The Uncomfortable Present Moments of Facing Fears and Letting Go

Embracing the unknown outside the comfort zone

Someone lied to me!

Living in the present moment was supposed to bring me peace, serenity, and a life filled with joy. A life of sweetness as I stopped to smell the roses along my path. But, I forgot those same roses have a few thorns.

Growing up, the word Don’t, was the constant I.V. drip of fear that ran through my veins. I relied on Do NOT as my suit of armor, but I didn't use it for protection. It was the cage that locked my spirit inside for no one to know or see.

Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal. Don’t feel. Don’t let them know. — lyrics from Let it Go from the movie Frozen

Fear of the Unknown

For several years now, I’ve actively pursued the goal of mastering my mindset by engaging in a mindful lifestyle. I had a lot of years to unwrap.

Like many from my generation, growing up was not anything like it is today. Mental health, trauma, abuse, women and children having voices, all were things kept quiet behind closed doors.

That home lifestyle forced us children to mature too quickly and often assume parental roles before reaching our teens. The heavy hands of discipline punished us, while strict rules commanded compliance.

We could not speak until spoken to, express our own opinions, or cause any type of embarrassment for the neighbors to think about.

Those core years produced a lot of over-responsible, anxious, and fear-filled women. My oldest daughter posted something the other day on Facebook that had so much truth in it and made me take a real deep look at what I possibly still teach my daughters and why.

“Growing up I never saw a relaxed woman. Successful-yes; Productive-plenty; Anxious, afraid, apologetic-heaps of them; But relaxed women? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax and rest -without guilt, apology, or feeling they need to earn it?” — excerpt of quote by Nicola Jane Hobbs -Mind Journal

I can’t speak for all the women, but I know for me, I grew up fearing the unknown. Life was so unpredictable I never knew what was waiting for me when I came home from school or when Dad walked through the front door.

I never wanted to test the waters of what would happen if I spoke up, talked about my own thoughts, formed my own opinions, or even said NO. It created a life of striving for unobtainable perfection because I couldn’t achieve it. As soon as I got close, the rules changed.

So I tried harder.

I came up with Plan A, B, C, and combinations trying to prepare for the multitude of scenarios that may play out. Relax — never. I had to be on constant guard for every scenario if I didn’t stay one step ahead.

It forced the dreamer in me to struggle all the time, as I was being raised to have a fixed mindset that I had absolutely no control or choice over. It was always my fault, yet the teeny, tiny voice deep inside kept whispering, “Don’t give up.”

Fear of the unknown refers to the anxiety produced by uncertainty or unpredictability. Yep! That’s how I grew up.

I often wondered why I was constantly searching for answers. The Jackie-of-all-trades, expert in none label I give myself, perhaps grew out of attempts to relieve the anxiety of uncertainty. It could also explain why I would freeze when attempting to decide my next step.

It wasn’t a lack of motivation nor a fear of success or failure, but the uncertainty or unpredictability of leaving the comfort zone of security and safety I’ve created and know.

But we don’t know what we don’t know!

Windows to the Soul

In my teen years, I spent most of my free time drawing. It was my escape. My favorite thing to draw were eyes. I spent hours trying to perfect reflections and depth, telling myself they were windows to the character's soul.

Perhaps it was my way of self-reflection and soul-searching.

My school portfolio held hundreds of people’s faces. But, I would not call myself an artist. My doubt and need for perfection would not allow it. Plus, I had a secret that fed an imposter syndrome until recently.

During Christmas break, my nephew, my brother, and I were in a conversation about a project my nephew was doing at school. He has to do a presentation about aphantasia. I listened intently and then blurted out, “I have that!”

My brother turned quickly and said, “How could you? You’ve been an artist all your life!” He then turned to my nephew and said, “Maybe it’s genetic.”

People also refer to aphantasia as a blind mind's eye. It means you don’t have a visual imagination. You cannot picture things in your mind. It is not a disability or mental disorder, you just don’t see an image.

For example, if I close my eyes and someone says to picture an apple, I can tell you what it looks like from memory, but all I see with my eyes closed is darkness.

After our conversation, I did my research and found that a few of the top animators for Disney and Pixar have aphantasia. They said that having aphantasia actually helps with their imagination because they don't have a preconceived vision for what they are creating. It just flows.

WOW.

That shed light on about forty-five years of doubt. All the years I struggled with the term artist because I couldn’t “see” the ideas I had in my head.

Empowering the Mind and Muse

Looking back today, I’m in awe of where my intuition continues to lead me. I am on the correct path for myself. When I relax, the answers come.

If I stay in the present moment, no matter how uncomfortable, my comfort zone will expand because doors will open and windows will become clearer.

When I started my mindfulness journey, I gave myself the name “Miz Mindful” with the vision to empower the mind and muse. Little did I know then the journey it would take me on.

If you believe, like I do, that eyes are the windows to the soul, then ask yourself, how deeply do you look with your own eyes? The stuff you see stirring up emotions inside is the gift of present moments. Our reactions come from our awareness (or lack thereof) and our self-talk comes from our judgments.

After several years of practice, I now understand why present moments are sandwiched between awareness and non-judgment. You can have all the awareness of your past, but if you are still judging it, as good or bad, you stay frozen in time, the self-talk doesn’t change, and there is no growth in your mindset.

It’s time to see what I can do, To test the limits and break through No right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free. — lyrics from Let it Go from the movie Frozen.

What can you do today to break free, relax, face your fears, and let them go?

Top Juggler of part-time passions as Miz Mindful — artist, writer, Mindset Coach, Solopreneur, Canva Designer, Certified Moonologer, Owner of Mindful Expressions, and Etsy Shops Coffee, Tea or Hippie, and Miz Mindful Designs — but you can call me jules!