There’s no spark on your first date? That’s a good thing!
Chemistry and the “halo effect” cognitive bias
We are used to romanticizing the way we meet someone. We focus on having the perfect date, the most intense eye glare, the pounding heartbeat, the heavy breathing that we try so hard not to hold for too long as we sit across them at a café or a pub.
We grew up watching romantic comedies where people fall in love instantaneously most of the time. We feel like there’s no need to know them better to learn how much they already mean to us. There’s a lot of chemistry that a billboard on the highway would not be enough to depict. And all that can happen the very first time we meet someone. Then we feel that the universe has somehow emerged from nothingness to arrive at this same checkpoint, as though we were destined to collide.
Consider this, you go out for drinks, and the conversation flows very smoothly. They talk about their day-to-day lives, their crazy incidents, you ask them what makes them tick, and they share with you idealistic versions of who they are, and you feel that everything is happening as though it was coming out of a romantic novel or a rom-com movie. You glance at them, and the world stops there for a second, how they look so perfect and how their voice can be soothing to the ear.
We forget that beneath all that sudden passionate connection, there’s a whole world we are missing to examine. There’s the human being, with their weird character, flaws, past traumas, angry outbursts when things go wrong, and problematic behavior when they were children. Yet we fail to see that, not just because we don’t know them enough, but because once the spark is there, it’s challenging to look at the other side of the mountain.
Our overall impression of the person influences how we feel and think about their character. This is a well-known cognitive bias called the halo effect. From the word of “verywellmind”, it is also referred to as “the physical attractiveness stereotype” and the “what is beautiful is also good principle.”
The halo effect is governed by the physical appearance of the person. Subconsciously speaking, attractive people tend to rate higher on other positive traits. However, it is not only limited to people’s attractiveness; it also encompasses other characteristics such as sociability or kindness or wealth and success. These traits can make people seem more likable or intelligent. Hence our perceptions of one quality lead to biased judgments of other features.
I would consider the combination of both the spark and the halo effect as a recipe for disaster. We all read something like: sometimes you meet someone somewhere, and it is clear that on some level the two of you belong together, as lovers, as friends or something entirely different, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive and believe in something. I understand the need for us to believe in something bigger and unexplainable, like fate or destiny. Yet, we fail to account for any logical reasoning, and we succumb instead to our innate desires and impulses.
From first and secondhand experiences, I witnessed that the relationships that start this way end up failing for myriads of reasons: lack of understanding, outstanding expectations we once built due to that first date spark or kiss, the high pedestal we end up putting the other person on with little knowledge about the complexity of their characters.
The bigger problem, in my opinion, comes from the fact that the unreasonable connection is frequently linked to the deep programming of our subconscious minds. When we were younger, we were exposed to tons of unhealthy patterns, gaslighting, manipulation, inhibition of our emotions and expressions because we needed to please our parents and other people. This is what eventually determines what we like in relationships. If we are used to not being put as a priority or to be neglected and abused, this is precisely what we will seek and what will sparkle initially during our encounters. However mindful we may be, the trigger is often unclear and hidden to the naked conscious.
Our fight and flight systems work well in dangerous situations; we either struggle to win or escape the perilous condition, and sometimes we freeze or fawn. However, the anxiety and shortness of breath we feel when the spark is there are often compelling. We rarely assume that our subconscious mind is trying to warn us against a familiar situation that once yielded awful outcomes in our lives. When we didn’t have enough love and support during our upbringing, such as is the case for many people and me personally, we cannot easily discern what’s healthy for us vs. what is exciting and can drive us mad.
I am not trying to undermine the relevance of chemistry; there are plenty of examples where people felt it initially and are now the happiest couples on earth. However, I hardly doubt it is “because” of that chemistry that the relationship survived and thrived. Certain people have an understanding of what a wholesome relationship can look like and what it requires for it to work appropriately and be sustained indefinitely. It takes tremendous effort and the work of two people to overcome the behavioral patterns they were once caved in and emerge as the best versions of themselves throughout their couple journey.
Next time you’re on a date and miss that spark, do not give up on the person. Give it a chance and get to know them better. As long as you are attracted to them to a certain degree, and their behavior does not repel you, it’s probably good to be cognizant at the moment of the delirium that the mere chemistry can cause with little proper knowledge of the other person’s character. Forget that the universe was designed to help unify your souls, bypass the instinct that the two of you are meant to be because you cannot get over their face and presence. These, in the long run, fade away and do not matter. What matters is understanding the person, actively working on loving them, and tolerating them when things are not so sparkly.