The Word That Stopped My Heart and the Word That Brought It Back To Life

Don’t submit to the word “no” when saying “yes” could be the key to happiness

I’ve deprived myself my whole life working towards some ever-elusive goal of perfection. My mind tenaciously clings to the idea, even though I know it’s impossible. And on the days I am truly cognizant of the heartbreaking reality I will remain hopelessly imperfect, I still charge ahead, determined to make the 12 mile marker even if I can’t finish the marathon.

But today, I had an epiphany. I realized just how much I’ve lost in my life by saying (or thinking) one simple word. No.

While others laughed and pigged out of pizza and chips, I said “no” and sat in the corner chewing my protein bar. While others spent a day at the beach, I said, “No thanks” and stayed home, not wanting the sun to put more freckles on a face I already saw as hideous. While others left relationships that were unfulfilling, I said “no” to the thoughts that told me my life could be better if I only had the courage to search for true happiness.

And now I see what I didn’t see then, which was the word “no” was a safety net, a weighted blanket that I used to keep my fears at bay, my anxiety attacks down, and my self-esteem from plummeting to depths which I feared there was never return. In short, the word “no” allowed me to stay safe, but it didn’t allow me to have joy.

Yes, saying “no” to the holiday cake kept the pounds off, but it also kept me from the simple joy that comes from having a mouthful of sugar, a temporary high that I needed, even if it would quickly go away.

Yes, saying “no” to family time allowed me to get a pat on the back at work or some two second form of acknowledgement from those in charge. But it also kept me from seeing the giggles of my children in the living room as they engaged in game night while I slogged away on the computer.

And today, I reached a breaking point. I didn’t have the passion or willpower to say “no” to my heart or my body anymore.

I’d spent my whole life saying “no” to simple joys and now, under the weight of a world that demands so many “no’s” simply to stay alive, I couldn’t digest the word. It made me suffocate. It made my gag.

This life-changing revelation was only about an hour ago, so I’ve not yet hopped into bed with “yes.” But I’m going to.

It’s going to start with a “yes” to a Mexican dish that I love and a basketful of tortilla chips that I will horde from my children. Then it’s going to be a “yes” to at least two full hours of my favorite television series, followed by a “yes” to one more glass of wine than I normally permit myself. Then, it’s going to be a “yes” to cuddling my dogs, my children, and my husband.

The computer? Poor thing. For now it will die a slow painful death because it won’t know what it do with keys that haven’t been caressed and loved in the last hour. And truly, I don’t give a damn.

I’ve seen some truths today. And maybe you can benefit from them.

Truth number one: You only have one life, a life that could say “no” at any moment when you ask for another breath.

Truth number two: Those strangers you want to impress so much that you starve yourself and work yourself to death, they don’t care about you. They wouldn’t take a bullet for you. They wouldn’t love you with twenty extra pounds around your middle or a job cleaning toilets for a living.

Truth number three: There are people who do love you unconditionally. They’ll be gone one day, so don’t say “no” to them.

Please, please say “yes” to them first. Say “yes” to the people who say “yes” to you, regardless of the number of the scale, the money you make, or how many followers you have on Instagram. Eat the doughnut. Watch the shallow tv series. Laugh at the stupid YouTube videos.

Remember, you are not a machine. You are a person who has one chance at happiness. Don’t say “no” to it. Say “yes.”

Now, if you’ll please excuse me, the tortilla chips and Season 14, episode one, of Grey’s Anatomy are calling my name. And what am I saying back to them?

Yes.

And if you want real joy, if you want to survive this pandemic emotionally intact, I suggest you do the same.