Health
There’s No Bone in your Boner
Don’t read this if the word “penis” offends you, because I’m going to use it a lot.
Men are penis oriented. Guys know very little about penises, and yet they think of them all the time. Insecurity about their penises constantly torments them. It’s as if their penis defines the fundamental nature of their manhood.
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
— Robin Williams
Men know almost nothing about their male appendage; women are also ill-informed. What little men know about their dicks they have obtained in locker rooms, by watching porn, or from reading erotic books. These are not the ideal sources for learning about healthy sex.
I hate the term, “sexual performance” because it sounds like we’re expecting applause or a standing ovation when we finish.
When I was about sixty, my sexual function began to change. Erections were less predictable, and I couldn’t always ejaculate. Sometimes I would lose my erection during sex, and the only fucking that I was capable of was a mind fuck.
I began to have more success once I began to understand that healthy, physiologic changes related to aging caused the difficulty I experienced.
Sexual weakness is of epidemic proportions.
Both real erectile dysfunction and imagined sexual inadequacy have increased dramatically. Many of the problems have relatively simple interventions: the transformation of attitude and changes in behavior.
By the age of forty, about 40% of men experience some form of sexual dysfunction. By fifty, 50%. Sixty, 60%. By the number of advertisements for Viagra and Cialis and their pirated substitutes that are on gay hook up sites, I predict that those numbers are higher in the gay community.
As I learned that we don’t lose penis power as we age — only that penile functioning changes — I began to relax and enjoy slower but more expansive sex.
Misunderstandings about male sexual function
Men expect (and are expected to be) ready: any time, any place, any partner. We anticipate that we will never fail. We assume that we know everything there is to know about sex, even though no one has ever taught us anything about what is normal.
Don’t expect your doctor to be of much help. Medical schools provide almost no education about the psychosocial aspects of sexual functioning, although med students will know how to dissect a penis.
Men worry about size much more than they should. Although significant differences in size occur with the flaccid penis, less variation exists in the size of an erect penis.
What are some of the causes of sexual dysfunction?
Perhaps the most significant causes of dysfunction are unrealistic and impossible expectations and lack of understanding about what is normal. Other emotional factors include more stress, too little sleep, and emotional exhaustion.
Worrying about getting hard almost guarantees that you won’t get hard.
We know there is a long list of explanations for erectile dysfunction, but the most critical problem is often a problem in the head rather than in the body. One of the most significant disrupters of blood flow to the penis is anxiety.
Penises don’t have bones, and it is not a muscle. Having a functioning erection depends entirely on blood flow into the penis and a restriction of blood flow out of the penis. Think fire hose.
Common medical problems that cause erectile dysfunction include:
- Cardiovascular — heart disease, clogged vessels, high blood pressure
- Endocrine and metabolic — Low testosterone, diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity,
- Neurologic — Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis
- Medications — There are many
- Lifestyle — Tobacco use, alcohol and other substance use disorders
- Medical — Peyronie’s disease (scarring in the penis), sleep disorders, treatments for prostate cancer and prostate enlargement, surgeries or injuries to the pelvis or spinal cord.
First, some things you need to understand
The dimensions of sexual functioning are desire, erections, ejaculation, and satisfaction. As we age, desire is less intense, firmness of erections diminishes, and ejaculatory force and volume diminishes.
But as we age, sexual satisfaction can remain relatively constant, if — and it’s a big “if — if we understand how sexual functioning evolves across the life span.
Aging has the most predictable effects on penises, but age isn’t a deal-breaker.
As we age, touch becomes increasingly important, with one caveat: a touch that feels like a demand can be counterproductive.
The second thing to remember there are stages of sexual function: desire, plateau, ejaculation, resolution, and refractory period.
As we age, desire comes less frequently and with less intensity. At age fifteen, feeling the vibrations on the school bus was enough to make us hard; even worrying about the embarrassment of disembarking with a boner didn’t resolve the issue. It’s more complicated with age.
As we grow older, it may be helpful to engage all of the senses (touch, smell, taste, sound) to enhance sexual functioning. Surprise and anticipation are important as well.
Men may lose their erections in the middle of lovemaking. If a man becomes preoccupied with its loss, he will be unsuccessful. The solution is to return to a more playful and relaxed foreplay. Make it fun, not work. When men experience this problem, they often rush to try and finish, and that is often self-defeating.
Older men don’t seem to worry as much as younger men about ejaculation. Cum may dribble out the end of your penis; you can’t shoot it over your shoulder as you did in the past. Ejaculation doesn’t always happen, and it isn’t necessary for satisfying sex.
The refractory time is the time between the last ejaculation and your readiness to engage in sexual activity again. This recovery time is longer as we age.
Older men make better lovers.
Once a man understands the nature of his sexual functioning and accepts the natural, physiologic changes, lovemaking can improve. We learn that the most satisfying sexual experiences are a combination of both physical and emotional intimacy. In many cases, the importance of emotional intimacy outweighs the physical aspects of sexual activity.
Men can have satisfying sex well into late life.
Attitude is the key to penis longevity and sexual satisfaction.