The Toxic Masculinity of Late-Transitioning Transgender Women

When you’ve lived most of your life as a man, transitioning doesn’t mean you left all of the man behind.

We’re living in a fast-changing time, and LGBTQ issues and rights are upfront and center in social justice. As we shift society to be more accepting, we all have to admit that a lot of this is new territory for everyone. There are going to be some growing pains along the way as well as a lot of adjusting. Women probably know this better than anyone else as we’ve had to fight for everything we have and we’re still fighting now for equity in workplaces, our homes, and in the world.

Most women are sympathetic to the cause of trans women. We’re generally the first to embrace. I’m all for identifying with whatever makes you happy and present as such. I’m fine with whatever bathroom you want to use. You’ll never get an argument from me about any of that, but it did get me thinking about what it has meant to me being female all my life and how those experiences would correlate to someone who was once male. Frankly, there are just a lot of privileges that men and boys had that I didn’t and I’m noticing that a lot of those privileges carry over even after someone transitions to being a woman.

Recently, I read an article here on Medium where the author (a trans woman) wrote about her friend (another trans woman) coming out to her then-wife before starting to transition. The piece then goes on to talk about how unsupportive the wife was and how mean she was and that she didn’t want to stay in the marriage. It laid all of the emotional guilt and blame for the experience being difficult at the wife’s feet, and at how hurt the trans woman was by her wife’s reaction. It never ever acknowledges or sympathizes with the fact that the wife has just had her world turned upside down too.

Given, that wife’s response did sound toxic because she didn’t handle it very well (name-calling, keeping the kids away…tsk tsk, not cool), but I also looked at other stories I’d heard about similar wives whose husbands came out trans after years of marriage. In a way, it is a betrayal, and it was building a life with a person who was living a lie.

And no, trans women cannot expect women to do additional emotional labor and stick around or not feel hurt or not be angry or to make our emotions and needs secondary to yours. You can’t invalidate our feelings just because you changed the game. That’s such a narcissistic, gaslighting move. I would hope that both would not be toxic and fight dirty, but I also don’t think it’s fair to drop a bomb on someone and then think that they would be like, “Oh, that’s cool, honey.”

This is where that learned toxic masculinity comes in, dumping the emotional labor back on the cisgender woman. It’s true that in our society, generally men are raised to be more self-centered and more selfish. Sorry, but it just is, and hence why we live in a patriarchal society. That male entitlement has been the bane of women’s existence and we see it practiced here where the wife is expected to be the selfless one or else she’s in the wrong.

Women in general — regardless of if they are straight or gay — are raised to carry a lot of the emotional weight in society and here, we find ourselves thrown back in again with this new arena.

I get it. It’s not easy being in the closet most of your life. It takes a lot of courage to try to live your most authentic self and to be out; but even as you’re asking for empathy, you also have to give it.

When you’re married, your decisions are not just about you. You have a partner to consider and if you know the person well, you should know what to expect in reaction. Not everyone is going to want to stick around and that is their right and that is just the reality you have to prepare for. Being a grown-up means making hard decisions and accepting that not everybody — even your spouse — is going to be supportive, especially if it changes the world as you both know it. Plan accordingly.

There are also distinct challenges that women face growing up and navigating the world that men simply do not have to face, including trans women who grew up as men. In feminism, we talk about it all the time. The stalky/rapey behavior of men who won’t take no for an answer. Getting your ass grabbed or your breasts groped because some guy feels he can. Being hypersexualized as little girls and feeling overly self-conscious of your developing body because of creepers. Being told you’re second fiddle to boys all the time, even subliminally by what toys and clothes are available to you as a girl. Being treated differently, looked at differently, promoted differently in our workplaces from our bosses and colleagues. The list goes on and on and on.

There are just some things that late-transitioning trans women have never had to experience that women couldn’t dodge if they wanted to, but women are still being written about and disparaged for feeling duped and being angry when our partners turn out to be something other than what we expected.

And I’ll be honest. If I found myself in that situation, I’d probably be pretty angry too. In fact, I think there would be a whole cycle of emotions. Disbelief, hurt, anger, grief, and then finally acceptance. I’d go through the cycle of mourning for my relationship as I had known it. I wouldn’t resort to name-calling or vindictiveness, but I also wouldn’t be happy about it for me or the relationship. And no, I don’t think I could stay married to my trans woman partner. As much as I may love her, the marriage and the expectations just wouldn’t be the same anymore and I probably couldn’t do it. I’d want her to be happy and to live as authentically to her true self as possible, but it’d be without me as her partner. I’d want to be with a man and that’s just me.

But in these situations, the larger problem isn’t so much the transgender part. The larger problem is the being lied to part.

Outside of relationships though, there is still more ground to cover. Even within my own culture, as more and more trans people are making themselves known, it’s not hard to see that a lot of the privileges and attitudes that boys who are now trans women grew up with are still with them.

Meanwhile, trans men are still struggling to be accepted as men.

A prime example of this is in cultures where there are distinct socially significant roles for the genders to perform and where the patriarchy thrives, trans men will still not be asked to perform the male roles. They are still treated like they are women. They cannot partake in sitting amongst the men or be part of men's conversations, etc.

Whereas for transwomen, sure, come to the kitchen and help cook. No problems there.

But even aside from cultural gender performance and roles, there are nuances that come down to the behavior of each trans gender. Even with physical changes, there are ingrained social conditioning and nurturing that align themselves with the person’s original gender.

In talking to trans women and trans men in my community, I still found that the trans men carry many of their feminine traits and behaviors like being more empathetic towards others while trans women were more focused on their own struggles. It correlates to how in our traditional community little boys and girls were raised with girls being social caretakers and little boys being more self-involved. The later-in-life change to gender did not affect that.

I had a long conversation with a friend of mine who is a trans man. We were talking about the phrase “trans women are women.” I brought up that it was interesting that there isn’t a mirror phrase for trans men, that “transmen are men.”

So what does that mean? How does that translate in society? Does it mean that trans men are more easily accepted and aren’t facing the same dangers as trans women thus they don’t need this slogan? Yet, both my friend and I know this is not true.

Is this because men becoming women in a patriarchal society is all that much harder than women becoming men? Or is there sexism at play here, and is this just another layer of inequality for trans men (because they were once women)?

Maybe transitioning into a man is seen as less threatening to manhood than a man transitioning into a woman. Something about losing a dick. Fragile masculinity is so real. Regardless, transitioning into either sex carries with it its own implications and social challenges.

In the end, I guess lesson number one for the newly trans woman is, as a woman, get ready to be shit on a lot by society with impossible standards. Welcome to womanhood. Check your old male privilege at the door and pick up that emotional labor backpack that all women are expected to carry. The more passing you are, the faster you’re going to learn how fun it's been for women in a patriarchal society — especially if you happen to be an average-looking woman (no pretty privilege).

There’s a lot to learn about being a woman that goes beyond clothes, boobs, and looks; and I hope you’ll be sensitive to it and learn to empathize as you go along. We’re here to help, but please don’t stomp on us along the way either. We don’t need more assholes. The fight’s been hard enough.

Oh, and be glad you don’t get periods or menopause.

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