The Wrestling Battles Between My Inner Voice And Myself

It is less painful to listen rather than to clean up the mess

When I have quiet moments, I hear voices. Not that I am schizophrenic, I notice my soul, higher self, or if you have Christian belief, the Holy Spirit is talking to me.

These inner voices are my friends to guide me. Over the years, my egocentric self was humbled numerous times by my silly attitude of “I know it all”. I was crushed and burnt. Believe me, it was not fun.

Here are two examples of the outcomes of my responses to my inner voices.

More than fifteen years ago, I was single at the time, felt lonely and was looking for my future wife. A friend told me his wife’s colleague’s sister (long-winded, I know) was a very nice lady, who was living overseas and planning to visit her sister in New Zealand. He asked if I would be interested in emailing this lady and started the conversation. We might strike a chord and like each other.

I thought there was no harm in getting to know her via email and seeing how we went.

After a few emails she seemed to be “normal”, and we exchanged photos. She told me her birthday was coming up and I arranged flowers to deliver to her.

When she was in New Zealand, the plan was she would spend time with her sister and brother-in-law whom I met before, and then spend time with me, before she went back to her sister.

I arranged to drive down to a town called Rotorua (a tourist attraction with geothermal activities and a beautiful lake), explored the area for a few days and met up with my local friends, before going back up to Auckland and staying with me for a couple of days.

When I met her, there was an uneasy feeling of her hiding something. I did not have peace. My inner voice warned me to be very careful. I ignored that and I thought it was my nerve and perhaps I was over-excited to meet my potential partner in crime.

On our way to Rotorua, it was a two-and-a-half-hour car journey. We chatted a little. I noticed she was using her iPad most of the time and paid very little attention to the beautiful scenery.

We visited a few key tourist attractions before meeting up with my good friend Pat. Pat was a seventy-year-old lady and had her grandchildren staying with her at the time. After a few conversations with my overseas friend, Pat told me she did not like her and warned me to be very cautious.

Hmmm, I realized something was not right and put my radar out.

When we arrived back in Auckland, I introduced my parents to her and we had a meal together. That went fine.

After that, I took her out to shop. She was very excited about shopping. One thing I did notice was, not even once she offered to pay even for a coffee, until the very end.

I lived in a two-bedroom unit, the sleeping arrangement was she stayed in my room and I stayed in the spare room.

After dinner, she started to “get very close physically” to me and I gave her a very stern disapproval. She cried and told me a story of what she was struggling with. At that point, I did not know if her story was real. I acknowledged what she went through and said good night to her.

The next morning I drove her back to her sister’s place.

When it was the day of her departure, I met up with her and her sister at the airport.

I am pleased I did not end up making a bigger mess than it was. I wasted my holidays, money and energy on the wrong person. I did learn a lesson though and that brings me to the next story.

After that mess, I learned to tune it better with my inner voice, and not fight against it. In 2015, I met up with Gabrielle (she became my wife), in a personal growth seminar. We connected very well and she told me she had brain cancer as a young adult. I worked in a cancer medical genetic laboratory and I understood what Gabrielle’s cancer was. At the time Gabrielle had challenges like chronic pain, chronic fatigue and others. I was not sure if I should nurture this potential relationship further.

I heard my inner voice said, “Gabrielle is the one for you. Take your time to know her and she will bring you joy and much more.”

That was rather nice I thought. Within a month I got to meet Gabrielle’s parents, brother, sisters and their spouses, and their kids.

It was very funny that Gabrielle’s family arranged a dinner so all of them could meet me. They never had a Chinese person in their family and they were all very keen to get to know me. Somehow I was “vetted” and I was very pleased that I “passed”.

Gabrielle and I went out for three years before we decided to get married. One month before our wedding day, Gabrielle had her first stroke. She lost her speech and function on one side of her body. With some miracle, she quickly recovered.

I was devastated to hear Gabrielle got ill. I saw her straight away when I heard the news. When I saw Gabrielle, her speech was already recovered. She said she was scared. I reassured her that she would be OK.

Deep down I was just as scared. I was in two minds. Part of me was not sure if I should go through the wedding, another part of me reminded me I was committed to Gabrielle. I should not run away.

I knew I needed to have some quiet time to hear my inner voice. The answer was, “Daniel, Gabrielle is the woman that I gave her to you. You are committed to Gabrielle and going through the wedding. You and Gabrielle will bring each other joy. You don’t need to worry about anything and I will take care of it.”

That was it, and I felt the sense of peace came on to me.

We married for almost six years and Gabrielle struggled with many health issues (she had seven strokes by last year), we had a wonderful life together.

Today, the 4th of February, is the anniversary of Gabrielle’s seventh stroke. She had to leave home and stay in a rehabilitation facility. Although it is emotionally and mentally tough to see Gabrielle’s health deteriorate, she has brought me so much joy and taught me how to love and laugh.

I miss Gabrielle around home, but she will always be with me.

Thank God I listened to my inner voice and did not surrender to fear this time.

An inspiring story written by Christina about her son’s determination to overcome his many challenges and complete a race. Be warned, tears may flow.