ABANDONMENT WOUND
The Wound That Can Break Our Children
And that we may involuntarily cause.
"That's it, I'm leaving home," said the tired, frustrated, angry parent to the child who refused to leave the playground.
I've said it. Maybe you've said it too. I'm guessing at least half the parents in the world have said this or something similar at one point.
I would have never said it, though, if I'd known what it means to my child. Or how much harm such apparently harmless affirmations can cause.
Today I know. And I'd like to let you know, too, that this is one of the most damaging phrases we could ever tell our children because of the wound it opens.
Read on, and perhaps you'll realize you're living with this wound yourself. Wouldn't you do everything in your power to spare your child from it?
A threat of conditioned presence and love
We call it an innocent, desperate attempt to force the child's cooperation.
He doesn't want to leave the park. We tell him we're leaving. He's going to stay there all by himself.
He hits a sibling or the dog. We tell him we've had enough of his mischiefs. He should go to his room to sit there all by himself cause we're fed up.
He's misbehaving, we're at our wit's end, and we say things. Things that either imply we will leave him somewhere by himself or that we're very disappointed in him.
There's nothing innocent about this.
Not when you mean the world to your child, and you're implying you'd leave him behind, withdraw your physical presence, or your love from him because of him.
If anything, it's all a breach of trust.
The child expects you to be there for him. He depends on you with his life. When you tell him you'll be leaving him somewhere, even if you're joking, he believes you. That's why he starts crying or drops the play and follows you home.
When you tell him — I'm upset with you, I can't believe you did this, I haven't raised you to be like this — and other things that suggest you're disappointed in him rather than in his behavior, he believes you.
He believes you, and he fears. A wound is opening inside of him without anyone noticing. That wound can turn out to be the reason why your child will grow up to have a miserable life.
Think I'm exaggerating?
What's inside an abandonment wound
The most important theory of human motivation and personality, known as the self-determination theory, showed that all humans have three essential psychological needs:
Relatedness — which implies connection and attachment Autonomy — which implies taking our own decisions Competence — which implies doing things for ourselves
These three are as important to humans as food and water are.
Suppose we act in ways that would cause a small child an abandonment wound. What happens is we no longer meet his need for relatedness. We break the connection, suggesting that our attachment to him depends on his behavior. Our love is there, but it may disappear if he misbehaves. We may disappear if he won't obey.
Because connection is an essential need, the child who lacks it will desperately seek it, either in the very person who refuses to give it to him — the parent — or in other things or… substances.
A child desperate to connect will become clingy, insecure, unable to stand up for himself, and unwilling to try things. His other essential needs, autonomy and competence, will not be met either.
The abandonment wound makes it impossible for the child to fulfill his three essential psychological needs.
Such repeated behavior breaks the child who, over the years, will most likely turn into an insecure, co-dependent adult who won't live for himself but always for others. A people-pleaser, victim of many circumstances, vulnerable to bullying, toxic relationships, self-harming, and substance abuse.
Nobody wants that for their children.
But how do we end there?
Despite no sane parent wanting to cause such harm in his child, we're all at risk of doing it.
It's because we're tired, lack support, and often feel overwhelmed. And therefore, we lose the ability to look into the future. We're desperate to make it through the day. Deal with the child today.
Who has the time to think about tomorrow when we all feel like we're drowning today?
So, here is the problem.
Most things that risk opening an abandonment wound come from the anxiety of getting what we want or need from the child, at this very moment, without thinking of the long-term consequences.
You need to take him home, feed, bathe, and put him to bed at a decent hour. Of course, you're going to tell him that's it, I'm going home, when you're at your wit's end. And you're happy he obliges and follows you home.
Instead of educating the child for tomorrow, you slip into the trap of trying to fix things today. And the more you try it, the higher the odds you'll end up having to fix a lot of things tomorrow, the following year, or years from now.
To avoid the worst, we need to go through the worse. We need to gather all our strength and the minimal resources we're left with, educating the child today, so we don't need to "fix" — treat, cure, heal — him tomorrow.
Thank you for making it to the end! This is part of a series of articles about the abandonment wound, and I have work in progress on the more practical aspects of dealing with it, especially avoiding it.
Meanwhile, you might want to read these:
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