The Tortured Soul of a Wannabe Pilot

How medical diagnoses have grounded a dream…for now.

All day long, planes pass over my Pittsburgh home in procession as they make their final approach into Pittsburgh International Airport.

Boeing 737's

Airbus A319's

Bombardier CRJ’s

C-17 Globemaster III’s

All routinely loop overhead, making a hard bank to the right as they enter their base turn in preparation for the final approach.

I have a perfect view of the action, my home office overlooking the flight path. The consistency brings childlike joy throughout the day.

But with the joy comes a hint of sadness, a constant reminder of a dream that continues to elude my clutches.

The Medical Journey

From the medical side of things, I’ve had an interesting 31 years around the sun thus far. I was born with two rare conditions: Osteogenesis Imperfecta (Type I), and Transposition of the Great Arteries.

Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI), affectionately known as “brittle bone disease,” is an inherited genetic condition. My first 18 years consisted of frequent trips to the ER for broken bones, my right leg being a favorite victim of mine.

This was the condition that held me back the most as a child, relegating me to sports like baseball, swimming, and golf (not that there’s anything wrong with these sports), and away from the likes of hockey and football. The idea of recreational ice skating, skiing, or snowboarding was also too much of a risk.

As I transitioned from elementary school to high school to college, my “incidents” diminished. Some might say it was due to “growing out of it,” others would claim that I matured over those years.

I like to think it was a bit of both.

Regardless, OI always felt like it was in my way, holding me back from going on new adventures and keeping up with the interests of my friends. I was always cautious of missteps that could result in a trip to the ER, a figurative mental crutch that often manifested a literal one.

On the contrary, Transposition of the Great Arteries (TGA) was an afterthought when compared to my OI issues. 10 days after birth I underwent a successful arterial switch procedure, effectively correcting the defect. I was left with nothing more than a scar and slight murmur, no other major complications or need for prescriptions.

In the years to follow the treatment was simple; visit once every two years for routine check-ups to ensure all remains well. TGA was an afterthought, one that was more a story of my past than a red flag to appear in the future.

As I effectively “aged out” of my issues with OI (this is to say, putting myself in harms way less often), the reality of my TGA diagnosis came into clearer focus. Check-ups every two years turned into every year. Routine echocardiograms turned into the occasional MRI. Stress tests were introduced to further monitor my condition.

The afterthought also morphed into a forethought: my heart murmur was growing more pronounced, MRIs showed regressions in my cardiac anatomy, and the topic of valve replacement progressed from “maybe” to “probably” to “necessary.”

Needless to say, the “story of my past” had become the reality of my future.

The Pilot Journey

I’ve always had an affinity for aviation. As a child, I was that kid, the one giddy with excitement throughout the entire travel process.

The sound of suitcase wheels across the airport terminal. The walk down the jetway. Buckling in and pushing back.

The adrenaline rush of takeoff…

Who am I kidding, I’m still this excitable today.

However, as a child, I never once considered that becoming a pilot was within the realm of possibility. I always assumed that my medical history, coupled with less than stellar (actually, absolutely abysmal) math scores, would prevent me from entering the field.

In all actuality, I just never did much exploring into the pilot career path because of my fragile past.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, this all changed in my mid-twenties. My guess is I stumbled across a YouTube channel that piqued my interest, but I suddenly felt compelled to explore a career in aviation.

Through research I uncovered some enlightening information:

• You don’t have to be a math genius, but there are aviation-specific principles you need to be able to nail down.
• My OI diagnosis shouldn’t be an issue since it does not impede my daily function and ability to operate a motorized vehicle.
• My TGA, while the biggest hurdle, seemed like a possible one to overcome given my prognosis at the time.

Newly married, my wife and I agreed to explore next steps, starting with a “discovery flight” at a local flight school. I’ll spare you the details, but I spent about an hour in an old Cessna 172 Skyhawk, conducting multiple touch-and-go’s, as well as a few trips around the traffic pattern.

I was hooked.

The Intersection of the Two

The next step in the career pilot exploration process was the scariest one for me: the required Aviation Medical Examination.

While I could have started flight school prior to full medical clearance, my situation was too up in the air to do so. I needed the peace of mind that I could begin the career transition without limitations.

My Aviation Medical Examination went smoothly enough. The doctor cleared me of any concerns surrounding my OI diagnosis; however, he was required to give me a “pending review” status for my heart. This was not unexpected, but a hurdle nonetheless.

What “pending review” ultimately meant was the FAA would examine my case further and determine next steps. For me, next steps meant a litany of tests, the same ones I had become all too accustomed to undergoing.

As I mentioned earlier, my need for a heart valve replacement went from “maybe,” to “probably,” to “necessary.” It was during this stage in the process where my heart valve replacement status changed from — probably some point in the future — to — most certainly sooner rather than later.

My cardiologist was reluctant to harpoon my desires, but she was very honest about what the next five years would most likely look like. Even if approved by the FAA, a valve replacement would ground me only a few years into my new career, with no guarantee to be reapproved to fly.

I should also note a few other things going on at the same time:

• This was all taking place in the 1st quarter of 2020
• I was suddenly furloughed from my job due to COVID-19

Staring down a heart valve replacement in the coming years, a pandemic rocking the entire world, let alone the airline industry, and my source of income suddenly thrown into disarray, pursuing my dream of becoming an airline pilot was dashed before ever taking off.

Or was it?

The Current Outlook

Today I sit in my home office doing a job I enjoy for a great company. I am genuinely passionate about what I do, playing a small part in helping others receive the mental health counseling they need.

Yet, the constant teasing of planes overhead gives me renewed hope that I can still find a way to take to the skies.

Recently the FAA issued further guidance for those with heart valve replacements. In years past those with a mechanical heart valve replacement would not be permitted to fly. This has been amended and is now treated on a case-by-case basis.

The pandemic is also stabilizing (or becoming normalized, maybe?), with the airline industry bouncing back. There are well-reported issues of flight cancellations and the like, but one fact remains, pilots are in huge demand.

Given these glimmers of hope, I remain optimistic that I can find my way into the cockpit of a jet someday. This is by no means a guarantee, and I may be missing details that would cause me further difficulty, but that glimmer of hope is enough for me to stay positive through the uncertainty.

The Why

During my writing of this story I asked myself a few times, “Why am I taking the time to share this? What’s the point?”

To start, I want to emphatically state what is not my point in sharing this story. I am by no means looking for pity regarding my situation. I count myself to be beyond blessed to have a normal quality of life, all things considered. There are an unenumerable amount of examples of those who face far greater challenges and hardships in life than I, yet through positivity and hope find a way to persevere.

Instead, I share this story for a few personal reasons:

1. A Therapeutic Exercise

I believe that expressing your trials and tribulations with others is a therapeutic exercise in and of itself. It helps you better understand yourself, your situation, and to find peace and positivity through it all.

2. A Source of Motivation

Putting these words on paper motivates me to at least see through the process. I know very well that the odds are against me in this pursuit, but I’m determined to at least exhaust my options. If I’m told that flying isn’t in the cards for me, so be it, but at least I gave it a go.

3. The Story Others May Need

I volunteer at our church as a youth group leader for 8th grade boys. Coincidentally, one of my kiddos has the exact same heart condition as I. Whether it’s OI, TGA, ADHD (another acronym of mine), or any medical condition, I realize my story may help bring peace, hope, and positivity to others.

To the Medium community, I thank you for taking the time to read my journey. I hope it offers a glimmer of positivity into the dream you’ve been chasing, the one that’s tortured your soul for far too long.

If I may note one last thing, writing this story has helped me relieve some of that “tortured soul” sting mentioned in the headline. I’m determined to press on with the dream, but at peace with whatever the end result yields. Sharing your own personal story may provide you with the same, much-needed relief. That is my wish for you.

Please take some time to explore some of my other favorite Medium writers who graciously share their personal journeys.

• If you haven’t yet, you really should take the time to Get to Know J.R., aka Not Weird Just Autistic.
• Scot Butwell also has no fear sharing his personal autism journey, as exemplified by, “Turns Out I’m Autistic, and I Missed The Signs For 52 Years.”
• For a Gen Z perspective on today’s climate, while also being open about her ADHD diagnosis, I highly recommend Madison Sasser.
• Spreading the word about Neurodiversity and her own ADHD derived Masking tendencies, Jillian Enright is a must-read.

If you’re interested in more from me (after checking out the above first), please find more of my work here.