There’s Always Value In Someone Else’s Excuses
They’re great opportunities for personal growth when we stop taking them so seriously
Sorry, I had a time yesterday. My ex decided to start acting crazy so I’m trying to get a handle on that because of that I am chilling out on dating. He literally showed up and threatened someone yesterday and I’m not trying to have a repeat performance. I’m sorry.
There is truth to this statement based on her background. However, it’s a long-winded way of saying “I don’t want to date you anymore”.
In the past, this would have driven me nuts. Do you know why I don’t get as bent out of shape from these kinds of statements anymore?
I realized that these aren’t the kind of people that are right for me.
If you don’t understand that you’re not meant to be with everyone, it will destroy your self-confidence when you get rejected.
How can we capitalize on someone’s excuses?
They are the best tool for filtering out the wrong people
Embrace and accept the bullshit.
People who excuse their behavior are weak-willed at best, and manipulators at worst.
Rather than setting boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, a person will allow themselves to get pulled in every direction, meanwhile, you’re thinking everything is okay.
They’ve been lying to you the whole time by not saying anything. Now the excuses roll in, and you’re left wondering where you went wrong, or if there’s a deep flaw within yourself that makes you unlovable.
Avoidants are notorious for this. When they can’t maintain the facade anymore they have to explain all of their actions instead of saying no from the start.
Recognize that in the long run, they saved you the time and heartache of being with that person (even if it was for months or years).
At some point, the truth will reveal itself.
You deserve to be around people who effectively communicate
Excuses are definitive signs that someone doesn’t know how to use their words.
They’ll typically avoid tough conversations and in place throw some idiotic response at you hoping you’ll accept it.
No is a complete sentence. In general, we as a society take no’s way too personally.
People worry that they have to attach a reason for every no.
I get it. Often times we were taught growing up that we’re obligated to do things for other people just because we’re related or we share the same last name.
Maybe we head into the workforce and our bosses won’t give us a day off without giving them an explanation, so we’ve become accustomed to throwing in extra words for what we want or don’t want to do.
To women I’ve dated, I’ve simply said:
- “I can’t really see this progressing between us, I’m going my own way.”
- “I can’t continue this relationship anymore. Please don’t attempt to contact me.”
- In some instances, ghosting is acceptable too, but be careful with this and the emotional investment the other person has with you
(To be fair even my messages still have a bit of excuse-making)
When someone has to give you a lengthy reason, it means they’re beating around the bush and not getting straight to the point. They want to reject you or your opportunity, but at the same time hope to remain likable.
Some of it stems from the belief that we are all capable of directly influencing someone else’s feelings.
The reality is that only you are responsible for how you feel. If what you said was the truth, and it upset someone, that is their responsibility to accept.
It’s not a reflection of your character
The reality is every single one of us sees ourselves as the main characters of our lives.
- Do we honestly think about all of the people in our lives all of the time?
- It’s more likely we worry about our own situation and what’s going on at the moment.
Can you honestly say that the person who gave you a stupid excuse last month is still thinking about you? No, probably not.
Depending on the scenario, their excuses might have been manipulative. However, most people are so caught up in their own problems that they don’t intend to cause hurt.
It was a way to get out of doing something difficult for themselves.
When you take every excuse to heart, it severely compromises your confidence.
In fact, look at their excuses as an opportunity to build resilience.
You don’t have to allow yourself to be at the mercy of everyone else’s decision. Consider one response I got the other day:
I don’t think I have time to go on a date, I just got back on Tinder and I’m already overwhelmed, which is probably a sign that I’m not ready to date yet.
Time to move on and talk to someone else.
If I were to sulk over something like this as a reflection of my character I would never get anywhere. The problem is that if you’re not able to see this as “I don’t know what I’m doing”, it will seriously mess with your head.
When we worry too much about someone else’s intentions, our own weaknesses can be difficult to spot. We are so used to living our own way that we don’t often realize what’s not working.
Take the time to audit someone else’s excuses and perhaps see if you’re doing the same thing.
Maybe some friends keep making an excuse for why they are procrastinating on their dream of starting their own business or writing a book.
- “I’m not really an entrepreneur”
- “I’m busy”
- “I don’t know what I would do”
Sound familiar?
You would be quick to offer a solution to your friend, but you might be saying the same thing to yourself in your head why you can’t move on and do the thing.
The excuses mean well.
They’re trying to protect us from the boogie man of failure. We’ll always pick the least painful thing over the more painful thing, even if there is a greater reward with the more painful thing.
Re-frame the excuses as an inevitable fact
I understand. I still get frustrated sometimes when people make excuses.
One thing that has helped me is to ease up on the amount of emotional investment I put into people and situations. If (or when) something doesn’t work out, and there is an elaborate reason for a rejection, I am able to remain more grounded in reality.
Also, when you can start spotting the excuse-makers early on, you can prepare yourself better for an eventual excuse.
If you liked this story, please consider following me here on Medium. I post new stories 2 to 3 times a week.