The Two Greatest Teachers-Grief and Age

Working at a Funeral Home in various capacities brings me into contact with so many interesting situations about how families are coping with GRIEF. The very heart of my work is helping our families deal with Grief. I am constantly intrigued by how Grief is handled by individuals and families, and what those examples have to teach me about living. And of course, many of those instances also include lessons on Ageing.

Being a larger company, we have staff that tends to “come and go”. One recent new hire, as a new Certified Celebrant, is just a wonderful addition to our Grief Resources Program. Cindi has a background in Theology and Divinity studies. I mention her because I know that we have an opportunity for many more discussions in the future on our belief structures, and I am looking forward to that and the thought challenges it will bring, and what her work in grief and age-related issues has taught her. We often already compare notes on both topics. I know she will be helpful in my own journey of “What’s next”, after this life. She and I are of similar age.

One unique situation for Cindi and her husband is that they are the long-term caretakers for her 90-year-old mother. At 90, her mother is in need of a pacemaker, and by gosh, she is excited about doing that! She has said, “I’m not afraid to die, but I’m just not ready yet”. So, that has been scheduled for about a month from now. Age has taught her acceptance of the changes her years have presented to her.

The thought that occurred to me as I was listening to Cindi talk about this is “what a wonderful attitude at 90.” Her mother is actively making a choice to seek more quality time and experiences in this life when most would be shrinking from an invasive surgery such as this, although I know the technology now is good. AGE has taught this dear woman that the only defeat is in giving up. She has learned to adapt, retool, and keep moving!

Having the ability to accept change is the key here. One important lesson life has taught me through aging and certainly has taught her is to be open to change, because change is a constant in our lives. Every day brings changes of all kinds. Changes to health. Changes to our work environment. Changes to home and vehicles. Changes to relationships and how they are functioning. Adaptations have to be made constantly, and decisions on how this will then change other parts of our lives. We can agonize over the changes or make adaptations to the challenges presented to us.

In my daily work as an AfterCare Grief Resources contact, I talk to new widows and widowers of all ages. I talk to mothers or fathers who have lost a child, even if that child was an adult. Sadly, I often talk to the parents of someone who has chosen suicide as their solution to change. All they have really chosen to change is who will now shoulder the pain they are leaving for those who loved them. No problems are solved; in my opinion, rather many new ones are created. These changes demand adaptation to the new normal.

The changes in my own life have been profound over the past 69 years of aging. Rural farm kid to urban latchkey kid. Happy, excited childhood to one of pain and confusion through abuse. Student lagging behind at the beginning of my school years to leading the class as high school concluded. College student to working world. Straight marriage to Gay marriage. No children to father of three. An active career in education to semi-retirement in Grief work. Churchgoer to Agnostic to Buddhist. And changes in friends and relationships over time.

One of the hardest lessons of aging is finding that friendships and relationships often come with a “shelf life”, and when that is over, “things change.”

Each stage of my life has brought challenges and changes. Perhaps the changes bring challenges, but the important part has been the ability to adapt. The ability to change attitudes, beliefs, and thought patterns to new ways of looking at the world. I often tell my co-worker that he is a gift at the twilight of my career that I never expected and probably didn’t deserve, but I’m so glad that changes in his life landed him in my workplace.

Grief in my life has certainly taught me much, and at the same time brought changes. Grief comes in all forms. You may grieve the loss of a family member. You may grieve the loss of a career. You can grieve the loss of a relationship or a friendship that you counted on. Grief also changes over time. Grief changes as we age, as well. And each time Grief brings lessons about lost opportunities and future opportunities.

I grieved the loss of my great grandma. My first and biggest loss was when she passed when I was in college. I also grieved the loss of my marriage, at the same time recognizing it was for the best. I grieved the loss of my children as they grew away from me into adulthood. I grieve the loss of my own youth as the years advance me, my perception sharpened daily by my Cemetery workplace. I grieved these things. I accepted the changes and moved along.

Age teaches us lessons of patience. Age teaches us acceptance and tolerance. Age teaches us to temper our reactions and our demands and makes us step back and see the larger picture. Age sharpens our perceptions of situations and increases our ability to laugh at ourselves.

Age has brought me gifts and taken things from me. Grief has also done the same. Age is relentless and yet forgiving in some ways. Age and Grief are inevitable. Succumbing to Age or Grief is not. The balance is awareness and acceptance of the changes.

I believe our two greatest teachers in life are Grief and Age.