Summary

The text discusses "the trick" of selective memory in relationships, where people focus on their partner's positive qualities while downplaying their negative aspects, leading to staying in unhealthy relationships for too long.

Abstract

In the text, the author describes a common phenomenon called "the trick" that occurs when people in relationships focus on their partner's positive qualities while downplaying their negative aspects. This selective memory can cause people to stay in unhealthy relationships for too long, ultimately harming their mental health and wellbeing. The author provides an example of a client who was in a relationship with someone who was great fun and outgoing but was unreliable and lacked commitment. The author suggests that people should try to see their partners as whole persons, acknowledging both their positive and negative qualities, to make informed decisions about their relationships.

Opinions

People tend to focus on their partner's positive qualities while minimizing their negative aspects.
This selective memory can cause people to stay in unhealthy relationships for too long, ultimately harming their mental health and wellbeing.
People should try to see their partners as whole persons, acknowledging both their positive and negative qualities.
Selective memory can be a particular trap for nice people who tend to give their partners the benefit of the doubt.
"The trick" is a psychological defense mechanism that shows up when people can't let go of someone or something they are heavily invested in.
People should write down a full description of their partner to remind themselves that they are living with a real person, not an idealized version.
Navigating and building successful relationships remains our greatest challenge.

“The Trick”: Why Good People Stay Too Long in Bad Relationships

The role of selective memory in love

“What’s keeping you in this relationship?” I asked.

My client was in her 30s and had been with her partner for a year. She wanted to build a future with him.

She described him as smart, great fun, a social extrovert, loved the outdoors as much as she did. They had great times together. But when they weren’t, her anxiety and insecurity dialled up. At its most extreme, she considered breaking up.

“When we’re together it’s great, but when we’re not he doesn’t put in any effort. I don’t hear much from him. When I call him out on it, he gets all defensive and tells me I’m needy, that I expect too much,” she said.

“So why do you think you’re staying with him?” I repeated.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’d miss him too much if he wasn’t there.”

She was playing “the trick” on herself.

When selective memory kicks in.

I first heard about “the trick” in Dr Henry Cloud’s classic book Necessary Endings, about when and how to call time on, well, anything.

It describes a very human blind spot when it comes to love — the tendency to lock in on the best features of someone, while diminishing the worst.

Even when people know someone isn’t good for them — isn’t treating them well and the relationship probably isn’t sustainable — they will “trick” themselves into staying.

Cloud describes it as ‘I will only think of the good parts’ of a person so I won’t have to break up with them. Every time you think about ending the relationship, you tell yourself you’ll miss those good things, and quietly forget all the problems.

Trouble is, this use of selective memory means you are setting yourself up to miss half a person — a person who doesn’t really exist.

It’s a particular trap for nice people because they tend to keep giving a partner the benefit of the doubt, even when they know they’re not good for them.

“The trick” is psychological defence mechanism that shows up when people can’t let go of someone or something they are heavily invested in. In relationships, they won’t see their partner as a whole person. So they can’t let go because they tell themselves they are letting go of something amazing or something they need.

The closer they get to making a call on the relationship, the more they focus on the “amazing” rather than seeing the reality of the whole person, flaws and all.

So they don’t make the call and stay together.

But it doesn’t stop them from questioning it.

Seeing the whole person

I like and encourage people to see the best in their partners.

Relationships would never get off first base if we looked for the worst in potential partners — they certainly wouldn’t be sustainable. And everyone knows tolerance is a key ingredient in successful relationships.

However selective memory can cause people to stay in unhealthy, even toxic, situations for too long and, in doing so, play havoc with their mental health and wellbeing.

So it’s important to ditch the rose-tinted lens and stare down the truth of our relationships. In other words, the messiness of the one you’re with.

If, like my client, you’re unsure of your future with someone and facing a decision, check in with yourself.

Do you find yourself locking in on all that is good/wonderful about them and telling yourself you’ll miss those qualities?

And, in doing so:

Do you minimise the characteristics that worry you?

If you’re struggling with this, it can be helpful to write down a full description of your partner in a sentence or two.

When my client did it, it showed up something like this:

“My boyfriend is a great guy when we’re out doing things or with friends but he is unreliable, lacks commitment and does things on his own terms. It’s like he doesn’t think about me at all when we’re not together. He gets angry or turns the blame on me whenever I raise my concerns.”

She winced a little looking at that paragraph.

“I feel mean doing that. He’s so amazing in many ways.”

The “trick” was kicking in again — but now she could see it.

The exercise is not designed to trigger a breakup. It’s about reminding yourself that you are — or will be — living with a real person.

That they will be bringing both the best and worst of themselves to the kitchen table. And you’ll get a whole lot more of that over time.

People’s true characteristics don’t tend to diminish. You either learn to accept, tolerate — even love — them with time. Or you become anxious, resentful and eventually hurt by them.

Perhaps I’ve spent too much time in the therapy room, but I think navigating and building successful relationships remains our greatest challenge.

There are many things you can’t control in love — and there are myriad ways to play it.

But this is one thing you can take charge of. Love with your whole heart, but don’t trick yourself.

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