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Abstract

t like getting to just hang out. That’s where this other group of women comes in — the ones that help me to feel connected, accepted, and light — both from the non-stop laughter and comeraderie as well as the Prosecco.</p><p id="30dc">Ostensibly, we are a book club. We get together once a month for brunch and to talk about a book that we’ve all read, although it’s fine if you don’t read it, and even with books that we like, we never seem to spend more than about 15 minutes or so talking about them. The real purpose of the group is brunch and booze and spending time together. We take turns hosting because things always seem to go for at least 4 hours, but sometimes we hang out for 6 because we’re having so much fun.</p><p id="ea7a">What’s interesting, is that we are a fairly diverse group politically. We don’t really talk about politics very often but every once in a while a discussion about some social issue gets a little bit heated. And yet, everyone treats each other with respect and genuine affection. We can be real with each other, but also don’t take any differences in perspective personally. When I came out to this group as polyamorous and bisexual a few months back, even the conservative Christian member of the group was accepting and kind.</p><p id="5dc9">A lot of these women used to work together and used to travel around the country running half-marathons together, so they know each other in a variety of contexts. Some of them used to belong to another book group sometimes referred to as “the Nazi book club.” In that group, if you don’t read the book, you have to sit on the floor. No comfy sofas for you! This no-rules loose conglomeration is an antidote to that. We don’t take ourselves that seriously.</p><p id="c744">We have a private Facebook group where we sometimes chat a little in between meetings, but in five years, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything with any of them outside of the group context. Still, I feel really bonded to them, and accepted by them in a way that is extremely life affirming and also just plain fun. It’s a part of what helps keep me sane in a world that is often quite stressful. I have some control over the how much I engage with that online, but I don’t have any control over the stressful parts of my life related to caring for and living with a 25 year old autistic son who has uncontrolled epilepsy and a lot of anxiety and compulsive behaviors.</p><p id="e014">Getting to spend time in a group setting with other women that I like and trust, even if it’s only once a month, adds something very important back into my life — and it’s something that I don’t get in the same way from spending time with my husband or having a great conversation with one friend.</p><blockquote id="0337"><p>“Research shows that women, [possibly] more than men, need to maintain those connections. It increases serotonin and oxytocin, the bonding hormone,” says Alisa Ruby Ba

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sh, PsyD, LMFT. <a href="https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2013/09/love-hormone-may-play-wider-role-in-social-interaction-than-previously-thought-scientists-say.html">Studies at Stanford</a> seem to confirm this, as did a <a href="http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html">UCLA study</a> showing that in times of stress, women don’t just experience the drive toward fight or flight — they also release oxytocin. This hormonal surge can compel women to “tend and befriend,” a.k.a., to protect their kids (if they have them), but also to connect with other women.</p></blockquote><blockquote id="51f8"><p>Maintaining those bonds becomes even more important as we grow older, according to Dr. Bash. “We get busier, with more responsibilities,” she says. “It makes us feel nurtured and validated to hang out with friends we can be totally ourselves [with], minus the outside pressures.” (<a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/benefits-of-a-girlsquad-and-female-friendships#Is-there-a-science-behind-female-friendships?">source</a>)</p></blockquote><p id="4cdf">One of the other things that I appreciate is we talk about all sorts of topics— a little about work, but not excessively; a little about kids, but not overwhelmingly. Over the course of 4 or 5 hours, I can’t even keep track of all the things that we talk about, laugh about, share about, but it’s always fun and enjoyable. I always come away feeling restored in some way and I’m very grateful to be a part of this group of women. They contribute so much to putting some balance back into my life and they help to keep me sane. I don’t know what I’d do without them.</p><p id="2e15">© Copyright Elle Beau 2023</p><div id="fc50" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-came-out-to-my-bookclub-last-night-5b5b98a0cfa0"> <div> <div> <h2>I Came Out to My Bookclub Last Night</h2> <div><h3>Until then, they thought I was just another suburban wife</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*13LhKTBthmuauHRLDwgocA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1b97" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/embracing-my-inner-baba-yaga-62669a4998d6"> <div> <div> <h2>Embracing My Inner Baba Yaga</h2> <div><h3>She is either a maternal helper or the bringer of death — or both</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*EUewhP1iYb0dgy_nPyxfZQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

The Women Who Help Keep Me Sane

I only see them once a month, but it’s enough

On my way to book club yesterday morning, Lynyrd Skynyrd came on the radio. Immediately my mood is boosted and I turn up the volume and begin to sing along.

Gimme three steps, give me three steps mister, give me three steps towards the door…

I’m having fun, but for some reason, I’m then transported back to college where I’m sitting in my boyfriend’s room with a couple of his friends when a Skynyard song comes on the radio.

“Awesome,” I blurt out, “I love them.”

“No you don’t,” says one of my boyfriend’s pals, disdainfully. Because that’s clearly something that most people lie about — what sort of music they enjoy. 🙄 I guess he just had it in his head for some reason that it isn’t the sort of music that girls like. But he didn’t grow up in the South like I did, so I just ignore his rudeness and start singing along. I know all the words, including the exclamations between verses.

“Oh, he says,” a bit chagrined. “I guess you do like them.”

My boyfriend stays silent through the whole thing and I break up with him a month later because this is a pattern — silence in the face of rudeness by his friends for no real reason — and I’m tired of it. As much as I like him, I don’t like that. They call me moose behind my back because I’m tall, but in a way that I can still hear, and my boyfriend does nothing.

That wasn’t the first time that some guy has underestimated me, stereotyped me, or has been rude to my face, and it certainly wasn’t the last. In fact, the long history of that has been getting me a bit down lately. It tends to wear on your mental and emotional health to constantly be dismissed, demeaned, and treated to unwarranted belligerent behavior just because of your gender, and I’m tired.

I’ve started to write less and to use the block button a lot more liberally. As much as I like the genuine community aspects of Medium, I don’t like that. Some recent time away with my husband was a much-needed respite and reaffirmation of love and fun. He’s my safe harbor all the time, unlike that college boyfriend and although I don’t take that for granted, it’s nice to have a larger network of in-person support as well.

None of my close friends live here. They are spread around across the country, and one lives in Canada. We talk and message regularly, but it’s not like getting to just hang out. That’s where this other group of women comes in — the ones that help me to feel connected, accepted, and light — both from the non-stop laughter and comeraderie as well as the Prosecco.

Ostensibly, we are a book club. We get together once a month for brunch and to talk about a book that we’ve all read, although it’s fine if you don’t read it, and even with books that we like, we never seem to spend more than about 15 minutes or so talking about them. The real purpose of the group is brunch and booze and spending time together. We take turns hosting because things always seem to go for at least 4 hours, but sometimes we hang out for 6 because we’re having so much fun.

What’s interesting, is that we are a fairly diverse group politically. We don’t really talk about politics very often but every once in a while a discussion about some social issue gets a little bit heated. And yet, everyone treats each other with respect and genuine affection. We can be real with each other, but also don’t take any differences in perspective personally. When I came out to this group as polyamorous and bisexual a few months back, even the conservative Christian member of the group was accepting and kind.

A lot of these women used to work together and used to travel around the country running half-marathons together, so they know each other in a variety of contexts. Some of them used to belong to another book group sometimes referred to as “the Nazi book club.” In that group, if you don’t read the book, you have to sit on the floor. No comfy sofas for you! This no-rules loose conglomeration is an antidote to that. We don’t take ourselves that seriously.

We have a private Facebook group where we sometimes chat a little in between meetings, but in five years, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything with any of them outside of the group context. Still, I feel really bonded to them, and accepted by them in a way that is extremely life affirming and also just plain fun. It’s a part of what helps keep me sane in a world that is often quite stressful. I have some control over the how much I engage with that online, but I don’t have any control over the stressful parts of my life related to caring for and living with a 25 year old autistic son who has uncontrolled epilepsy and a lot of anxiety and compulsive behaviors.

Getting to spend time in a group setting with other women that I like and trust, even if it’s only once a month, adds something very important back into my life — and it’s something that I don’t get in the same way from spending time with my husband or having a great conversation with one friend.

“Research shows that women, [possibly] more than men, need to maintain those connections. It increases serotonin and oxytocin, the bonding hormone,” says Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT. Studies at Stanford seem to confirm this, as did a UCLA study showing that in times of stress, women don’t just experience the drive toward fight or flight — they also release oxytocin. This hormonal surge can compel women to “tend and befriend,” a.k.a., to protect their kids (if they have them), but also to connect with other women.

Maintaining those bonds becomes even more important as we grow older, according to Dr. Bash. “We get busier, with more responsibilities,” she says. “It makes us feel nurtured and validated to hang out with friends we can be totally ourselves [with], minus the outside pressures.” (source)

One of the other things that I appreciate is we talk about all sorts of topics— a little about work, but not excessively; a little about kids, but not overwhelmingly. Over the course of 4 or 5 hours, I can’t even keep track of all the things that we talk about, laugh about, share about, but it’s always fun and enjoyable. I always come away feeling restored in some way and I’m very grateful to be a part of this group of women. They contribute so much to putting some balance back into my life and they help to keep me sane. I don’t know what I’d do without them.