How I Quit Hot And Cold Relationships
No More Losing Myself Over Inconsistent Behaviour
You are a magical forest.
Once, I was allowed deep within but then I got a bit too deep and the roots of all the trees were pushing me out. Now I am watching from the outside. Not allowed back in.
There is a wall of vines with thick spikes in front that I can’t pass. I can only have a glimpse of what’s inside.
All I want is to feel the moss underneath my feet again, breathe in the wisdom of the old trees and watch animals playing around. And where it gets darker it’s the most magical time with glow worms creating little light patterns in the air and moths swirling around.
But now I’m outside. Here and there, a little hole opens up between the vines. But only for a short period of time until I get pushed out again.
I feel like I belong in the forest — in one form or another. But all I can do now is stand in front of this wall of rose bushes and through a small hole, I can glimpse at the shimmer of the forest.
At the same time, I wish nothing more than for the forest to become bigger, peacefully expand and nourish its own tribe of animal species and plants.
And maybe one day I’m calm enough for the forest to allow me back in again.
I have been through a few relationships in the past with a partner who has been hot and cold. My partners were either afraid of deep commitment and the vulnerability and potential pain that would come with it or they were just not interested enough in me to invest energy in building a long-term partnership.
Regardless of how invested I was, all of these relationships had one thing in common — I lost parts of myself together with trust and self-esteem.
I was confused and anxious. When a partner let me in and showed me their beautiful world, I would fall for it. Sometimes I fell deeply in love. When my partner would start to pull away and act distant, I would get an intense craving for the intimacy we once shared.
I felt out of control, lost, lonely and started to question myself. Had I done anything wrong? Said something hurtful? Should I have been more loving? Should I have shown less interest? Was I too much? Was I not enough?
Eventually, they started to come around again and the cycle would start all over again. The more cycles I went through, the more I was craving intimacy and the more anxious I got when I did not receive it. With every cycle, it got harder to open up about my feelings, to ask what was going on and to define my own needs in that relationship.
The majority of these relationships eventually broke because of this confusing, inconsistent behaviour. Either I started to become so confused and resentful, that I would end up mirroring my partner’s actions with a delay, resulting in an alternating cycle — when he was hot, I was cold and when he pulled away, I’ve tried to capture him.
It felt like a game.
My current partner has been the same at the beginning of our relationship.
When we were just starting to date, he was hard to read and extremely confusing. When we would spend time together, he showered me with affection and love. We were talking all night long and he let me in deep into his world. I felt trusted and loved and we were building a deep connection very fast. The more serious and real it felt, the more scared he became and he started to act hot and cold.
We were acting like a couple, spending days in a row together, I met his parents. It felt like I had known this human forever. As if he had been a part of me for so much longer.
But whenever we would talk about our relationship, whenever I would get triggered by his actions and react in an emotional, sometimes immature way, he would pull away and we were strangers.
Something got ripped away from my heart, my soul. I tried to make sense of everything, find excuses for his behaviour and as a result, I turned my back on myself.
When I thought I had lost him, I finally felt like I could not lose anything else anymore and told him how I had truly felt all this time.
How I had perceived his actions and how they were affecting me. How I was not accepting inconsistent behaviour anymore. It was a mature conversation in which I communicated my needs in a way, that was true to myself but not attacking him in an immature way.
Interestingly, this was the turning point of our relationship. He decided to give it a shot.
He would still have fear of commitment every now and then, but with every time he would feel more secure and less overwhelmed. With every time, we created more trust between us and formed a deeper bond. Instead of pulling away, we are both choosing to openly communicate our fears and try to find solutions that work for both of us.
What my experiences have told me — there are only a few ways to deal with a partner who acts hot and cold without losing yourself :
- Stop being afraid
- Openly communicate your needs and desires within the relationship — What are you looking for? Casual, long-term, not sure yet? Is your partner willing and able to meet your needs? What are unacceptable behaviours for you within a loving relationship? How can a partner consistently show up for you?
- Stop being afraid
- Stop being afraid
- Leave a situation that does not fulfil your desires without the fear of losing someone you love — If your partner is not willing or able to show up for you in a consistent way or is not sure what he wants, no chasing in this world will solve this issue. It is not your responsibility to make your partner see your worth.
- Stop being afraid
Never lose yourself in the pursuit of any relationship other than the relationship to yourself.
You are you — with or without another person
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Franzi is a fine art land- & seascape photographer, writer and crafty girl who spends most of her time in nature capturing moments or writing about anything swirling around in her imaginative head.
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