The Way People Treat You Says More About Them Than It Does About You

If you don’t take hold of your shame, it will take hold of you.

It is a beautiful spring day, and you are sitting outside on a restaurant patio. The sun is warm, but the breeze is cool, and the combination feels delightful on your skin.

The restaurant is crowded and understaffed. You waited a while for the waitress to take your order, and the food is taking longer than it should to arrive. You have a drink and good company, so you are not bothered by the wait. You see the waitress darting from table to table, looking rushed and stressed out. You know the delay is not her fault.

Three of the tables have ordered a steak cooked medium rare. But when the waitress brings the steaks to the tables, each is cooked well-done.

The person at the first table is angry, but they don’t say anything, as the food has already taken too long to come out. They complain about the steak to their companions, but they eat it while grumbling.

The person at the second table tells the waitress the steak is overcooked and asks her to bring a steak that is cooked medium rare. They politely but assertively request a rush be placed on the steak, as they have already been waiting a while for their food.

The person at the third table starts yelling at the waitress. They blame her for the poor service and the undercooked steak and loudly declare they will never be returning here. Then they storm out of the restaurant without paying.

Each customer had a different reaction to the same situation because their reactions weren’t about the situation. Their reactions were about themselves.

An emotionally healthy person can express their needs in a way that is assertive, yet kind, like the second person was. An emotionally unhealthy person will often fail to assert their needs or act in ways that are passive-aggressive or aggressive.

Shame is one of the main factors driving emotionally unhealthy behavior. Someone with a high amount of shame will have a pattern of behavior that includes acting in ways that are self-destructive or destructive towards others.

In John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame That Binds You, he discusses how once shame is internalized, it becomes an identity. Someone who has a shame-based identity will see themselves as either more or less than human.

Instead of giving themselves permission to be human and make mistakes, they will identify as a slob/failure or as a perfectionist or vacillate between the two extremes. They will display controlling behaviors, or they will act in ways that are out of control. They will blame others or blame themselves.

Shame-based people transfer their shame to others. Their shaming behaviors will trigger shame in other people who then internalize the other person’s projected shame.

This is why you may falsely believe if someone treats you poorly, there is something wrong with you. The poor treatment triggers your shame, which causes you to feel unworthy or inadequate.

If you have high self-worth and a strong sense of self, you may bounce back from a shaming encounter quickly, and it may have little to no effect on you. But if you’ve experienced many shaming situations in the past which caused you to internalize shame, and you have not worked through that shame, someone else’s shaming behavior will trigger your internalized shame.

When you have a shame-based identity, you move through the world believing either you are at fault or someone else is at fault. It becomes difficult to give yourself or others grace for making mistakes. You are unable to see yourself or someone else as a person who is flawed, yet worthy and lovable.

As shame is one of the worst emotions to feel and for many people feels intolerable, humans have many defenses against feeling shame. Anger is a common defense, and the anger can be projected inward towards self or outward towards others.

We are all human, and even the most emotionally healthy people among us can lose their tempers or display poor behaviors on occasion. The difference is this is not a pattern of behavior.

And when an emotionally healthy person does something hurtful, they take ownership, apologize, and make efforts to not repeat the hurtful behavior.

When someone has a pattern of treating others poorly, they are the ones driving their behaviors due to their internalized shame. Whether it’s an overcooked steak or how your partner constantly leaves their clothes strewn all over the floor, we always have the choice to address an issue while being assertive, yet kind.

Shaming events can be very triggering, but remember that other people’s shame is about them, not about you. Even in difficult situations, people can be treated with kindness and respect.

You can’t control what happens in life, but you can control how you react to what happens in life.