The True Alchemy to Ever Lasting Relationships? It’s Easier than You Think

The formula to overcome obstacles for any couple starts with a chat.

An interesting conversation

I was only 18 years old and I remember walking to the grocery store with this older friend of mine who had recently gotten married. She had been in a relationship with the same person for longer than 8 years and they eventually decided to make it happen and get married. Their relationship wasn’t weakened by the time though, in fact they were happier than ever.

And at that time I was also in my very first relationship, despite being very young. I remember feeling crazy in love with my young girlfriend, yet with so many questions I wanted answers to. Mainly, I really wanted to know what were the key elements that could make a relationship endure for as long as my friend’s.

“What’s the most important piece of advice you could give to someone for their relationship to passionately last for as long as yours?” I asked.

“You’re 18 years old. I can’t tell for yourself what it could be. What worked for me might not work for you. But don’t worry, if you’re already asking yourself this question, sooner or later life will have you figure that out.”

“Oh come on, don’t be boring!” I insisted.

“Well, what you see me and my husband share now is the end-product of many setbacks, mistakes and rough times. Yet a true relationship becomes real when you manage to sustain these hardships and hold on to the main pillars of the rapport, regardless of what you’re going through.”

“And how did you do that?”

“Talk. Talk a lot. If you want you relationship to last for 5,6 or 10 or 50 years you must learn how to talk about what’s going on. Talk when it hurts, when it’s boring, when you don’t want to. When your pride tells you otherwise or when your life circumstances might make you think that you don’t need to talk, that your partner ‘should understand’.

I guarantee you that when you’re blinded by hurt, you can’t even understand what’s going on yourself. How can someone else assume what’s right or not?

In all those scenarios you have to talk it out with your partner. Communicate and express your feelings, thoughts, doubts, fears and so on. Communication is the only way to either having a real relationship, or to find out that the person on the other side is not supposed to stick with you. But the only way to find out is to talk.”

I didn’t reply. I kept on walking with my face looking down as I revisited her words.

As of today, that remains the best piece of advice I ever received about relationships that I will never forget.

Communication bridges any gap

Think about it: when and how do problems arise within a relationship?

It’s either because of a total lack of communication, or a miscommunication about something that is having an impact on someone within the rapport.

In situations like these — where there is a total lack of communication or something gets delivered in the wrong way (maybe in a hurtful, resentful or angry way) — we tend to lose clarity.

This way by trying to fix the issue through communicating in a non-effective way, we only go to empower the problem itself instead of trying to find a solution to it.

What happens then?

By losing clarity we also fail to understand that it’s in the moments we are angry, hurt and blinded the most that true communication plays a vital role.

Think of communication as the act of building a bridge between two lands who are in conflict with one another.

If the two populations of these lands don’t respectively make the effort of working their way towards the other end, a bridge will never be built.

In order to build it, they must forget about what divides them, and focus and what unites them. If they don’t do it this way, they might end up either building a very fragile bridge that will soon crumble again, or else they will be forced to remain in their own territory forever, without experiencing the bliss of true union.

What’s not rightly communicated will turn into poison

Real communication means being able to put aside whatever is negatively impacting the circumstances as well as the toxic emotions that are affecting us, in order to talk about the ongoing hindrance to first share our own perspective along with better understanding our partner’s.

That’s why sometimes it’s much wiser, when taken over by intense emotions, to avoid talking straight away in order to let some steam off first and regain clarity by prioritising finding a solution more than highlighting the problem.

I can hear you say “easier said than done buddy” right?

True, I’ve been there myself too. But that’s how greatness is achieved. In relationships as well as in any other situation.

By doing the hardest but rightest thing over the easiest but wrongest.

This is the reason why most people fail in relationship, because in tough times they don’t manage to handle their own emotions in the first place, and they let the negativity of their own state flood the rapport and intoxicate and poison everything else.You should always remember that in a relationship what’s not communicated, it’s hidden. What’s hidden creates assumptions. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings eventually create conflict.

Emotions trigger similar emotions

“The state of your emotions is equal to the state of your relationship.”

Tony Robbins

How true is that?

How many times have we found ourselves in a tough spot in life, feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed and so on for something that didn’t go as planned and we’ve let our state affect the state of our relationships?

That’s why, again, communication is a game changer. It allows you to break the situation down, better understanding the nuts and bolts of what’s happening to yourself first. Only when you get a clear understanding of the ongoing problem can you also find out whether your personal problems have had a domino effect on your relationship.

That is likely to be one of the most common situation couples face, as at times being able to address one’s personal problems is the hardest step to take. And pouring our overwhelm onto someone else feels almost like taking a burden off of our shoulders.

But watch out, that comes with a price.

When we chose to remain stuck in our blinding and toxic emotions, whatever’s going to come out of us will have the same exact impact on the relationship.

We end up being so blinded by ourselves that we can’t even draw a real picture of the current circumstances, let alone communicate in an effective way.

Funny enough, the more emotionally entangled we are, the more we try and “fix” things. Yet all that is going to come out will be confusion and more chaos.

“We can’t solve a problem by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

Final Thoughts

The art of communication starts with ourselves first.

If we’re able to have a real and honest communication with our own emotions and with what’s going on with us first, only then can we take the second step to building a real and lasting relationship which is opening up from a place of true understanding, delivering our thoughts and feeling in a constructive and helpful way, so that we can communicate to re-build, and not to demolish.

To become stronger, and not weaker. To be willing to take a step back if needed in order to allow our partners to have the equal opportunity to communicate effectively, instead of taking two steps forward just to be “right” or prove a point.

A true relationship happens always in the middle ground. It’s the outcome of two selfless people who are not willing to lose their individuality, but that at the same time are willing to both lower their voice so that real communication can happen and heal any wound.

Therefore you should always remember that in a relationship what’s not rightly communicated, it’s hidden. What’s hidden creates assumptions. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings eventually create chaos & separation.

Thanks for reading.

Being able to create fulfilling relationships is one of the key elements to a truly joyful and fulfilling life. And the first step to take is always inward. Find out how to do it!