These 2 Things Don’t Line-Up. You Need 2 Fix It.

What you write about, I don’t enjoy reading.

We need to get back to the true meaning and purpose of why we started writing: to make money.

Yes, I know, writing is a terrible, terrible way to make money. Many entry-level jobs trounce on our profession’s ability to earn income. Not saying it’s impossible to make millions, but it’s rare. We know this. Yet we still do it.

To make ourselves feel better, we tell ourselves it is for the love of writing, the joy of the journey, the bliss of experience. Bullshit. You came here because you wanted some money. If not, then why aren’t you still at WordPress or Blogger?

My realization — don’t be a snob

Writers get caught in this terrible circle-jerk of archaic flowery. We go from Pepsi-chugging, pizza-eating human beings to tea-sipping, classical-music-listening elitists with our pinkies and noses up in the air. God, please make it stop.

We pretentiously plop out what we call “art” at the expense of the reader. We belong to book groups and hire editors to ensure our adjectives align and our commas don’t splice. Take, prickish, this, editors.

“How did you come to this realization, Ryan?”

I’m glad you asked. I began to think about what I like to read. I’m not talking about stuff I read to improve myself or to learn something. I’m talking about the type of reading material I prefer to consume. There’s a difference!

Okay, allow me to illustrate. Two article titles. You’re at home, after a long day’s work. You want to relax and enjoy some reading time. What do you pick:

• “The Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 Vaccine to Prevent SARS-CoV-2”, or
• “I Had a Sex Doll that My Husband Didn’t Know About”*

*Notice one of those two ends in a preposition.

Guess which article I picked to read?

Guess which article most writers spend their time writing about?

Making money is much more fun for everyone

I fall asleep to the boring stuff. The footnotes make my brain drowsy. (Their read times are long because I’m napping while the screen is still on.) I like stuff that I can masturbate to while reading it.

Oh, COME ON! Don’t turn into a prude on me now. You know you do, too.

I’m talking about this figuratively. (And maybe a little literal, too.)

After a shitty year of viruses, orange-colored presidents, and isolation, we desperately need a mental orgasm. We NEED that writing that lubricates our emotions and penetrates our soul. We NEED that writing that causes our ribcages to convulse and our hearts to moan.

I’m not talking about mass-producing shit

First, I stand behind what I said about not finding any sucky writers here on this platform. Prove me wrong. Give me a private note on this article with a link to the said suck-writer, and I’ll make it my mission to help. But I don’t need to worry because there are no sucky writers here.

Moving on. Don’t become a sucky writer. Don’t become that asshole artist that paints a canvas blue and calls it art. Unless you sell it for $49 million, then, of course, by all means.

You don’t have to lower your moral compass to the far south position to write stuff people like reading. You don’t have to use curse words and sex jokes (even though they are the best thing ever).

I’m asking you not to become a self-righteous prick. Just be you.

Use emotions, use senses, but don’t use footnotes

It’s time to take the patches off our elbows and quit our writing groups. Yes, quit all writing groups. They have desensitized us to the real world. Matter of fact:

You’ll become a better writer watching Jersey Shore than by belonging to a writing group.

Take your “quiet, wispless night under the soft moon’s glow” and replace it with the language you actually speak. What does wispless mean? Exactly.

Talk about something that interests you. You don’t need to copy every other writer and cram productivity down my throat. Fuck productivity. Give me the real world. Tell me about car accidents and breakups. Write about weird sex acts and dating nightmares.

Do you know why people write about productivity instead? Because they are too afraid of being vulnerable.

Be vulnerable. It’s scary. But that’s what connects us as humans. That’s what makes us keep reading.

Ryan DeJonghe is the owner of YourEnergyHealers.Org, an online collaborative of Reiki energy healers offering services over video. He also likes to write stuff people enjoy reading. You never know what he’ll say next.

Connect with Ryan on Twitter at https://twitter.com/LifeisPresence.