There Is A Special Place In Hades For People Who Judge Parents Dealing With A Kid’s Addiction.
A very special place for people who judge and do not have kids of their own.
I am person in long term recovery from an opioid use disorder. Pain pills to be precise in terms of substance.
19 years to be precise in terms of length of time in recovery.
I’m also a therapist and founder of several behavioral health organizations. I specialize in addiction, trauma and family work.
I am also a father. An imperfect father to be precise in terms of parenting. I work too much, I give in too much, I parent from a place of fear too much…to be precise in terms of my imperfection.
I’ve gone through some things with my kids. Everyone is okay for today. For the time being. But I know what it is like to self-evaluate as a complete failure as a father.
I’ve seen shit go sideways with my kids. I’ve felt responsible for that shit going sideways. I judged myself harshly.
This is why I can say with 100% certainty….
People who harshly judge parents dealing with a child’s substance use disorder or mental health concern are among the worst people walking the planet.
People without kids who judge harshly are next level villains. Professionals who judge harshly (yes this happens-way too often) are offenders that should be dealt with swiftly and decisively. They have no place in this profession.
If I was in charge of the world I would make sure justice was delivered.
Alas..I am not in charge of the world.
Parenting Has Become A Competitive Sport
We all want to put our best self forward. It is human nature. The sociologist Irvin Goffman referred to this as “impression management”.
When it comes to parenting and family life we want to be viewed as competent.
We want our children to be viewed as successful, we want our marriages to be viewed as blissful, we want our schools to be top notch, and we want our community to be viewed as impeccable. This has always been the case.
Of course, Facebook has taken impression management to an entirely new level.
The downside of social media is becoming more and more evident. Check out this article in Psychology Today for more information.
We want the picture of our family to look perfect. However, substance misuse makes the picture ugly and chaotic. Unfortunately, the tendency to hide the truth surrounding substance use disorders only strengthens the disorder. The worst thing we can do is go silent.
Denial exists on the individual level, the family level and the community level.
Admitting that substance use disorder has entered the scene is a very difficult thing to do. It comes with so much shame and embarrassment.
Judgmental people and those standing by with unsolicited (and silly) advice drive the shame deeper into our soul.
The stigma around substance use disorders is alive and well and it keeps people from seeking help. It also contributes to the family tendency to keep secrets.
We don’t want others to know so we suffer in silence. We hope for the best. Many families won’t even talk to other family members for fear of being judged.
We also know that shaming the family can extend into schools and other community institutions. In many communities there is a collective effort to minimize talk of substance use disorders.
Shhhh….that doesn’t happen in our school.
Shhhh…that doesn’t happen in our church.
I offered to do an educational program for a church youth group and had one parent tell me: “That doesn’t go on here. We don’t want to give our kids any ideas…”
Newsflash, they already have ideas. They are getting high at your youth group….But they did pray before hand so that’s good news.
Shame Paralyzes Parents
Shame is especially pronounced where parents are concerned. When you are dealing with a child who is struggling with addiction there will be a lot of fear and anxiety. Intrusive thoughts will invade your consciousness.
Thoughts like:
- What do we do now?
- Is he going to make it out alive?
- What if he winds up in jail?
- Where do we send him for help?
- Where did we go wrong?
- How do we pay for this help?
Many uncomfortable “scenarios” will be played out in your mind. You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out all the possible outcomes. You will google “addiction” and “mental health” and “recovery” (be very careful where you turn for advice-some bad apples out there engaging in fraud).
Stating the obvious. All of this contributes to a great deal of stress and can manifest itself in serious physical and mental health problems for parents.
Your worries are real. There are many legitimate concerns when dealing with a child’s behavioral health.
But there are some UNNECESSARY thoughts that may pop up. These thoughts will suck the life out of parents. These thoughts serve no purpose.
What Will “They” Think?
We call this the “WHAT WILL “THEY” THINK CATEGORY. You may ask. Who is this mysterious “they”?
“They” are all the people in your life that you believe will judge you and your kid harshly.
Could be friends, could be family, could be acquaintances, could be co-workers, could be the preacher at church, could be anyone… anyone you are concerned may pass judgement.
Examples include:
- What will grandma and grandpa think about this situation?
- What will the preacher think about my son?
- What will my co-workers think about this issue?
- What will the ladies my prayer group say about his behavior?
These are the people that need to be confronted. Parents have enough on their plate.
If you feel compelled to give advice… Think of the following FOUR WORDS:
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE (or is “piehole” one word?)
SHUT IT…
Adding the emotional turmoil of societal judgment makes everything worse. It gets in the way of solving problems, thinking clearly and managing a legitimately stressful situation.
Substance Use Disorders = Healthcare Concern
There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. There is no down side to asking questions.
Family members need an outlet to explore their concerns and individuals need ease of access to start the recovery process.
We must create environments of open sharing and positivity. We must make recovery a welcoming process. There needs to be an uplifting and empowering “vibe” around recovery. Parents need to look for information and support and ultimately start to develop a plan for managing the issue:
Some simple and practical advice:
1) Get educated and informed on the subject of addiction and recovery. Look for books and resources. Look to experts but be careful because many people have declared themselves instant experts. Look to people with experience in this area. Other parents who have dealt with addiction make a great resource. We have a great online library and resource center at youturn.
2) Make a plan for your recovery and a plan for “your response” to the CURRENT STAGE of your loved one’s disease. Again, education is paramount.
3) Find a coach or supportive person to encourage and guide you as you make these plans.
4) Work the plan. Every time you get off track get right back on the plan.
5) Maintain Contact with your coach as your work the plan. Encouragement and supportive advice is essential throughout.
Finally, ignore any one who begins the sentence with: IF THAT WAS MY KID I WOULD (fill in the blank)… kick him out etc…
Because they would not do that if it was their kid. They have no clue what they would do.
Send me their name and contact information. I’m keeping a running list. I have plans….
Check us out at youturn and at FAVOR Greenville for more information.
Originally published at https://recoverycartel.com on January 7, 2018.