The Words We Choose Can Be Toxic

Think carefully before you speak, especially when you give advice!

The photo shows me in a discussion with the juror of this pastel society show. That is my Mom with a big smile, me in the middle talking, and the juror on the right. Mom must have thought what I was saying was funny. That is a good thing. I remember the night and enjoyed talking to her since I don’t get to see her often. It was a delightful encounter and great to see my friend.

I remember she asked me which painting was mine. I told her the judge of this show didn’t accept my artwork. It was me being funny. She was the judge and got a kick out of my response. I think I even got a hug! Her remark, “How dare that judge because you are a wonderful artist.”

That … remark … was … “a wonderful” … thing … to … say! And, Mom thought it was fun! I enjoyed seeing my friend and will remember it for a long time.

I hope you enjoyed that little story as it illustrates the idea of this article!

How do you talk to other people?

And if you are giving advice! Find the positive attitude in yourself to deal with what could be a “not so positive” situation!

The above story could have gone a completely different way if I had let it. Also, my friend, the juror, went right along with the humor of the situation. Many paintings are submitted to a show of this stature, and the majority do not get accepted. I know this and do not let it define me as an artist.

We all deal with our own inner battles but don’t bring them into another person’s discussion. She was genuinely excited to see me at the reception. Take a breath, and figure out a way to be sympathetic about what, or how, they are doing. She had a tough job!

Encouragement is a good idea.

Are you someone that knows how to encourage when asked for advice? And, if you are discussing another person’s endeavors, start out with a positive thought? I am told I like to ask a lot of questions, but I do so to find the entry to giving constructive advice.

Quote:

“Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it. If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” changes are you are.

“The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.”

From the War of Art, Steven Pressfield.

Many articles I write include quotes from books I have read. And there are books I read for a second or third time, one of which I quote from above. If you have not read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, I highly recommend it.

Getting back to how we choose our words!

When talking to people, many times, it is other artists asking for advice. I need to realize I am also talking to their child within. It makes me more cautious with the words I use, especially when there is disagreement. Once spoken, you can’t take them back.

Being an artist, I find that it seems to be a teaching moment when I speak. My thoughts just come out that way.

My life is surrounded by artists and students. I am asked often to critique a piece of artwork! I may be asked to give advice about marketing the work they produce.

It comes with the territory of being a teacher and mentor in the art world.

Oh, dear! How can I encourage them?

I learned a long time ago how fragile we all are when we ask for advice. Most of us grow up wanting to please our elders. It only takes a negative word or two to dampen our spirit and feel inadequate.

Once you speak words, you cannot take them back. If you can remember this, you might begin to understand how to encourage rather than dampen their enthusiasm.

As I mentioned above, we have a child within us from those early years. It surfaces when we offer our passion for critique. It does not matter if it is art, writing, music, athletics, how to deal with others … you name it! We try hard at whatever we are doing most of the time.

More than anything, we are hoping for words of wisdom that will propel us further in our chosen adventure.

Make them smile!

First … start out with something they have done well.

Make sure it is something you can explain why it is done well. This is not about B.S. …. you know what I mean. People can smell insincerity!

Give them a chance to speak a sentence or two in response.

At this point, you can pick one or two items to give advice on how to make it better. This is not about disparaging what they have done but about taking that beginning and making it better somehow. If they have asked you, it is because they think you have experience!

Giving advice can be a two-way street. They want to learn, and you may be a teacher … why they asked for your advice! Hopefully, if you are teaching, you are drawn to helping those coming up behind you in the journey you have chosen.

Disagreement can show its face in a critique.

When talking about something that could be done differently, you must consider that it is their work, not yours. They may know it seems off in some way. They are acknowledging there could be something done better.

I have often seen a response where the “student” wants to argue about why they did something. You must remember they are invested in what they have already done.

I mean, they don’t see what they did as “wrong,” though a feeling of something keeps surfacing in their mind. I have it happen to me. I think something is done, but I just cannot put the painting in a frame. My gut is telling me something, but it is not coming through to my brain!

Your choice of words is essential to positive feedback rather than negative. If you can, talk about other options that could be made.

I may have said it before, but it is worth repeating.

A positive thought goes a long way to creating a satisfactory outcome. People have a tendency to follow through with change when it is given with a smile.

I usually say things several times, in different ways. I do repeat myself! I get told this quite often. I don’t mind.

Heck, even when writing an article, I might repeat myself, but in slightly different words.

Do the same thing when giving advice.

Be positive. Smile!