The Woman Inside

Summary

The content describes the author's lifelong struggle with gender identity, having suppressed their internal female gender for 61 years due to societal pressures and expectations, and their eventual understanding and acceptance of being transgender.

Abstract

For six decades, the author grappled with the internal conflict of identifying as female while presenting as male to the world. This internal battle was shaped by a society that enforced strict gender roles and expectations, leaving no room for the expression of what the author refers to as "female thoughts." The author details the pain of hiding their true self, the frustration of not being able to openly share their interests and perspectives, and the emotional toll of enduring sexist environments. The journey to self-acceptance was fraught with fear, ignorance, and shame, but ultimately led to a profound realization of their transgender identity and the right to embrace their gender without seeking permission from others. The author now looks forward to the day when they can present their true self to the world without restraint.

Opinions

The author expresses that society's binary gender expectations are oppressive and do not allow for the expression of nuanced gender identities.
The author believes that even within the LGBTQ+ community, there is a lack of full acceptance for transgender individuals, with some gays and lesbians harboring prejudice against them.
The author feels a deep sense of loss and soul-crushing pain from having to conform to male gender expectations, which conflicted with their female gender identity.
The author is critical of the male privilege they experienced, as it came at the expense of their true gender identity and caused internal turmoil.
The author conveys a sense of isolation from not being able to authentically engage in typically feminine interests and discussions without being misunderstood or dismissed.
The author emphasizes that their gender dysphoria and sense of exclusion are now understood in the context of their transgender identity, which they have a right to claim and express.
The author expresses a newfound freedom and self-acceptance, no longer feeling the need to ask for permission to be their true self.

For 61 years I hid my gender from the world and from myself

One of the sad things about growing up male with a suppressed internal female gender is that, all my life I couldn’t say what was in my heart. I was constantly hiding my thoughts. In the society that raised me, my penis took away any right that I had to express what was clearly identified as female thoughts.

Let me make it perfectly clear that even now, we don’t live in an accepting world for people who are transgender. We barely have the acceptance of some gays and lesbians. Heck there are even gays and lesbians who despise transgender people. So, when I say “female thoughts” I am painting my picture based on the binary world that raised me.

They made the rules.

For 61 years I hid my gender from the world and from myself. It was buried under testosterone, socialization, fear, ignorance and shame. It had a quiet voice that spoke to me and only me. It was an inner voice that I could not share with others.

It was soft and loving and vulnerable. It loved romance and beauty and the heart. It despised cruelty and meanness and hurting others. It truly just wanted to enjoy the world and the people that lived in it.

I was limited with whom I could share even a portion of this hidden world. Cisgender men and women wouldn’t accept a man who showed those weaknesses. I had to be a man’s man for them all to accept me.

My male sexual privilege was at the cost of my female gender’s soul.

She was concealed inside a man’s body, a body that had to listen to offensive sexist jokes and comments and tolerated insultingly chauvinistic statements that I was forced to grow up with. My male sexual privilege was at the cost of my female gender’s soul.

As bad as that was, there were moments when I felt outrage at how women were treated and when I voiced my anger it was received with patient forbearance rather than a shared, common sense of insult by other women. Whenever I saw a dress, a pair of shoes, a makeup or hair style that I wanted to talk about, the woman I was with always thought I was checking out the other woman as if I was ogling her or simply changed the conversation because she was uncomfortable with my unusual interest in women’s fashion.

There were also times talking with a small group of women when I wanted to scream that I was trapped inside this guy. To please get me out of there. To just share in the conversation and not be treated as an outsider. There was a constant pain every time I waited for someone outside a dressing room, watching all the pretty clothes go by that I could never wear or walking past a cosmetic counter, knowing I was never going to be able sit down at the counter with the other women.

Each time I felt the rejection. Each time I cried inside. Each time the pain was never visible but was felt deeply. The bruising it caused took longer and longer to heal.

Until 3 years ago I never understood this personal pain, this sense of exclusion, the feeling of being an outsider to both genders.

So now I finally understand gender dysphoria. I now know that I am transgender. I understand that I have always been wired female, that it is my gender, regardless of who wants to challenge me over my right to it. It is my right pure and simple. I am no longer asking for permission.

I am now listening to my internal voice and I finally feel the freedom of acceptance from, simply, me.

Someday I hope to share this person to the world without restraint.

She is worth knowing.