Illumination Writing Challenge

There’s a Hole in My Shoe

One that allows all my motivation to seep out

A few days ago, Sherry McGuinn wrote about the hole in her pants. From it all of her positive vibes and motivation seems to be leaking into a puddle on the floor; a puddle of lasting consequence.

Sherry asked us to consider if we might be feeling the same way in the face of a prolonged pandemic event, and in particular with the possibility that the light we are seeing in the tunnel is just a bare lightbulb hanging from a worn and arcing wire dangling from the ceiling. The tunnel end yet to be spotted.

I gave it a few days. I have to admit that I don’t, generally speaking, feel quite as disheartened as I believe Sherry does; at least based on how I interpret her writing. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t relate, at least on some level.

As I pondered about the metaphysical hole in my pants, it occurred to me that it isn’t really a potential figurative hole in my pants that personifies my existence, but rather the actual hole in the side of my shoe.

I have a pretty straightforward approach to my default primary pair of shoes. I purchase a pair of fairly all-purpose hiker/trainers that I use as my general kicking around shoes. Once they get a bit beat up they become relegated to my daily walkers with a side job of lawn mowing when in season.

It is the walking shoes that dictate the timing of the purchase of a new pair. Once they are worn out, or develop a hole, or become simply too uncomfortable, I throw them out and demote my all-purpose pair to that role. Then I buy a new pair for regular all-purpose use. Pretty simple.

I have known for a few weeks now that it is time for a new pair. There is a split along the side of my walking shoes, and replacement is nigh.

Yet, I can’t quite bring myself to do so. This vague sense of not really knowing when life is going to return to “normal” makes me feel like a shoe purchase is just a bit too cheeky.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t ceased all commercialism, in fact I just bought a new router net system to replace our aged and not-so-reliable 2013 model. But there is something symbolic about this potential shoe purchase.

If I had to make an interpretation, I would say that I am subconsciously waiting for some clarity on the future before I commit to new shoes. On one hand, that is a completely ridiculous notion. But, from another perspective, I think it just is a manifestation of our collective unrest and disquiet with our current reality.

Today is a perfect example. As sometimes happens here, after several sunny days I awoke to rain. I like to walk first thing in the morning, but for some reason, the precipitation just caught me off guard today and I decided to wait it out.

I rationalized that I could easily write two challenge responses if I just sat down and got to it. Then, when the weather cleared, I would go and walk. So, sit I did. And then it happened.

I am pretty sure that the hole in my walking shoes let all of my motivation spill out on the floor. I pretty much did anything but write today, until it got so late that I had to start this one piece or face the reality that nothing was forthcoming and I would have to make up for it tomorrow.

It was only with great reluctance that I forced myself to sit and eek out these words. Sherry, I may not know exactly how you feel, but I think I am experiencing my own version of what you are going through.

As it happens, I am no stranger to future uncertainty. Ever since the existing fire chief at my department announced his retirement in 2016 my future has been uncertain. I didn’t know who my new boss would be, and certainly didn’t anticipate that I would be the boss eventually after he left.

From that point, I didn’t know if I would stay in that role, and when it became evident I would not, I didn’t know what role I would be in. After deciding to leave the department, the future still was uncertain. I looked for jobs in various industries and came down to the wire on several; some of which would have meant moving to either Texas or Oregon.

But those eventually didn’t pan out, and I ultimately decided at the end of 2019 that I would stay retired and concentrate on writing and some consulting and freelance work. Nothing major. As I settled into that new normal, the Coronavirus reared its ugly and unpredictable head.

Now, like everyone, I am experiencing a form of uncertain future once again. You’d think I might get used to ambiguity and uncertainty, but I haven’t.

There isn’t a lot I can do about it, except for remembering to celebrate the small joys and to stop and admire the sublimity and magnificence of the world around me.

I suppose part of me has resigned myself to this existence. It seems like the purchase of a new pair of shoes should maybe coincide with some sort of sign that lets me know that life is returning to a point closer to certainty for the future.

I don’t think I can drive that change by buying a new pair, although I suppose it might be worth trying. Maybe I am coming at this all wrong, and a new set of kicks might just be the ticket to get me motivated and productive on these days that just seemed to blur all together with so many of the other unremarkable days this year.

I will give that some consideration. And, if things mysteriously seem to get better and brighter, and if you suddenly seem more motivated and have a renewed hope, it may just be coincidence. Or, it may be completely because I got myself a brand-new shiny pair of shoes!

I have seen Joe Luca‘s thoughtful response to this prompt. Forgive me if I missed it, but I am looking forward to hearing from Sherry’s other tagees:

P.G. Barnett, Chris Hedges, Helen Cassidy Page, Caroline de Braganza, Denise Shelton, Kira Dawn, Gurpreet Dhariwal, Tina L. Smith, Charles Roast, Timothy Key, Desiree Driesenaar, Kim McKinney, Roz Warren, Bebe Nicholson, Tree Langdon ♾️, Britni Pepper, Rasheed Hooda

If you like this, you might like some of my other recent writing, including my July daily roundup of writing challenges such as this one:

And a recent response prior to this challenge:

And this blast from the past:

Timothy Key spent over 26 years in the fire service as a firefighter/paramedic and various fire chief management roles. He firmly believes that bad managers destroy more than companies, and good managers create a passion that is contagious. Compassion, grace and gratitude drive the world; or at least they should. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, and join the mail list.