PETS

The Truth About My Two Cats — They’re in Charge

Big Foot and Fat Ass rule the roost, and they know it

Let me begin by saying I love my cats. I can’t imagine life without them. With that out of the way, I’ll add this: they can be complete pains in my ass.

I don’t spoil my cats. They’re cats, not kids. They’re adopted, and I give them the best home I can. At least, I hope so. I have healthcare plans for both of them. That’s $1,200 a year and comes with a preventive health checkup annually. We (my daughter and I) buy them toys, which Tabs (AKA Fat Ass) loves and Oreo (AKA Big Foot) ignores.

They’re fed well, of course. Too well. We had to change Tabs’ diet to wet food to cut out the carbs, which caused her significant weight gain. She was up to 14 pounds. With the change in diet, she’s dropped three pounds.

Of course, it didn’t help that we just poured food in the bowl, allowing her access 24 hours a day. That also stopped, which was difficult for her. We took away a constant food source. Now she (and Oreo) are fed twice daily and no more than three ounces. We can give them treats, but that happens once daily, and I count out the treats.

After we cut off Tab’s access, she started stealing Oreo’s food, so I had to feed them separately. Tabs eats in the kitchen, and Oreo has a bowl in my bedroom. If I happen to use the bathroom, Tabs will scurry out of my room when I come out. I also have to put Oreo’s bowl on my nightstand to keep Tabs out of it.

Not long ago, I bought them a cat condo. Oreo ignores it, but Tabs uses it often, so it’s not a total loss. Tabs uses the scratching post daily. Oreo uses the door jam to my daughter’s room daily.

Speaking of Oreo, he has litterbox envy. Thankfully, he’ll use it to urinate, but pooping in it is out of the question. He will usually drop his deuces on the mat in front of the litterbox. But when he’s not feeling it, watch where you step. I’m glad his stools are always solid.

Not long after typing the paragraph above, he left me a gift — in front of the fridge. I debated taking a picture, but you’ll have to settle for this. 💩

Yesterday, I started my robot vacuum to clean the carpets. I put a step stool on the couch to get it off the floor for a few minutes. I made the mistake of disturbing Tabs’ space on the sofa. We have a couch cover, which I washed the other day. Naturally, Tabs decided that was the most comfortable place to lay.

Here’s the result.

My daughter and I know who runs the show here. As noted above, Oreo and Tabs are fed twice a day, plus a snack. And when they’re hungry, especially Tabs, they will stare at you. Tabs would eyeball me for an hour if I let her. I usually tell her to bug off after a few minutes.

But she comes back, always. 💩

For a 13-year-old cat, Tabs is still very playful. Bigfoot wants nothing to do with toys or playing. He’s a special needs cat and suffers from seizures. Fortunately, the medication we give him works well.

Hell. I have to go. The cats want dinner.

Thanks for reading.