The Words You Choose Will Upgrade Your Life, or Destroy It

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Words are critical habits.

We use certain words repetitively and without thinking about them, their true meaning, and their impact on our lives.

But words are extremely powerful.

They can incite massive violence; they can spark a revolution; they can move people to tears; they can inspire millions; they can completely alter your reality.

Words are all around us: they fill our heads, they fill our ears, they appear in front of our eyes — they happen around us, to us, by us.

The effect words have on our beliefs, behaviors, and quality of life is enormous. I’d argue there’s nothing more powerful in our world right now than the stories we tell ourselves and the words we use to communicate to others and ourselves.

If you don’t master your language, the words you’re exposed to and that you choose to use will shape your life for you.

“The words we attach to our experience become our experience.” Tony Robbins

My boyfriend had the stomach flu recently and walked around the house proclaiming, “Ugh! I’m dying!”

When his body hurts he often says, “I’m so old, I’m dying!”

Science knows that pain is 100% produced by the brain, and it regulates the intensity with which you feel it.

Attaching “I’m dying,” to the onset of any pain immediately intensifies the experience.

If the words we use to describe pain can intensify or diminish it, what else does language impact?

The other night my friend said to me, “Past triggers are deadly.”

Yikes, I thought. That’s a rough mindset.

Past triggers themselves certainly can’t kill you. They aren’t a shot of poison to the heart. Of course, she was speaking metaphorically.

In her metaphorical model, however, power is completely given over to past triggers.

Past trauma and resulting triggers are difficult to manage, but if you want to live a healthy happy life you must disempower your triggers, not fuel them with your belief that they will kill you.

When coaching students who are working through tough issues, we try to assign meaning to their experience that doesn’t keep them trapped inside their past and feeling hopeless about their future.

We process the tough emotions by creating a story of progress so they can continue forward with their lives, free from limiting beliefs about their trauma.

We spend little time rehashing specific events because I’ve seen all too often that when we only focus on the negatives in our lives, we don’t move past them.

Have you ever noticed how “negative Nancy’s” tend to have pretty dismal life experiences? (And how their focus on the negative really starts to wear you down?)

Or how “the worriers” analyze every situation from a position of fear and concern?

We condition our nervous system to respond to words that we habitually use and the meanings we associate to experiences.

This creates a particular frame of mind that conditions how we unconsciously respond to external stimuli.

Would you rather sink into negativity when things don’t go your way and stay immobile inside your poorly constructed universe?

Or would you like to intentionally create the patterns in your nervous system that lead to exponential growth in a happy, productive, balanced life?

There’s a quick strategy I like to use to flip from unhelpful words and internal story constructs to using language that excites, energizes, and pushes me forward. I’ll share that with you in a moment.

First, it’s important to realize that we all have negative maxims and easy “rules” about the way the world works ingrained in our minds.

It’s easy to use common phrases that heighten emotion. We hear phrases on TV or from our friends and family, and we echo to ourselves and others because they’re nicely bundled bits of “wisdom” that offer simple explanations for how the world works. Like…

“The calm before the storm.” (A phrase used a lot by the media around the current coronavirus pandemic.)

Or, “Men are pigs.”

Or, “Failure is not an option.”

“Meaning creates emotion; emotion is your life.” Tony Robbins

If these phrases get repeated enough, the brain believes them. They become real and much harder to break.

In order to grow and heal old wounds, you need to be conscious of the language that’s influencing your perception of reality.

You can consciously disempower strong emotions and move toward solutions by shifting your language.

Start by noticing your language habits: when you’re uncomfortable, what language are you using?

“Man, this is the f*ng worst!” or, “Well, this is a little inconvenient” are two viable responses to the same experience, but a little change of language vastly discharges the emotion while another response adds intensity to the emotional experience.

“External words can influence us — the most powerful words we use internally.” Tony Robbins

I developed a neat little practice called “thought switching” whereby you change negative, unwelcome, and unhelpful thoughts into constructive, energizing, and empowering ones.

Get out a notebook or blank document (go ahead, do it now! I’ll wait for you).

Brain dump all the garbage things you say to yourself or that you believe about yourself and the world.

You can think of specific times when your emotions got the best of you, or limiting beliefs you have knocking around in your head that are holding you back.

I find it helpful to start with the phrase, “I’m not good enough for…” and move through the list that way. But you can include things like, “I can’t trust men,” or “I get angry when…” Or, “I feel super f*king jealous when...”

The problem is, we usually stop there when we’re telling ourselves “the story.”

Which leaves us stuck with bad beliefs. I’m not skinny enough. I have trust issues. I will always be broke. I never do enough. I can’t be vulnerable around men. I’m picky. I’m jealous.

Our brain reads these as immutable facts.

But the story doesn’t end there. You’re not your problems and you can fix them, sometimes quite easily.

Here’s how to swap a bad belief for an empowered belief.

Write down why you have that feeling, reaction, or belief.

When we dig a little deeper, we always find motivations behind our responses. And this is how you find the story of progress which can move you toward a brighter future aligned with your highest goals for yourself.

I’m not healthy enough (why?) because I don’t push myself in exercise, have a regular routine, and I’m not serious about changing my eating habits.

I have trust issues (why?) because I’ve been cheated on and had a physically abusive father.

I will always be broke (why?) because no matter how much I earn I always find a way to spend it, and I feel like I can never earn enough.

I never do enough (why?) because at the end of the day my to do list is only bigger and the house is a mess and I can’t find time for necessary errands and…

There are just two easy steps to take in the direction of your brighter future.

Let’s flip these thoughts.

Write down what you would rather be like in this situation. For example,

I’m not healthy enough (why?) because I don’t push myself in exercise or have a regular routine, and I’m not serious about changing my eating habits. > I would rather feel strong and breathe more easily, and workout 3 to 4 times a week without struggling. I’d eat more whole foods and less chips, cookies, and other processed foods.

I have trust issues because I’ve been cheated on and had a physically abusive father. > I’d rather learn how to trust, feeling no need to protect myself so strongly, and leave my past trauma behind so I can live life on my own terms.

I will always be broke (why?) because no matter how much I earn I always find a way to spend it, and I feel like I can never earn enough. > I would rather not have to worry about making purchases knowing that I have more than enough in my account every month, and I’d like to have a savings account with $50,000 in it.

Now that you have your eye on what you’d rather feel, have, or do, you have a path forward.

Can you see it?

The final step to transforming your personal story into a spring toward success is to write down what you need to do to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Actions I can take: Remove all processed foods from the house and put a moratorium on buying foods on my “junk” list. Start with this 7 minute abs video every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. After two weeks of consistent practice, add 10 minutes of cardio (rowing, jump rope, elliptical, bike). Meal plan & prep whole meals every Sunday.

Notice how the actions are very specific and small. BJ Fogg, founder of the Stanford Behavior Design Lab and creator of the Fogg behavior model advocates for making lasting change through baby steps.

Switching your language switches your focus which switches your ability to make significant change.

This isn’t a practice in writing affirmations or just “being positive.” It’s about conscientiously choosing your language to reflect the way you want to view the world — so that you live your best life.