Humor

Worst Clothing Mishap Any Little Girl Could Imagine

It was an accident waiting to happen, and the timing couldn’t be worse

During a short childhood illness when I had been bedridden for over a year, I gained quite a bit of weight. Losing it wasn’t the problem as I was also growing taller, but needing new clothes became an issue as I found my few pairs of underwear were becoming loose, and it was all I could do to keep them up.

No new clothes yet

Being that I had started cutting back on food after a kid on the corner called me “tubby” and that I was growing, my mother felt she’d wait until I was at my new weight and height before buying me new clothes.

The one dress I owned was quickly becoming too short for me, and I didn’t own any long pants.

Because I was the oldest, my mother often sent me to the grocery store around the corner. On my way back, while carrying two bags, one in each arm, I could feel my underwear starting to slip.

I need a third arm

Normally, I would have just kept hiking them up, but I had no free hands.

I held the bags tighter, hoping the pressure would keep the pants in place, but they continued sliding, one slow inch at a time, down my hips.

As I approached my house, I could see the boy who lived upstairs, Tommy, and his friends leaning on one of the parked cars in front of our building. Tommy, the landlord’s nephew, was about two years older than me and lived on the top floor, and I had a crush on him.

In a few seconds, I would be walking right passed where the boys were standing, and I began to worry about having a mishap in front of them. I didn’t have far to go before I reached the top of the stairs that led down to my apartment.

If I could only make it without an accident!

Though I held the bags as tightly to my stomach as I could manage, I still felt them slipping. They were closer to my thighs at this point. So far, the dress was covering them, but I knew I had to keep my legs together to keep them from sliding any further.

The boys were still talking and not looking in my direction yet. My walking was becoming funny as I started squeezing my thighs together and taking smaller steps, inching my way closer to home. I felt as if I were waddling like a duck, though I couldn’t see myself.

“Please, just let me get past them.” I prayed silently to the powers that be.

I almost made it

As luck would have it, Tommy and his friends noticed me walking toward them and started watching. Of course, I drew their attention to me.

How could they not notice the chunky kid in the short purple dress, with two bags of groceries pressed up against her body like shields, walking as if she had to go to the bathroom?

I was almost home when my efforts failed — it happened.

My underwear slid the rest of the way down my legs and landed in a heap around my ankles. I must have turned five shades of red, as now all eyes were on me.

What could I do? I carefully stepped out of them so as not to trip. Squatting, I scooped them up with one finger as I leaned forward, hoping not to spill groceries. I got back up and walked to the staircase as if nothing had happened.

I don’t know if they were shocked or polite, but sparing me the embarrassment, they didn’t laugh out loud.

When I told my mother what happened, all she could say was, “Well, you may have lost your underwear and your dignity, but at least you didn’t lose any groceries!”