The Underrated Skill to Get What You Want In Life
Few people have it—but you can learn to be one of them.
To reach your dream life, you have to go from “where you are now” to “where you want to go”—so what does it take to bridge that gap?
It takes a very rare trait, but it’s one that will transform everything about how you approach your life:
Proactivity.
“The vast population of this earth, and indeed nations themselves, may readily be divided into three groups. There are the few who make things happen, the many more who watch things happen, and the overwhelming majority who have no notion of what happens. Every human being is born into this third and largest group; it is for himself, his environment and his education to determine whether he shall rise to the second group or even to the first.”
— Nicholas Murray Butler
If you want something in life, you have to make it happen—it won’t happen itself.
Maybe there’s a company you really admire but they’re not hiring right now. Why not just reach out, introduce yourself, and politely and tactfully offer your help?
Good companies, after all, are always looking for good people. And if they don’t have a job opening, sometimes they’ll create a job just to keep you around.
Some people will get mad hearing this. “What?! Just reach out?! How dare you!? You can’t do that!”
What’s the alternative? Sitting and waiting until they come find you? Waiting until the “perfect moment” which never comes?
That’s not how life works.
You see, most people wait until the right opportunity falls on their lap before they take action or initiative—but that approach is backward.
It’s far better to take action and initiative first, and then the universe will reward your efforts and give you more opportunities.
The same goes for starting a business, writing a blog, losing weight, and a lot more. For example, if you want to move to a new city, you can wonder about it all you want—meanwhile, someone has already packed their bags and left.
And that person is living their life while you’re thinking your life.
To get whatever you want in life, it’s best to take action without all the steps figured out—and that takes serious proactivity.
Why Few People Are Truly Proactive
First, it takes hard work. You can’t just sit on your ass and wait for life to happen. You have to do research. You have to think. You have to create ideas. You have to take action on those ideas. While everyone's telling you to keep your head down, you have to block out the noise and move forward.
Second, it requires you to be comfortable with ambiguity.
You see, many people can only do things when some authority figure gives them clear steps (ex. do step 1, then step 2, then step 3, etc.), hard deadlines, and hard consequences (ex. if you don’t do it, you’re fired).
But being proactive usually happens without deadlines or checkpoints. No one’s telling you what to do or how to do it—hell, no one’s even asking you to do it—so you must push yourself to a timely finish.
Third, it involves (a lot of) failure. You might try something and it doesn’t work. Many people will not respond to your ideas. Many people won’t respond at all.
In fact, many people actually dislike proactive people because they view them as a threat to their position, seniority, control, etc.!
They see a go-getter who’s been in the company for 1/10th of the time they have and who’s rising the ranks far faster… and they get jealous and try anything to hold them back.
Instead, they find it easier to go with the flow and let things happen—but then they wonder why they’re not achieving the things they want.
How Proactivity Can Transform Your Life
Here’s an example from my life: In two years, I went from “never writing for anyone, anywhere” to writing for top magazines.
Sure, I started out with absolutely no experience…
…but I was proactive.
I was always coming up with ideas. I was always taking initiative. I was always reaching out to people. I was always asking for more. I was always offering to help. I was always doing things without them asking me to do them!
Being proactive unlocks a lot of opportunities that you would never find out about it if you didn’t take a shot.
But how does this differ from what many other people do?
- Many just do the minimum amount possible to avoid getting fired.
- Many say it would be nice to write for magazines (or whatever their goals are), but then they don't do a single thing about it.
- Many wait around for other people to give them things.
But if there's one thing I learned in life, it’s this: If you're waiting on other people, you'll be waiting a long-ass time.
Remember: Most people are not proactive. So if you want something, you have to go make it happen yourself. Yes, success requires help from other people, but it's your responsibility to seek their help, not their responsibility to read your mind (somehow) and ask if they can help you.
For example, let’s say you want to improve your dating life: You can't just sit at home, do nothing, and then complain about how hard it is.
You have to go outside. You have to join events. You have to open your social circle. You have to try different channels whether online, in-person, etc.
Sure, it won’t “guarantee” you’ll meet the right person, but by being proactive, you’ll at least improve your odds.
To use an analogy from Steve Jobs, you'll lay out a lot of dots that, hopefully, when you look back, will connect.
The great thing is that living proactively transforms how you feel about yourself and life.
Rather than seeing yourself as a leaf being blown in the wind, you see yourself as a pioneer and risk-taker.
Rather than seeing life as a black box where other people hold the keys, you realize that you hold the keys and can open whatever door you want.
For example, years ago, there was an event at a five-star hotel in Manhattan. Rather than paying the nightly rate, I just emailed them and asked if they were willing to exchange a few free nights for some press coverage (that I would just figure out how to create later).
They were open to the idea, but it ended up not happening because it was too short-notice.
But at least I tried. At least I made the effort. At least I lived congruently with how I wanted to live. At least I found the answer instead of never knowing.
Because, to me, I would much rather have someone tell me “no” than guess.
How to Be Proactive
Start living life on offense, not defense.
Learn to move things forward.
Rather than asking “if” you can come up with ideas, tell them that you already have ideas and you want to set up a time in the calendar to discuss them. (Obviously, you want to do this in a respectful way so that your initiative is appreciated and so that you don’t seem brash.) Then, when you meet, you can tell them your ideas and tell them the next steps to move forward.
Forward progress is success.
Proactivity also goes just beyond the workplace. It even helps your friendships, relationships, dating life, and more. (Remember: How you do one this is how you do everything.)
For example, let’s take a look at a common situation—setting up a dinner with a friend, date, colleague, etc.—and see how it plays out:
Person 1: When are you free this week? Person 2: Hmm, I dunno. Maybe Thursday? Or Friday? Person 1: Okay, how’s Friday at 8pm? Person 2: Oh, actually, Friday doesn’t work. Person 1: Oookay… how about next week? Person 2: Sure. Person 1: How’s Tuesday or Wednesday night? Person 2: Oh, those days don’t work. Person 1: [Hits head on wall]
Person 1 is trying to set something up, but Person 2 lacks proactivity or gumption. (If I had a dollar every time this happened to me, I could buy and sell Elon Musk in my sleep.)
You might say, “Maybe Person 2 isn’t interested.” That's possible—but it still shows that Person 2 lacks proactivity because they could simply be proactive, say they’re not interested, and politely end this futile discussion.
When people lack proactivity, however, their life becomes haphazard. The smallest tasks become significantly harder and more time-consuming. They’re being reactive — not proactive — and unplanned things always seem to happen and throw everything off.
There’s a “chaos” to their life because they don’t even know what’s happening from day-to-day or week-to-week.
But in my experience, when I talk to people who are truly proactive—forward-thinking business owners, executives, entrepreneurs, driven men and women, etc.—the conversation is completely and utterly different.
Person 1: When are you free this week? Person 3: How’s Thursday or Friday? Person 1: How’s Friday at 8pm? Person 3: How about 9pm? Person 1: Sure. Person 3: Great, see you then.
It’s easy. It’s straightforward. It’s moving forward.
You can think of “proactivity” as synonymous with qualities like “decisiveness,” “initiative,” “leadership,” or “stewardship.” It's about thinking a few steps ahead, saving everyone a lot of unnecessary steps, and being brave enough to sit in the driver’s seat and push the throttle.
If you're ready, start today. The best part about proactivity is that there is no barrier: It doesn't matter how you've behaved in the past; you can change at any moment.
In the beginning, I recommend you start small. Ask a coworker to lunch and learn from them. Create two ideas and offer them to your manager. Find a job listing and, instead of filling an online form, add your potential boss on LinkedIn and send a message.
If you're reading a book that you love, don't just write an online review; email the author directly and tell them you like it.
It’s simple, but it’s extremely rare—and you’ll stand out in a great way.
Once you start, you'll enjoy all the rewards that result.
And your life will never be the same.
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