The triangle of unhappy relationships
When building relationships with people, we can use one of the roles of the triangle. Somewhere intuitively we feel with whom we can be a victim and with whom we can be a rescuer. All these roles are destructive and do not bring us pleasure from interacting with other people.
There are three roles in the interaction triangles: Victim, Savior and Persecutor (Aggressor):
A victim is a person who lives in the state of “Martyr”. He is not confident in himself, considers this world unfair, and often experiences feelings of guilt and shame. A person who does not take responsibility expects someone else to take it. A person can depend on other people’s opinions. The Victim’s way of survival is to exist at the expense of others, to take everything from them, such as some consumers, but to give nothing in return. Focused solely on themselves. The victim lives from a feeling of complete hopelessness.
How to get out of this dominant state?
- Learn to take responsibility for your life (choice of work, partner, clothes, friends — this should be solely your choice)
- Learn independently, make decisions, without regard to the environment.
- Listen to yourself, what your desires and needs are
A rescuer is a person who finds it difficult to bear when someone nearby has problems and difficulties. He rushes to help him, does for him what he should do for himself, often to the detriment of himself and his needs. The rescuer perceives other people’s problems as his own. The rescuer has problems with personal boundaries; they are simply erased. The rescuer willingly helps others, but he himself never asks for help. The biggest lie of a rescuer is to look inside himself, to recognize himself. By saving others, he subconsciously expects that others will appreciate it, he will feel needed, and therefore OK.
How to get out of this state?
- Do not “intrude” with your help when it is not asked for, it is not appropriate
- Do not decide for others how they should live, how they should make decisions
- Learn to refuse others if you don’t want to do it
- Do not speak or think for other people
The Persecutor (Aggressor) is not a stable role in the triangle, since it can be either a Victim or a Rescuer.
A victim in the position of an aggressor is a person who is driven by resentment, guilt, and injustice.
A rescuer in the position of an aggressor is a person who is driven by a desire to punish and prove. Establish justice.
The position of the aggressor can manifest itself in the Victim, this is in the desire to receive more and more attention and care from the Rescuer.
The position of the aggressor can manifest itself in the Rescuer, this is in the desire to receive more and more recognition and “feedback” from the Victim.