It Changed My Life
A Ring is a Symbol of Love, What Do You Do With That Ring After Loss?
The Wedding Ring Dilemma
I touch it. I gently twist it round and round. The action is comforting. I’ve been doing this for 25 years. It is like a part of me. The ring marks on my finger are proof of its presence.
I have fought this dilemma for 25 years.
What to do with that wedding ring?
Do I take it off or not?
The wedding ring is a symbol of the love that you share with the person you marry. You exchange it and say with this ring “I thee wed”. But what happens when death robs you of love? …Of the life you had planned to spend together?
What do you do with that ring?
For me, it stayed on my wedding ring finger. That is the fourth finger on the left hand in most western cultures.
The wedding ring is worn on that finger as it is believed there is a vein from that finger running directly to the heart.
If I take off that ring, will it stop being connected to my heart?
I’ve often wondered whether it has held me back by continuing to wear that wedding ring? Maybe. Or maybe I was just not ready to move on.
When is the right time? What do you do with your precious wedding ring?
Some have told me to melt it down and make a locket or necklace.
Others have suggested wearing it on a chain.
To give it away to a loved one to use.
Maybe do something symbolic with it.
I have faced this wedding ring dilemma like many widows and widowers have before me.
Do you take your wedding ring off? If so, when do you do this?
Taking it off feels like a betrayal.
It feels like removing a part of your life. Part of you.
I remember the early days of my marriage. I wore my ring with pride. I wanted everyone to know I was a married woman. I wanted them to ask me about my ring because I wanted to talk about my husband. He was a part of me, an integral part of my new life.
I wanted them to know I was a married woman, not a widow with a sad life ahead.
A widow with sadness and sorrow in her heart.
I wanted to hold onto the good memories, the joy, the happy times. Keeping the ring on helped me to feel this way.
It gave me comfort — especially in those early days of grief.
As time went on I re-married. I had to face the dilemma of removing that first ring from my wedding ring finger to replace it with another man’s ring. That was almost as bad. The first betrayal.
I could not totally remove the ring from my person, so I placed it on my other hand. It felt comforting there. It was part of me still. I wore two wedding rings for many years, one on each hand.
Sadly, I separated from my second husband some years later. I did not have the same dilemma about removing that second wedding ring, though we still remain friends. I removed it as the relationship ended.
But still, I kept my first wedding ring on.
As the years passed my thoughts would often return to the first wedding ring, after all, it was with me every day.
It began to stop conversations. As people watched me play with the ring on my finger and ask about it. I would see the look of discomfort on their faces as I explained.
The news that I had been widowed in my twenties, giving rise to an awkwardness. They would soon make their excuses and seek someone else to speak to. Uncomfortable by my presence.
As life went on, the ring was becoming a problem and causing social discomfort.
I began to ask myself the same questions I had when I first became a widow.
Should I take it off?
When is the right time?
Is there a right time?
Has the right time arrived?
I thought I would just instinctively feel when it was right to take it off.
For 25 years I had waited for that feeling. It did not happen.
A few years ago, my daughter, our daughter got married.
Her father was not there to see her grow into an independent young woman. She was three months old when he left this world. He was not here for the whole of her life, but he was always beside us in spirit and in the symbol of that ring.
He walked with us as we walked down the aisle. My daughter had placed a charm with a photo of us on our wedding day in her wedding bouquet. He was with us on that day.
She moved on to the next phase of her life. She became a wife, as she exchanged rings with her husband-to-be, I felt something inside of me.
I knew that I would feel that right moment and that moment came on the day after my daughter’s wedding.
As I sat and twiddled the ring for one last time.
I reflected on the love that had been.
I say one more final goodbye to the man who was my husband and will always be my husband. He is still with me spiritually. 25 years on the feelings for him have not abated, the love I feel is as strong. I talk to him and tell him I love him as I take my ring off. The time has come, and I instinctively feel this is the right moment.
There is no longer a ring on my finger.
It feels bare and I feel myself out of habit move to twiddle it.
But there is nothing there but bareness.
Bareness on my hand.
Bareness on my soul.
There is an emptiness and I have never realized it until now.
I have held onto the love that was but is no more tangible.
I know now that it is time to move on.
It has taken me a long time to reach this point.
There is no right and there is no wrong time to remove your wedding ring.
It is when you feel it is instinctively right for you.
Some may take a year, or less, 5 years, maybe 10.
But for me, it took 25 years to realize the right time to remove the wedding ring from my finger.
I was bereaved at the age of 25 years with a 3-month-old baby girl. Sometimes, I share my journey of young widowhood and more importantly learning to live again after such loss.