THE WAR INSIDE OF ME

Forever Growing

BEING ME

It’s not easy being vexed. Dealing with it day in and out makes it even more difficult. I have battled drug addiction and lost multiple times in my life. My 20’s were a blur. Yet I remember the exact moment that I was transformed. I remember knowing that it was finally over. Being an only child has made me very emotionally withdrawn as well as physically withdrawn. I find love intellectually. I know that this is very difficult for my husband. My husband has been my rock and best friend throughout this journey. I adore him.

My love has become very deep rooted in Spirituality and God. I have been sober for a very long time, 8+ years, and I still hear the devil knocking at my door. He is well aware that I attribute God to my sobriety and to me being alive. This pisses him off. There has always been this internal battle for my soul. I call it Spiritual Warfare. It’s hard to deal with day in and day out, but I’ve learned to cope with it. It’s quite simple actually. God goes right back in the driver’s seat. No second thoughts. No looking back.

Whatever vexes and burdens your heart please find a way to make peace with that burden. Make sure to forgive others as well as forgiving yourself. We remain burdened and resentful because we are holding onto anger. I will let you in on a secret…Anger is just a disguise for pain. For feeling hurt. That in and of itself will destroy you. Forgiving and loving yourself is half the battle.

I feel as if I have lived this same exact life a thousand times over. Sometimes I think I’m just plain delusional. Like I’ve had some kind of psychotic break where I have a connection with Jesus and answers that I shouldn’t have. If you could see the world through my eyes you would understand.

I am a work in progress and always will be. If I ever stop learning spiritually and my spiritual health is declining then it is time for me to be evicted from Earth. I feel this pull on my soul. It tells me that I am here to help people. Wanting to help people means that I have to be honest and get real with my sh*t. It is very easy to look good on paper, but the paper isn’t the truth. The truth is there is both ugliness and beauty inside of me.

My mission right now is to write until the black soot that has contaminated my soul for so long just evaporates out of my being as well as existence. My soul is beautiful. It just needs some polishing. I have hid amidst the wolves for such a huge part of my life that I am ready to shed my clothing. Here I am standing in front of you both naked and vulnerable. The only beauty I see is the Angel statue placed right in front of me.

A woman on Medium inspired me greatly. She said I was “eloquent, but not afraid to be me. I was unafraid to venture into the dark hidden corners of my mind.” I will not feed you a bunch of lies. I know the right answers. It is manipulative. This is the chaos. This is the darkness. The ugliness inside of me resides inside of my mind. “Come on Kira, write what is on your heart.”

SWITCH

My heart sees you Lord. My soul sees the light. I must walk the straight and narrow or I might very well lose this fight. I put my armor of angels around me because you tell me I should. It might be time to go to battle and to go broken would not be good. This is a chance to start over for you. Your rebirth shall come to fruition. Choose the side of righteousness. Please don’t choose the forbidden. No playing games anymore. The end it is approaching. Choose wisely and only words of wisdom will be spoken. Forgive others of their trespasses and we shall pray that they forgive ours. Let’s not throw stones and end in hellfire filled with bars.

I am awesome today! God is ever surrounding! I can feel him radiating through my home…it’s a high that you don’t come down from. My soul takes formation in only light; rids the darkness surrounding. Do not even dip your foot in the devil’s pond for he is one for pouncing. I make my promise to you right now my Lord and Savior Jesus. My will I give over to you and I promise to do only what is just. My time for atonement will come and now I will be ready. Ready to say you always kept my foundation strong even when my heart was heavy.

Kira Dawn Copyright 2020. All Rights Reserved.