Musical Humor

The Ultimate Valentine’s Day Playlist

I want to spend the rest of my life offending you ❤

It’s the most romantic time of the year, and that can only mean one thing…a naked baby trying to shoot you with an arrow. (You may also see this if you’re on LSD).

To celebrate Valentine’s Day 2023, I have compiled a selection of sexy songs to celebrate healthy relationships between humans and animals alike.

“But Adam, why are you going to all this trouble just for me and my relationship?”

Because.

So, what are you waiting for? Get this playlist on at home and save that marriage!

Coming up are ten tunes to celebrate your lovely love this Valentine’s Day.

Hold onto your roses! Here we go!!

(Adam’s Valentine’s Day playlists have saved over one marriage in the last ten years).

10. John Martyn — Over The Hill

Let that special someone know that you still love them despite their grey hairs and forgetful memory.

Aging doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

They might not be the spring chicken they used to be.

They might be tripping over their boobs when they walk.

That doesn’t mean there still isn’t life in the old dog.

John Martyn’s brilliant “Over The Hill” will subtly let your other half know that you are okay with their deterioration. Most of the time, they’ll appreciate the sentiment.

What could be better on Valentine’s Day than planning your future retirement home together?

9. The Rolling Stones — (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

Communication is so important in any healthy relationship.

But with the good, the bad must follow.

Has your partner been snoring like a chainsaw again?

Did they forget to put the bins out?

Did they say your chicken casserole tasted like horse manure?

The Rolling Stones are here to channel your frustrations into healthy musical beats.

Your spouse will be overjoyed at your willingness to be honest with them.

Once they’re over the fact that there’s no satisfaction in your relationship, that’s when the romance can start!

8. Mötley Crüe — Shout At The Devil

Sometimes voices need to be raised when you feel like you’re not being heard, especially on Cupid Day.

It’s supposed to be a romantic day, so if your spouse is having a go at you for having 9 pints down the boozer with Phil from work, you need to fight your corner.

Your lover could seem very intimidating and take the form of the devil in these circumstances.

Try not to be alarmed and follow these tips to defuse the situation:

• Don’t stare at their boobs (male or female)
• Be prepared to run at any given moment.
• Nod your head repeatedly, so it seems like you’re listening.

If that doesn’t work, get out of that relationship, bro.

There’s always Phil at the pub.

7. AC/DC — What Do You Do For Money Honey

Powerhouses of rock AC/DC are here for you with a subtle song about your spouse’s employment status.

Let them know that you care about their career ambitions while secretly checking if they’re a prostitute or not. It’s more of a third-date question, granted, but if you haven’t asked yet, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

Watch on in delight as your partner tells you about what they do for a living as you think to yourself:

“I should probably know what they do for work; we’ve been together five years…”

6. Shakira — She Wolf

Does your wife always howl at you when you forget about your weekend plans?

Or when you forget to do the dishes?

Does she run about in the garden when it’s a full moon?

Is she also quite hairy?

Yep, you’ve got a She Wolf on your hands.

On this most romantic of days, let them know that when they howl, it makes you feel like a young whippersnapper again.

A She Wolf is the rarest of creatures. Hang onto them if you have one.

So get a bit of Shakira on and howl the night away.

5. Led Zepplin — Ramble On

“Oh my God, I told you this weeks ago!!”

Sound familiar?

Does your lovely romantic partner go on for bloody ages and then say something random two weeks later? But apparently, they already told you this?

On Cupid’s happy arrow day, show them that they never stop talking.

While they’re chatting away, telling you about how Kathy in Legal is shagging the boss, get a bit of Led Zepplin on the speakers and rock out!

People love being told that they talk too much — especially if they’re informed via a crazy cool rock band.

4. Drake — Doing It Wrong

Whether it’s loading the dishwasher or making beautiful love to your spouse — now’s the time to explain that you’ve probably been doing it wrong.

It takes a big person to say that they’ve been putting it in your ear by accident to procreate. Luckily for you, Drake is here to point out that big elephant in the room.

Also — don’t call your partner a “Big Elephant” — this will only worsen things.

We’re all human; we all get things wrong.

But seriously, stay away from the ears.

3. Reel 2 Real, The Mad Stuntmen — I Like To Move It (Erick “More” Club Mix)

Does the light of your life wait until you know where your socks are and then move them to another clothes drawer?

Do you remain sockless, rooting around the house trying to find them until you ask, and they’re all like:

“Oh yeah, I moved them.”

Thanks for telling me! My psychic powers must be down this week!

Never fear, though — on Cupid’s big day, you can remind them that they always move your stuff so you can’t find it.

This can also be used during sexy time but make sure you’ve warmed up because it’s quite a high BPM (Bumps per minute)

2. Simply Red — Something Got Me Started

Has your other half ever been miffed at you, and you have no idea why?

Did they randomly scream and throw all your clothes out the window because you said you didn’t really fancy chicken tonight?

Something definitely got them started — and it’s up to you to figure out what you did!

When you ask the fateful question of — “What’s wrong?” — the following answers from your partner may include:

• “Nothing’s wrong; I’m fine.”
• “You know what you did.”
• “Deafening Silence”

I think it’s time to crack open a bottle of bubbly and reminisce with your lovely lover about how you constantly irritate each other and have no idea why…

Awwwwwwww ❤

1. Soft Cell — Tainted Love

The sexy day of Cupid is the perfect occasion to inform your sidekick about how tainted your love is.

They will be overwhelmed with joy when Softcell explains how you guys still stick it out despite the relationship being on the rocks.

Kick back and enjoy some lovey-dovey time listening to the keyboard-infused sounds of mediocrity.

Who needs chocolates and flowers? When you have a playlist like this!

If you have a partner with a pollen allergy accompanied by diabetes — it’s best to stay away from the roses and sweet treats too.

A Happy Ending

Get that speaker charged and that blow-up girlfriend inflated — it’s time for Valentine’s Day 2023!!!

You’re sure in for a swell time if you get these classic tunes on the go!

No person can resist beautiful music, and your partner will be weak at the knees from it! — especially if you undercooked the romantic meal.

Happy romancing, and please remember…

“Oh damn, what was I going to say?”

Thanks, fellow lovers ❤

Read this stuff below if you read that.

Please.

Pretty,

Pwetty,

Please.

With a cherry on top.

Plz.