The Unapologetic Guide to Being a Selfish Bastard

How Embracing Your Inner Asshole Can Actually Make You a Better Person

Look, you’ve probably been told your entire life that being selfish is akin to being the spawn of Satan. From the time you were a kid, sharing your toys and candy was crammed down your throat like a moral smoothie made from a blend of etiquette, guilt, and social norms.

But let’s cut the bullshit. There’s a glorious upside to being a selfish bastard, one that doesn’t involve burning in hell for eternity.

The Art of Saying No

Let’s start with this bad boy: saying “no.” Have you tried it? It’s almost orgasmic. The moment you utter it, it’s like freeing yourself from invisible shackles you didn’t even know you were wearing.

Now, don’t go around saying “no” to saving drowning puppies; there’s a line. But if someone’s dumping work on you at 4:55 PM on a Friday, feel free to whip out the “N-O” like a kung-fu master unveiling his secret move.

FOMO is Your Bitch, Not Your Master

Hey, FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) can eat a bag of nails. You don’t have to attend every damn social event or reply to every single group text. Embrace JOMO: the Joy of Missing Out. It’s not sad — it’s liberating. You save time, energy, and battery life. All precious commodities in this hellscape are called life.

Self-Care Isn’t Just Bath Bombs and Face Masks

Listen, slap as many avocado masks on your mug as you want, but don’t forget the rugged, edgier aspects of self-care. I’m talking about laying down boundaries, escaping toxic relationships, and telling your clingy friend Chad to go eat a donut by himself for once.

Invest in yourself, like a Wall Street bro in the latest get-rich-quick scheme — except you’re not screwing anyone over, just making life better for numero uno.

Quit the Martyr Act

No one cares. Really. Nobody gives a flying fuck if you’re killing yourself with overtime or bending over backward to please everyone. You’re not a hero; you’re a doormat with a superiority complex.

Being selfish in doling out your time and resources isn’t a vice; it’s emotional economics, baby. You can’t pour from an empty cup unless you’re into that kind of kinky, existential dread stuff.

Use Your Powers for Good

Here’s the twist: being a selfish bastard isn’t all about you. Gasp! When you’re happier, you radiate that shit like a human glow stick at a rave. People pick up on it. Your relationships improve because you’re not a resentful zombie mumbling passive-aggressive incantations.

And when you do decide to help someone, it comes from a place of genuine desire, not obligation, making you a voluntary Good Samaritan, not a court-ordered one.

So go ahead, be a selfish bastard. Own it like you own that embarrassing playlist of 90s boy bands. It’s not a character flaw; it’s a life strategy. Cheers to you and your audacious, unapologetic self. 🥂