some fancy machine to get oxygen into your wine (which enhances flavours). Just swirl.

Slurp through your teeth

Your dentist will hate you but if you learn how to slurp your wine (head down, make a small O with your mouth, and drag air in through the liquid), you will massively improve the flavour of any wine.

Try it. It makes a ridiculous difference.

Never fill a glass to the top

In my house we call this pouring a dad glass thanks to my father-in-law’s propensity to overfill a glass.

If you want that precious, precious oxygen to do wonderful things to your wine, you’re leaving it no room if you brim your glass.

Take it down to a quarter full and get your swirl on instead.

There’s a lot that matters in wine. These etiquette rules are not part of that list.

At the end of the day, wine is on this earth to be enjoyed. Sure, get your head down and learn a bit more. Sure, ask questions. I’m always here to help with that.

But don’t get stuck down the wrong rabbit hole. The one that keeps you worrying about all the wrong things like being fancy with your different wine gadgets or getting your Wordsworth on with your wine descriptions.

Once you forget about the things that don’t matter and focus on the ones that do, you’re going to have a much better time when it comes to your wine imbibing.

I’ll leave you here with a quote from the excellent Shitty Wine Memes that perfectly sums up all we’re talking about here:

If it gets in your mouth — you did it. You drank wine properly.

In the end, that’s all that matters.

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