Humor

The World’s Worst Baddies Have Been Sent to a New Reformation Clinic

The naughty step just wasn’t cutting it anymore

As the saying goes, a leopard can’t change its spots. Once a baddie, always a baddie. This is the attitude most have to those who commit unforgivable crimes. But the Villian’s Reformation Clinic has been created to give even the world's most evil a second chance.

Controversial Methods of the Clinic

The clinic has been designed in a way to tackle the anti-social behavior of such inmates, by using strategies adopted by parents to teach and discipline their young children, who simply don’t know any better.

One of the ways they have tackled this is by addressing the language used towards each other. When the clinic first opened, the language exchanged between residents was shocking. Loki’s mother received an unrivaled amount of abuse and unhealthy offers to “give her one” — to Loki’s dismay. King Joffrey from Game of Thrones was called the C-Word constantly — which was probably justified.

But soon the well-trained staff were able to put a stop to this with those using unsavory language forced to put money in a swear jar. Funds in this jar then went to the Goodies Christmas Party, which was as good as an incentive out there to turn these scoundrels into good boys and girls. There was nothing worse than seeing videos of batman licking shots off Catwoman's chest and Mary Poppins snorting a line of coke off Hagrid’s bare ass. This amount of joy present was hard for these renegades to witness. The language started changing quickly and the most brutal insults now included silly sausage and bum head, which in my eyes is great progress.

But these tactics haven’t always worked. The problem with having such delinquents all in one place is there is a lot of alphas looking for bragging rights, and the opportunity to show everyone they are the scummiest of all.

Lord Voldermort, Darth Vader, and Sauron have been told to play nice. They had all be vying for ‘The Top Baddie’ title since entering. After a pretty hostile spat over brunch, Voldermort’s milk voucher was revoked, Darth Vader was forced to stare at a blank wall in silence, and Sauron wasn’t allowed to watch Peppa Pig for a whole week.

Hannibal Lecter has been told if he doesn’t eat his vegetables he will not be allowed any ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s has been his substitute for eating people. If he misses his fix, he sulks and refuses to share his toys with the other villains. This was overcome when one of the staff started making airplane noises and holding the spoon in front of Hannibal’s mouth. He eventually gave in and eat a full head…of broccoli. The floor erupted as the carers applauded Hannibal and expressed how much of a “clever boy” he was. Hannibal looked smug, knowing he had achieved great heights.

The Backlash

Protests have started taking place on the streets, focussed on the quite reasonable argument that these heinous crimes should be enough to lock the culprits up for life.

But instead, they have been given a lifeline, where they have been presented with one last chance to show they are safe to reenter society after completing some therapy and a few online courses. The Joker recently left the clinic with a Btec in Social Care and is looking forward to forging a career as a practitioner in residential care homes.

Success Stories

One of the chief carers has described the clinic as a resounding success and has asked people to show some compassion for the inmates, as deep down they are just “cheeky rascals who have made some questionable choices”.

An interview with reformed bad boy Freddy Krueger highlights some of the great work that has been done.

“Before joining the clinic, I have to admit, I was a bit of a burden on society. I just loved murdering people. Murder was my passion. I tried playing golf, but it just wasn’t my thing. Some of us are born with talent. And my talent was butchering people. But since spending time here, I have got involved in extra-curricular activities and developed a deep love for knitting and bridge. That rush you get when you knit your first scarf is something hard to describe and has made me thirsty to make more.”

Mr. Krueger has just launched his own line of knitwear, The Devil Wears Krueger, which has been flying off the shelves. He also has an upcoming sold-out stadium tour where he will share his story and inspire others to make positive changes in their lives.