The Word “Love” Used To Bother Me
What is love, anyway?
The word “love” used to bother me. I found it confusing that the same word could mean completely different things. Sometimes “love” meant feelings of closeness for family and friends. Other times it was just a coded way of saying “you turn me on”. We can love our pets, TV shows, music, ideas, favorite desserts, our country, and on and on. We can even love the most abstract thing of all — God. How is it we use one word for so many different situations?
It really makes you wonder, what is love? Is it an emotion? Is it a duty? Is it a hormone? It wasn’t until I first heard love defined as “self-giving” that it finally made sense to me. I stopped thinking of love as a feeling and started thinking of it as an action. Self-giving can be something concrete like money or something abstract like your attention. It can be a present given to a child at Christmas or one’s life given in the defense of one’s country. It can be something as simple as a kind word at the right moment or as complex as sharing an artistic vision like a film or novel. The common thread is that acts of love always involve giving some measure of one’s time, attention, care, concern, and energy to others.
So is there any connection between self-giving “love” and sexual “love”? By itself, sexual desire seems like the opposite of love. It can be completely materialistic, uncaring, and even brutal. It’s only when physical attraction is blended with self-giving that sex actually becomes loving. In an actual romantic relationship, there has to be mutual caring involved, otherwise, it’s likely just manipulation or abuse.
I find that in my life, the thing that stands in the way of being a giver is selfishness. And selfishness is powered by a whole big bundle of greed, fear, feelings of superiority, feelings of inferiority, anger, hatred, laziness, desires, etc. called the human condition. Have you ever wanted to give money to a homeless person but were afraid of getting too close? Have you ever wanted to call a friend in need to let them know you care about them but just didn’t “feel” like making the effort? A hundred times a day, we have opportunities to give of ourselves in both obvious and subtle ways. I think for most of us it’s hard to always do the giving thing. Many times we let these opportunities pass us by. Hopefully as we grow, our desire to give overcomes our selfishness and we begin taking more and more of these opportunities.
On the spiritual path we are continuously challenged to grow in our ability to love. We are called to love one another by caring about our neighbors as much or more than we care about ourselves. We start out loving those close to us, but, as we grow up, our circle of love keeps getting wider and wider until it encompasses all humanity.
As we mature on the path and mature in our ability to love, naturally we want to know if our efforts at being a more loving person are effective. We become more attentive to the responses of others to see if our actions have their intended positive affect. We also become more introspective in order to determine what things we ourselves find deeply pleasing and fulfilling, so that we can better love others. We learn to tailor our giving based on what’s appropriate to the person, place, time, and circumstances. We give to others based on who they are and where they are on their journey instead of loving everyone in the same way. We love our parents in one way, for example, our spouse in another, and our children in still another. If you want to know how far along someone is on the spiritual path, just look to see how skillful they are at loving.
I used to feel like maybe there was something others knew about love that I didn’t. If love was a feeling of affection, how did people maintain this feeling? In my experience, feelings come and go. Trying to maintain a single emotion for any length of time can be draining. Now I realize love isn’t a feeling I have to constantly feel. It’s just me being willing to share my self with others when I can.