Relationships

There Are No Rules for Breakups — But Maybe There Should Be

Your breakup persona speaks volumes about your character.

When falling in love, we rarely — if ever — stop to consider the full ramifications. We’re learning who they are in love, but we can’t always tell who they’ll be when they fall out of it. We want to believe they won’t fall out of it at all.

Of course, there are clues. We hear how they talk about and treat their exes. We’re given access to the way they interpret the love stories of their lives. We just don’t think it applies to us. We tell ourselves that the exes were the problems, that our lovers were mistreated, and that their feelings are understandable. If there’s a disconnect between who they are in love and who they are out of it, we tell ourselves a story that blames circumstances rather than character.

To be fair, there are circumstances that can bring out more unusual sides of our characters, so it’s an explanation that makes sense. We want to believe the best of the ones we love, and their hurt hurts us. It’s easy to point to a shady character in their past and direct our mistrust and anger toward them. But our true character isn’t just revealed in how we treat our lovers. It is also revealed in how we treat, think, and speak about our exes.

I’ll admit that I have not always been the best ex. For years, I let anger fester, and I let it dictate my interactions with former lovers. I wasn’t always kind. After years of personal growth and therapy, I learned to look at past relationships through a kinder lens while still holding people accountable for their behavior.

A past lover’s character was revealed to me in a heartbreaking moment of clarity. I received a message that I would never have predicted. As I read the words, I experienced a disconnect between the person I thought I knew and the person who sent that message. Nowhere in his actions did I recognize the person I once loved, respected, and admired. There was a touch of meanness that I wouldn’t have credited him for possessing until it was directed at me. It hurt — more so because the love I felt didn’t budge just because it wasn’t returned any longer.

There are no real rules for breakups, but maybe there should be. Maybe when we’re making promises and whispering words of love, we should also promise not to make a mockery of them if we ever fall out of love later. Maybe we should have a safe word for when it’s over — a reminder that we need to return to kindness and respect even when we’re shattered.

If I’m honest, that’s what I was. Shattered. I never anticipated that loving someone so much could ever make me the villain of their story. I could not reconcile the person who could send that message with the person I knew and loved any more than I could reconcile who I am to the person they thought me to be. The incongruence of the situation was as shocking as the message.

I value personal growth, and while I could have spent weeks trying to investigate his character, I decided to turn my attention to my own. After I cried about the message and soothed myself through the pain and betrayal, I started evaluating myself as a former lover. What kind of person am I, and what does it say about me? Have I ever acted in ways that seemed starkly out of character?

I have moments I’m not proud of — moments where I let my worst self out. There were times in my life when hurt and immaturity created an undesirable response. Yet, I can also look back at the breakups in my life and see that time and experience have taught me to handle my pain with far more grace than I once possessed. I’ve learned to hold compassion even with a broken heart.

If the way we are as exes defines our character, I’ve decided I’m okay with that. I have lived, loved, and learned. I am kinder now than I’ve ever been. I never quite cultivated that skill of cutting people off without a second thought when the relationship was over. I’ve been able to remember their humanity even while managing my own. I didn’t just wake up one day and find myself able to accomplish it. I baby-stepped my way into being a better person. Here’s how.

5 Rules for Breakups, According to Me

Even though I’m a former therapist, I offer these breakup rules as a suggestion for consideration following the demise of a relationship. This does not constitute therapeutic advice or replace the need for mental health therapy. Rather, it’s what I’ve learned through living, loving, and losing.

1. Remember That the Opposite of Love Isn’t Hate

There are reasons we might hate our exes. For instance, one former partner of mine stole a lot of money from me and my children. There’s a reason we didn’t stay friends (spoiler alert: THAT’S the reason). Infidelity and other betrayal can make it hard to hold any kindness, compassion, or tolerance for a former partner. Yet, it’s important to remember that the opposite of love doesn’t have to be hate. It can simply be indifference.

I’m not talking about feigned indifference where we pretend to be unaffected by the other person and what they’re doing now. I’m talking about a true detachment that comes from grieving and healing from the relationship. It can take a long time to truly reach the point of indifference and detach from the other person. It can take even longer to genuinely hope they’re happy in their lives without us. But it is possible.

For a long time, I loved someone long after they left. On good days, I was okay moving forward. On bad days, I found myself checking social media for signs of how he was doing. It took a long time, longer than I’ll ever admit, to stop. I did it for my own mental health. I couldn’t stop the love, but I could break the attachment. I had to let go and accept the end. I had to understand that being indifferent might be a stretch for me, but I can certainly be unattached.

2. Be the Person Your Car Thinks You Are

If you’re a dog person, you already know that dogs think their owners are the best no matter what. There’s an expression that goes like this: “Be the person your dog thinks you are.” We should be that person even when we’d rather be vengeful or petty.

Sometimes, I have to be the person my car thinks I am. I have a bumper sticker that says, “I hope something good happens to you today”, and I have to remember it’s there when I’m tempted to road rage. But I think the same is true for dealing with exes. Sometimes, we have to make a concerted effort to act in accordance with who we are and not indulge our worst desires just because they might feel good in the moment. People aren’t perfect, and if we screw this up, we can always attempt to make it right. But we can also work to not screw it up in the future.

3. Get Better Before Getting Under or Over

I strongly feel that this should be the rule of all breakups. People say that we should get under someone to get over someone else. It’s terrible breakup advice. Frankly, I think we’d all be better served if we got better first. Instead of moving on to the next relationship, we’d all be healthier if we allowed ourselves the space to grieve and heal. When we don’t do this, we just increase the chances we’ll hurt the next person on our own unhealed hurt.

Moving on to someone else might feel satisfying. It might feel as if we “won” the breakup. But the reality is that even if we’re the ones who did the breaking up, we need to heal. Moving forward when we really haven’t grieved is a terrible idea. I’ve learned that the hard way. The real power move isn’t moving on to someone else. It’s just healing and getting better as a human being without the need to one-up an ex.

4. Choose Accountability Over Accusation

Breakups are painful. They’re so much easier to get over when we’re justifiably angry. Sometimes, however, we stretch to find a reason that seems justifiable beyond a sense of rejection. This is where character assassination comes in. If we can see the other person as the bad guy, it won’t hurt so much, and they’ll be so much easier to get over.

Honestly, I believe this is why I received the message I did. If he could see me as a terrible person with bad intentions, I would be easier to dismiss and get over. But accountability in relationships and after them is so much more valuable than accusations.

Even though I was the one dumped, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could have been a stronger partner. I didn’t just write him off as a bad person because he didn’t want me. I decided to accept his feelings and then learn what I could from the relationship. I know that being accountable for my own faults and failings will help me be a better partner in future relationships, but it also provides a necessary balance so that I’m not tempted to cast the roles of hero, victim, or villain in the relationship. Instead, I can embrace the fact that people and relationships are complicated. Sometimes, they don’t work out. But we can all find accountability and lessons if we’re looking.

5. Build Bridges, Don’t Burn Them

First, let me just say that in the case of abuse or other mistreatment, burn the bridges. We shouldn’t feel the need to stay connected to toxic people. However, when relationships just don’t work out, it can help to build bridges rather than burning them.

If we can at least stay cordial with exes, it can be easier to move forward without bitterness, but it also serves another purpose. Sometimes, healing can happen when we are able to have conversations about what went wrong. Few relationships will ever offer us that closure, but it can be valuable.

I’ve even found that owning up to my part in a relationship’s breakdown can be healing in itself. It doesn’t matter if the other person listens or believes me. It doesn’t matter if I’m forgiven. It matters that I am accountable enough to try to make wrong things right. Before I worked to heal my trauma, I was a big fan of burning bridges and salting the earth behind me. I’ve learned that I don’t have to do that to move forward. In fact, it’s a mark of maturity not to cut everyone off just because the nature of the relationship changed.

I’m not a perfect person, and I certainly haven’t been a perfect ex. I can be petty at times, and it’s always been hard for me to let go — of people or grudges. But I’m learning that just because I’ve been that way doesn’t mean that I have to stay that way.

Breakups break hearts. It’s just the way it is. Even when we’re ready for them to be over, it’s hurtful for someone to go from being our favorite person to just being another person we have to recover from loving.

The truth is that we can be our best selves through a breakup, and it’s still going to hurt. It’s not a shortcut through the pain. It might not even make a difference to the other person. So, why do it?

In the end, I am the person I am sharing my life with, and this is true for all of us. To love and respect myself, I have to do what’s right, not what’s easy. I’m not trying to be the bigger person or to win the breakups that break my heart. What I am trying to do is respect the fact that I once loved someone with my whole heart, and I can do my best to honor that even when the relationship is over.