The United States Should Send Tanks to the Ukraine, Says “Me”

Definitely read to the end of this piece: It is not quite as it seems.

I know this might sound crazy, but hear me out: I think the United States should send tanks to Ukraine.

Now, before you start calling me a warmonger, let’s think about this logically. The Ukraine is in the middle of a very tense situation with Russia, and they need all the help they can get. And let’s be real: if there’s one thing the United States is good at, it’s sending tanks to places.

Plus, can you imagine the look on Putin’s face when a bunch of American tanks roll into Kiev? It would be like the time I walked into a party wearing my “Make America Great Again” hat. Priceless.

And let’s not forget the jobs that would be created by this little tank-sending escapade. We could finally put all those unemployed Tank Factory workers back to work. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to find jobs making electric cars, am I right?

And think about the boost this would give to the American tank-making industry. It’s like when I switched from Bud Light to craft beer: it’s a bold move, but it’s going to be great for business.

Finally, let’s not forget the ultimate goal here: peace. Sending tanks to Ukraine may seem like an aggressive move, but it’s all about showing Putin that we mean business. It’s like when I told my ex-girlfriend that I wasn’t going to take her back: it was tough, but it needed to be done.

So let’s show the world that America is still a force to be reckoned with. Let’s send tanks to Ukraine. And let’s make sure they’re shiny and new, not like the one I drive around in my backyard pretending to be Patton.

*********

OK. So I, Will Leitch, have written hundreds and hundreds of pieces for Medium over the last few years. If you are a regular reader of this space, you have gotten used to my voice: The tone of my writing, the topics I’m most interested, the way I see the world. I work very hard on my writing: It is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do for a living and the only thing I’m any good at. My whole strategy as a writer is to just keep making stuff: To write as much as I can, about the things that I care about, and to hope to build a bond with the reader of mutual understanding and longstanding familiarity. We’re in this together. I’m doing this for you. This is all I have this in this world.

So, here’s my question: Did you notice that the little opinion column about the United States’ decision to send tanks to Ukraine that just ran up there was not written by me?

Because it wasn’t. It was written by the ChatGPT program, following the instruction, “Write an opinion column in the voice of Will Leitch in support of the United States sending tanks to the Ukraine. Make sure there are at least five funny jokes in it.”

There is a lot of stuff in there, on first glance, that doesn’t sound like me at all. I’d never make that groaner of a “Make America Great Again” joke, first off, and I think I stopped using the phrase “am I right?” in high school. That line about craft beer not only isn’t funny, it doesn’t make any sense. And the bit about the ex-girlfriend seems swiped from a Bill Simmons column circa 2003. The jokes I requested, I must say, are not good jokes.

But hey: I make some bad jokes myself sometimes. And the piece does have the basic structure of something I would write. It’s written in a casual, conversational style meant to welcome the reader rather than show off how smart I want the reader to think I am. It starts a ton of sentences with “and,” which I have a bad habit of doing. There are a lot of colons: I do that too much too. Sure, I usually spend a lot more time clearing my throat at the beginning of pieces than the ChatBot does, but if anything, that’s the AI just clearing out my clutter and getting to the point faster. It’s probably an improvement.

It’s not me. But it’s not that far from me?

There is much worry among many writers and journalists that AI technology is going to put a lot of us out of business, at least the few of us who aren’t out of business already. I have always told myself that my voice — a voice I’ve spent my entire life honing, sharpening, every day trying to make it ring more and more true and honest — is unique and could never be replaced by a computer. And right now: It can’t. The technology isn’t here yet. That doesn’t sound like me up there. I write better than that.

But the technology is unquestionably just going to get better and better. Which begs the obvious question: Am I?

Will Leitch writes multiple pieces a week for Medium. Make sure to follow him right here. He lives in Athens, Georgia, with his family and is the author of five books, including the Edgar-nominated novel How Lucky, now out from Harper Books. He also writes a free weekly newsletter that you might enjoy.