The Triangle of Subversion– What Happens When a Narcissist Brands You as Enemy

You might be under attack without even knowing it

Narcissists are masters of deception. They enjoy and excel at telling lies and making people believe those lies.

Most people do not fact-check what they are told. This is why most narcissists get away with their outrageous lies.

Back in 2014 I didn’t know anything about narcissism. I was having a hard time handling a particular colleague at work and I took to Facebook and posted a rant about how incredibly selfish that person was along with other things he did.

One of my friends replied to my post. “You are dealing with a narcissist”, she said. I took to Google, looked up the term Narcissist, and started reading.

I was shocked of how 90% of the traits mentioned in the Wikipedia page for Narcissism described his behavior to a tee.

As I read on, I understood that I was being targeted by that person in an attempt to control, subdue and ultimately destroy me. The narcissist had branded me his Enemy.

There is a definite hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top — which is the only place he feels safe. Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone — Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D.

But why me?

That was the first question that came to my mind. I never did anything to threaten or harm him.

I often offered to help him with tasks he struggled with, and I spent time sharing my own experience with him because he was four years younger and less experienced.

And then it hit me… That was my mistake just there… I saw his flaws.

Although I never tried to use those flaws against him, he couldn’t bear the idea that someone saw him as anything less than perfect.

Later on, another reason came to my attention. We were both team leaders, and we each were responsible for training our teams. But his team members often came to me for advice.

His team members didn’t just consult me, they also respected and loved me because I treated them with respect and humility. Two things he never did.

Add to this the fact that I had started openly confronting him about his mistreatment of the junior members of his team. You can guess he did not take it kindly.

So, there I was. A direct threat to his authority. Not just on a professional level, but also on a psychological level.

As a narcissist, he loved, and demanded, to be the center of attention, but I was occupying that position, just by being myself.

I was a threat that had to be dealt with.

Let’s take a look at how it all started one year earlier.

When they believe someone’s treated them unfairly, they might feel furious but say nothing in the moment. Instead, they’re more likely to wait for an ideal opportunity to make the other person look bad or get revenge in some way — Crystal Raypole

The Triangle of Subversion

Narcissists don’t act alone. They are famous for using the Triangulation technique, where they involve a third person in the conflict with their enemies. That person is never selected randomly though.

The third person was hand-picked and groomed to be a side kicks from the first moment the narcissist spotted them.

There can be just one side-kick or many. They are usually trusting, and harmless people with little experience in life who can be easily manipulated.

In times of peace, side-kicks serve to inflate the already over-sized self-image of the narcissist by praising them or by doing their biddings.

When the narcissist calls upon a side-kick to back him up in a conflict, the side-kick obliges with enthusiasm. They want to be useful to their master to avoid his wrath and gain his approval.

The Lies

The side-kick served as a fake mediator. He was the deputy team leader in the narcissist’s team. He came to me and claimed that his team members were lying about being mistreated. He planted doubt in my head.

The narcissist went to my own team members and told them that I was trying to get him into trouble with management by falsely claiming that he is mistreating his team members.

For months he and his side-kick talked to people about me. Spreading lies and painting a picture of me as a troublemaker.

Some people believed them and changed the way they treated me. Others didn’t believe but preferred not to take sides and distanced themselves from both me and him.

The Game

After succeeding in tarnishing my image, the narcissist moved into the second stage where he tried to claim dominion over all the junior members of both teams. Mine and his.

He started inviting them to drinks and trying to befriend them. And at work, he would always take the seat at the head of the table, even if he was not running the meeting. He wanted to send a message saying, “I am the boss”.

I never cared about where I sit at the table, it’s what I had to say that mattered, not where I sat. But his point of view was different. He craved the spotlight even if he had nothing to say at all.

In the meantime, the side-kick continued to tell the team members stories of how he, the narcissist, was kind-hearted and generous. He told them made-up stories about him helping people in need.

The Flaw

There was one major flaw in his scheme though. He was incapable of asserting his dominion as the main leader because he simply lacked the technical knowledge to solve the problems we faced in the project on daily basis.

People still turned to me for solutions, even those who no longer saw me as a “good person”. Pragmatically, I was their best option for getting the answers they needed to finish their tasks.

The Confrontation

When the narcissist finally saw that his plan was not working, he came up to me and confronted me. “There are some rules we need to set here”, he said in a calm voice.

When I asked what was wrong, he went on accusing me of the made-up stuff he was spreading around about me. He believed his own lies.

“By providing support to my team members you are deliberately undermining my authority over them and make me look incompetent in the eyes of management. Why are you doing this to me?”, he said with a hint of sadness now clear in his voice.

“I only want to help”, I explained, but he didn’t listen.

“Ask Karim, he knows I am saying the truth”, he added defiantly as I denied his accusations.

Karim, of course, was his side-kick, whom until that moment I respected and treated like a younger brother.

I called Karim in and he repeated the accusations word by word. Although he did it in a low-key body language and a hushed voice.

I will admit that at this point I got confused and started doubting myself. Was I really causing harm to him without knowing?

The Manipulation

The narcissist achieved a particularly important goal. He confused me. I felt guilty. I even apologized to him then and there.

Since that day I stopped helping his team members. I sent them back to him whenever they came looking for help.

I became annoyingly self-conscious and calculated the outcome of any decision I wanted to make that might affect him.

He took advantage of my state of confusion and feeling of guilt and played on it very cleverly. He fueled my feelings of guilt and demanded that I do his biddings as a way of compensating him for the damage I caused.

At this point I became incredibly stressed as I hated doing what he wanted.

One time he “punished” the junior team members for being “too loud” before we started a training session by cancelling the session and telling them to figure it out on their own.

“Where are we? High school?”, I thought to myself in frustration. But in order not to undermine him, I agreed to his decision.

That was the day I went to Facebook and ranted. That was the day I understood everything that was being done to me.

The Fall

As I became aware of was being done to me, I immediately stopped supporting his narcissistic whims. I went back to doing everything I was doing before he guilt-trapped me.

It was surprisingly elating to see many of the junior guys flocking around me again once I told them that my office is open for all of them whenever they need me.

He was infuriated. He sent his side-kick to me to try to guilt trap me again, but I didn’t budge.

He then went on and did something crazy. He used his cellphone to record a meeting I had with two of his team members.

He had left the phone in the meeting room “by accident”. When one of the guys realized what was happening, I decided it was time to management with this. He had just crossed all lines of reason.

A few days later, they narcissist was cleaning his office and leaving the company. He was terminated and black-listed.

Just like that. He tried to destroy me, but his actions brought down his own demise.

When dealing with a narcissist, distance yourself and manage your expectations. In other words, stop waiting for empathy that will never come, for respect they will never offer, for consideration and compromise they will never bring — Ramani Durvasula, PhD

Always be Aware

Signs of narcissistic behavior are clear. Narcissists are around as everywhere. At work, school, and even family.

I don’t want you to obsess about it but just be aware. If you know someone who exhibits several narcissistic traits try to avoid them, if not possible, then try to reduce their negative effects on your life and the lives of your loved ones.