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2063

Abstract

are not the same. You can give up any and all efforts to exact revenge against someone, but you still need to hold people accountable and set appropriate boundaries.</li><li>Love and Agreement are not the same. You can love someone and not agree with them.</li><li>Love and Approval are not the same. You can love someone and yet disapprove of their actions, choices, or beliefs.</li><li>Love does not require Pacifism. I do believe that non-violence should be the default position for every single person. You should never engage in violence to get revenge, make a point, advance an agenda, steal, exploit, oppress, or anything along those lines. But defending yourself, your loved ones or your country are different matters. In some cases, violence is forced upon us.</li><li>Love does not obligate you to Friendship. We should love everyone, but we can’t be close friends with everyone.</li></ul>With the above caveats in mind, we should choose to love one another and treat one another with kindness. I believe this to the very core of my being, and it affects how I treat people.<figure id="0684"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*hAq0vF2VtLftvNpJ"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@ange_ange?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">A A</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>You might say that this commitment to being loving and nice is naive. And you’d be partly right. It can be very naive. And it does make the nice person vulnerable to being hurt or taken advantage of.But I will hold up the ethic of being nice against the alternative any day of the week and (as they say) twice on Sunday.The world would be immeasurably better off if everyone chose to be nice.That is an irrefutable fact.Of course, I can’t control other people, but I can manage how

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I behave. And therefore, I’m choosing to be nice.And even though I stand by that choice and conviction, I must confess to you that sometimes — quite often, actually — being nice hurts. Sometimes, it downright sucks.Some people will not appreciate your being nice. This has been a hard, painful lesson for me.There have been people in my life who have taken advantage of my niceness and have shown little-to-no gratitude for it. That hurts. And it’s frustrating.There have been some who latch onto my niceness, drain my energy dry, and yet keep coming back for more — and then don’t understand that I need time to refresh and get my energy back.There have been some who respond to my kindness with dishonesty or manipulation.There have been others who, despite my being consistently kind and gracious to them, have “rewarded” that by trashing me behind my back to others.I could go on. The point is, I know what it’s like to be hurt — sometimes deeply — by people who I’ve been nothing but kind and gracious toward.It’s understandable that some people, after being hurt so many times, abandon the whole “nice guy” thing and choose to approach life with cynicism and a hard heart.This may be understandable and it may be tempting, but it’s not the way to go. It’s not what the world needs. And ultimately, it won’t help you.If you let other people determine the kind of person you are, then you are letting other people control your life. That’s not strength; it’s weakness.I choose to be nice even though there are ungrateful, self-centered, messed-up people out there who will periodically hurt me and take advantage of me.Why?Because they don’t get to choose the kind of person I am.I’m a nice guy.That’s what I am and, by the grace of God, that’s what I’ll always be.</article></body>

The Ugly Cost of Being Nice

Take it from a nice guy: When you’re nice, you get hurt

“You’re too nice.” It’s something I’ve been accused of numerous times. And I have to admit it. I’m guilty. I’m a nice guy.

And sometimes, being nice sucks.

There’s no other way to put it.

Well, there is, but I want to keep this article…nice.

Being a nice guy means that you get hurt. A lot.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not perfect. I have my faults. Plenty of them. So, when I refer to myself as a “nice guy,” I’m not suggesting that I have never been un-nice.

Is “un-nice” a word?

And I just did a double-negative, didn’t I?

The point is, there have been times when I’ve gotten overly defensive, let my temper get the best of me, and have been unkind. Not many, but such times have happened.

Still, for the most part, I default to “nice” in my treatment of people. And I do so fairly consistently.

I take Jesus seriously when he said:

Love your neighbor as yourself

I believe we should all love and care about (and for) one another.

We should be kind to one another. We should give each other the benefit of the doubt. We should be polite, respectful, and sensitive to each other. And we should be forgiving of one another.

In saying that, let me lay out some important caveats:

Love and Trust are not the same. You have to love some people at a distance.
Trust and Forgiveness are not the same. You can give up any and all efforts to exact revenge against someone, but you still need to hold people accountable and set appropriate boundaries.
Love and Agreement are not the same. You can love someone and not agree with them.
Love and Approval are not the same. You can love someone and yet disapprove of their actions, choices, or beliefs.
Love does not require Pacifism. I do believe that non-violence should be the default position for every single person. You should never engage in violence to get revenge, make a point, advance an agenda, steal, exploit, oppress, or anything along those lines. But defending yourself, your loved ones or your country are different matters. In some cases, violence is forced upon us.
Love does not obligate you to Friendship. We should love everyone, but we can’t be close friends with everyone.

With the above caveats in mind, we should choose to love one another and treat one another with kindness. I believe this to the very core of my being, and it affects how I treat people.

You might say that this commitment to being loving and nice is naive. And you’d be partly right. It can be very naive. And it does make the nice person vulnerable to being hurt or taken advantage of.

But I will hold up the ethic of being nice against the alternative any day of the week and (as they say) twice on Sunday.

The world would be immeasurably better off if everyone chose to be nice.

That is an irrefutable fact.

Of course, I can’t control other people, but I can manage how I behave. And therefore, I’m choosing to be nice.

And even though I stand by that choice and conviction, I must confess to you that sometimes — quite often, actually — being nice hurts. Sometimes, it downright sucks.

Some people will not appreciate your being nice. This has been a hard, painful lesson for me.

There have been people in my life who have taken advantage of my niceness and have shown little-to-no gratitude for it. That hurts. And it’s frustrating.

There have been some who latch onto my niceness, drain my energy dry, and yet keep coming back for more — and then don’t understand that I need time to refresh and get my energy back.

There have been some who respond to my kindness with dishonesty or manipulation.

There have been others who, despite my being consistently kind and gracious to them, have “rewarded” that by trashing me behind my back to others.

I could go on. The point is, I know what it’s like to be hurt — sometimes deeply — by people who I’ve been nothing but kind and gracious toward.

It’s understandable that some people, after being hurt so many times, abandon the whole “nice guy” thing and choose to approach life with cynicism and a hard heart.

This may be understandable and it may be tempting, but it’s not the way to go. It’s not what the world needs. And ultimately, it won’t help you.

If you let other people determine the kind of person you are, then you are letting other people control your life. That’s not strength; it’s weakness.

I choose to be nice even though there are ungrateful, self-centered, messed-up people out there who will periodically hurt me and take advantage of me.

Why?

Because they don’t get to choose the kind of person I am.

I’m a nice guy.

That’s what I am and, by the grace of God, that’s what I’ll always be.