There Are 3 Kinds of Friends When You Do Self-Help

A tale of Eagles, Crabs, and Penguins.

People hate change.

Change is hard. Change is scary. Change is different.

We humans love to keep things the same. I’m willing to bet you eat the same breakfast and drink the same coffee from the same cup every morning. You probably only wear the same few sets of clothes to the same job in the same town you’ve been in for years (although recently maybe the job part has changed!).

But try as we might to keep things the same, change is pretty much the only thing that is certain.

And the thing that changes the most in your life is, well, you.

How rapidly you decide to change is usually your decision. But if you’re a self-help junkie like me, then you want to make those changes as quickly as possible.

You want to start building those sweet, sweet habits and rocking those cool, empowering mindsets.

Ooh yeah!

As you undertake this personal journey, you’ll realise that there are three types of people in your life.

Those who come with you.

Those who fight tooth and nail for you not to go.

And those who you can’t quite pin down.

Most of the time, these people are your friends. Knowing how to manage these 3 types of friends is vital to your ability to grow and be successful with personal development.

Here’s how to do just that.

Friend 1: The Eagle

An Eagle is your ideal friend. Someone you feel blessed to have in your life.

They’re a rare breed, just like you.

Why? Because they actively work on themselves,

They create good habits and stick to them. They’re open-minded. They try new things. And they always share with you their latest insights and techniques.

They’re just a f*cking great person.

They don’t cause drama. They don’t think it’s cool to not have their sh*t together. And they’re always ready to lift you up if you start falling for that crap.

Through personal and spiritual development, they elevate themselves to such impressive perspectives that they can only look with kindness at those struggling below.

You can always count on your Eagle friend to help you rise to the challenge of being the best you can be.

In an Eagle, you have a friend with whom you can soar around sharing wisdom for a lifetime.

Treasure them deeply.

Friend 2: The Crab

No doubt you’ve heard of the “crabs in a bucket” phenomenon.

When carrying crabs, fishermen don’t need to put a lid on the bucket, because any time one crab gets close to making an escape, another one pulls it back down.

That’s this kind of friend. Some people might call them “toxic”, “jealous”, or “immature”.

They might not even be a bad person. They just can’t deal with you trying to get your life in order. And so, intentionally or not, they do all they can to keep you down at their level.

Sadly, this often happens with long-time friends.

You’re changing. They aren’t. And they won’t.

You’ve given them all the books, sent them all the videos, and shown them all the techniques. You’ve even humbly demonstrated your results.

But they won’t have it.

I had such a friend. We’d known each other since secondary school and used to be close gaming buddies. However, it all changed after we left sixth form (that’s Grades 11–12 for you Americans).

I left my hometown to attend a top university. I explored new friendships, tried new partners, and found undiscovered pieces of myself. I started taking personal development very seriously, swapping gaming for a bunch of healthy habits like mindset shifts, regular exercise, and meditation.

Meanwhile, my friend stayed at home, enduring a long-distance relationship with his first girlfriend. He worked an ok job, made ok money, and spent all his free time gaming. When his relationship soured, he moved halfway across the country and took a lower-paying job, just to make it work.

Despite my busy schedule and lack of drinking and gaming, we still kept in touch. I dropped little bits of advice here and there about how useful self-help can be, but he never did any of it. Even when we had frank conversations where I gave him my well-meaning and honest opinion, nothing ever got through.

I didn’t need to hire a life coach to see that we were heading in separate directions.

It was like we were two lines growing in a V shape. Eventually, we got so far apart that we had several fights and stopped talking.

I don’t write this to judge my former friend. Only to demonstrate my point.

Some people won’t change with you, and you need to let them go.

Don’t let a friendship, a relationship, or even a family member hold you back from personal growth. Living your true and authentic life is the sole reason you’re here, and if you compromise on that, it will only lead to resentment.

Your friend is fine as they are. Sure, from your perspective they have a lot of work to do on themselves. And perhaps they do. But that’s for them to deal with.

They’re not hopeless, but you can’t do the work for them.

Let them go. It’s best for both of you.

And in case you were wondering, I heard that friend finally got broken up with and is now facing some major consequences but also some new opportunities. I genuinely hope he chooses well.

Friend 3: The Penguin

What’s left after the high-flyers and the lowly scuttlers?

Those in the middle. I like to call them Penguins.

Penguins are normal people who just want to live the best life possible, but vary in the success of their approach.

They’re supportive of your personal growth and may even try some of it themselves. They never quite fully get it, but they’re certainly not dragging you down.

They flip and they flop between following the herd and exploring life’s greater challenges. Sometimes they’re scraping by, blindly huddled with the norm. Other times they’re living their best lives and sledding off of glaciers. You get the metaphor.

One of the hardest things when changing your life through personal development is knowing the place for these relationships.

One day you might think “f*ck anyone who isn’t an Eagle, I’m doing this alone”. Then a week later you might realise you actually enjoy the company of people who’re a bit more chill about the personal development stuff than you.

My take is this: keep them around.

The benefit for you is that sometimes it’s nice to have someone who lets you forget your insatiable desire for personal growth (pizza, ice cream, and sh*tty films are non-negotiable here).

But there’s also a benefit for them: a little of your awesomeness will trickle into their life.

Now obviously you’re not some “self-help guru” or a self-righteous a*shole who thinks they’re better than everyone else. You’re just a regular person who consciously improves their life. But by remaining in the life of these friends, you add in a special element that they get from nowhere else.

You can help them with skills you’ve already mastered, problems you’ve already solved. And your presence may help them through some of the darkest times.

You benefit this person just by being there, not necessarily as a best friend, but as a reliable one.

Treasure these friends, too. They remind you that life is not all about maximising your productivity, killing your workout, and spending every waking moment living your passion.

They hardly do any of those things, and, all things considered, they’re waddling along just fine.

Plus, you never know when a Penguin might sled too high off an iceberg with its wings out and start looking like an Eagle…