Summary

The article discusses the toxic cycle of behavior in online dating, where individuals who have been treated poorly in turn mistreat others.

Abstract

The article reflects on the concept of "pay it forward" from the movie of the same name, highlighting the stark contrast with the current state of online dating. The author recounts personal experiences within the London dating scene, noting the prevalence of casual dating and the difficulty in establishing commitment. After developing feelings for someone unavailable, the author faced trust issues and was ultimately ghosted, leading to a cycle of similar behavior as a coping mechanism. The piece critiques the lack of communication and emotional maturity in the dating world, suggesting that such toxic patterns could escalate if not addressed, and emphasizes the importance of honest conversations over harmful actions like ghosting.

Opinions

The author believes that the ideals of spreading good deeds, as seen in the movie "Pay it Forward," are largely ignored in modern society, especially in the context of online dating.
There is a perception that online dating can be exhausting due to the common practice of dating multiple people simultaneously without commitment.
The author expresses that discussing exclusivity can be a delicate matter, potentially making one seem needy or leading to defensive reactions.
The article suggests that catching feelings in a non-exclusive dating scenario can lead to vulnerability and the potential for hurt, especially when the other person is not fully available.
Trust issues are identified as a natural consequence of non-committal dating practices.
Ghosting, particularly after a period of regular dating and intimacy, is viewed as a cowardly act and a poor way to end a relationship.
In response to being ghosted, the author admits to adopting a similar approach to dating, characterized by leading people on and engaging in shallow relationships to numb the pain.
The author points out that such behavior is not unique and reflects a broader desensitization in the dating scene, with many avoiding honest communication about their feelings.
The article argues that people should be prepared to have difficult conversations instead of resorting to ghosting, which can perpet

The Toxic World of Online Dating

You treat me bad, I will treat someone else bad.

I remember watching a movie when I was younger called Pay it Forward.

If you can't remember it/ can’t be bothered to watch it, here is a very basic summary of the main concept. A schoolboy comes up with the idea that if you do good deeds for people then they will pay this goodwill forward to other people and good deeds will keep spreading.

It's a nice idea to make the world a better place. The film was released in 2000. Either no one bothered watching this film or completely ignored the message. Because in today’s world, this concept doesn't seem to have spread very far. Particularly in the world of online dating.

I had a period in my life when I was going on many dates and getting to know different people. What I found in the shallow world of online dating in London is that everyone you meet was doing the same thing.

Going on dates with many people, hooking up with different people with no real commitment until they find ‘the one’. It is great for anyone looking for hooks up and some fun, but I found it gets to the point where it can be a bit exhausting.

I found it was almost the unwritten rule to ask or be honest about the other people you are still actively dating. If you ask, you may appear too clingy and controlling. If you are asked it, you may get defensive and be reluctant to be too honest as it may kill this relationship on the spot.

I found myself in this kind of situation where it was almost an open relationship, without discussing too much about who else we were seeing. But I made the fatal mistake of catching feelings for someone who was unavailable. This made me more eager to know where she stood but at the same time, not wanting to sit down and have ‘the talk’.

We started to see each other more often, but there were always the occasions where one of us couldn't meet up because clearly, we were seeing someone else. It got to a point where trust was always going to be an issue. Until one day, she ended it out of nowhere. Over text. No real reason why.

At the time, I was more angry than heartbroken. My ego was hurt. Getting ghosted by someone you have been on one date with is one thing. But when you have been dating someone and hooking up with them for months, it is a bit of a copout. You could even say a coward's move.

How did I react to getting ghosted and dropped on the spot?

By doing the same to other people of course.

How else do you react when you are feeling hard done by?

My go-to move was leading people on and having shallow relationships to fill a void. Using my pain like a sea of despair. The pain had caused a nonchalant attitude to dating and a lack of interest in other people's feelings. If someone has the cheek to treat me badly, then it is fair game. Just paying it forward.

So I went on a bit of a rampage. If she is gonna treat me like that then cool. Two can play at that game. Although I did not tend to ghost as I was raised with manners and didn't see the need to ignore people, I would act with self-interest at the forefront of every decision.

Unfortunately, I don't think my immature behavior is unique. Many have been treated badly and have become desensitized. Acting like a teenager who is unwilling to say how they really feel. An inability to have that uncomfortable conversation with someone that you no longer desire.

Where will toxicity end?

Ghosted at the aisle?

Getting told over text from your wife of 10 years that she wants a divorce and then getting your number blocked?

There is a time and a place for ghosting of course. If someone becomes abusive or has done something unforgivable. If that is the case then ghost away. But this is not always the case.

People need to be willing to speak up and start having those hard conversations. Have a bit of a backbone about you and show some level of self-respect. It may not be easy, but it is better than deleting someone without giving them any form of explanation. Because what you may have unwittingly done, is passed on this negative behavior to other people.

Pay it forward, not backward.