Rock and Roll / Live Music
The Worst Power Ballads I Have Ever Seen Performed Live
Why do they insist on doing this to us?
I went to see Bryan Adams the other night. He’s from Vancouver, I am too. I can’t say I’ve ever been a huge fan, but he got a massive push in this country and around the world in the 1980s.
Love him or hate him, his music is part of the furniture here. Although Reckless (his fourth of fifteen) in 1984 was the third LP record I’d ever bought (right behind Synchronicity and Thriller), this was the first time I’d ever seen him live. He hit the big time forty years ago and hasn’t had a hit in three decades. But he’s a local boy done good, so the place was packed.
It was a solid rock and roll show, if that’s what you like. Five guys in black on a black stage, just playing. Not much in the way of bells and whistles and nothing that you haven’t already heard or seen a million times already. That’s all he really has to do from here on in.
Nobody really expects any surprises from this guy anymore, if they ever did.
But credit where credit is due- at 63, he can still rock. But for every “Cuts Like a Knife,” “One Night Love Affair,” or “It’s Only Love,” there has to be a “Let’s Make it a Night to Remember.”
Now, I can belt out “Heaven” and “Straight from the Heart” as many times as the next guy, but it’s when he gets the place going with three bangers in a row and then feels the need to slow it down that I lose interest and head for the beer concession or the bathroom. And when the schlocky schmaltzy numbers are included in favour of some of the rock greats from his early catalogue, I feel compelled to ask why.
Well, I know why. We all know why he and all the rest of his ilk and era have to do that. That’s where the sweet spot is, that’s where they made and continue to make their bank. He’s not alone there. Where cigarette lighters once waved in the air when things get tender, there are now smartphone lights.
The people taking part in that ritual paid their money, and goddamn if they aren’t gonna get their money's worth.
It’s here that great bands eschew the rock and roll that they cut their teeth and initially gathered fans on. The acoustic guitar comes out, and maybe they even sit down. And so do we. The lights get lower, and we’re all supposed to believe that they really mean it with those saccharine, drippy, cringy lyrics. To which I say, knock it off already. Play what made you great, not what made you popular. That’s why we all came.
But they refuse to listen to me.
Here are five of the worst power ballads I’ve seen live from bands that really should have known better:
Bryan Adams / “Everything I Do, I Do it For You”
“Fits You Good,” “Diana,” “Lonely Nights,” “This Time,” and “Take Me Back.” All bangers from the way back catalogue that Adams could have played instead of this yawner. You and I both know the words, even though we wish we didn’t. “Look into my eyes / and you will see / What you mean to me,” while visions of Kevin Costner in Robin Hood tights flash before your eyes. It wouldn’t be so bad if it stopped there, but no, he also had to trot out “Have Ever Really Loved a Woman,” “Please Forgive Me,” and “Let’s Make it a Night to Remember.”
Where’s my coat?
Def Leppard / “Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad”
“Love Bites,” sure, lest anyone think I’m completely heartless and unromantic. We’ll take that one, it’s one of six number ones from Hysteria; they have to play that one.
But in between “Foolin’,” “Armageddon It,” “Gods of War,” and “Photograph,” don’t try to sneak in the acoustic version of “Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?” and “When Love and Hate Collide.” Nobody is interested, least of all Phill Collen. Rick Savage, maybe, because he really hits the high notes on the backing vocals, but aside from that….you are a rock band from Sheffield, England, founded in 1981. There were once comparisons made with Iron Maiden. “Why save your kisses for a rainy day / Baby, let the moment take your heart away.” Come on, man.
Aerosmith / “Don’t Want to Miss A Thing”
There was once, in the mid-1970s, a band out of Boston that personified greasy American post-hippie era rawk. And that band was Aerosmith, fronted by the raunchy and alcohol-addled tandem of Steven Tyler and Joe Perry.
Bangers such as “Sweet Emotion” and “Back in the Saddle Again” are still classics of the genre today. “Dream On,” a ballad by anyone’s measure, still gives me chills. Even when they made their late 80s comeback with “Love in an Elevator” and “Dude Looks Like a Lady,” even more raunchy and sex addicted than before, they still had it.
But somehow, as the 90s progressed, Aerosmith became better known for their bombastic, symphonic, over-Meatloafed movie soundtracks. “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” is the chief culprit of these, among many other options. “I don’t wanna close my eyes / I don’t wanna fall asleep / ’cause I miss you, baby / and I don’t wanna miss a thing” is a far cry from “Stand in the front just a shakin’ your ass / I’ll take you backstage, you can drink from my glass.”
Where did that go?
Jon Bon has been the King of the Rock Ballad since his high water mark in the late 80s. But nothing slows down a night after the stadium lifter “It’s My Life” than this tearjerker. “It’s been raining since you left me / Now I’m drowning in the flood / You see, I’ve always been a fighter / But without you, I give up.” I would take Richie on the six-string and JBJ giving us the “I’m a cowboy” routine anytime over this poor man’s “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.”
By all accounts, the Crüe live show is now just a caricature of itself…which, even in its best days, was already a caricature.
Nikki on bass and Tommy and drums can still hold their own, but poor Mick is so crippled with back problems that he’s finally announced he won’t tour with them anymore. The real issue these days is Vince, who is so bloated and booze-addled that he can’t really sing the songs anymore.
In his best days, he did have a beautiful, strong, distinctive voice. Now the problem isn’t that he’s lost that; it’s that there are too many words in Nikki’s lyrics that he just can’t keep up. “Dr. Feelgood,” “Kickstart my Heart,” “Wild Side,” and “Live Wire” are still bangers. Even “Home Sweet Home,” another classic stadium rock ballad, is still worth the price of admission.
But it’s when they drag out “Without You” from Dr Feelgood, the rush to the bathroom is on.“Without you, without you / A sailor lost at sea / Without you, woman / The world comes down on me.” It’s a plodding clanger, alright.
Come on Nikki, let’s skip this one and do “Girls, Girls, Girls” twice.
Alright alright. As I inserted the links on these five crowdpleasers, I gave them all another listen. The truth is that they all have their place. I suppose they could have made the same songs repeatedly, and these bands did just that in many cases.
I guess they wanted to show their range or that they were not just one-dimensional. Fair enough, but don’t be surprised when I break up with them over creative differences and head for the bathroom when these ones come on.
