The Top 5 Worst Senior Online Dating Pickup Lines and How to Improve Them

The Alternative Lines That Will Get My Attention

By now, my faithful readers know that I don’t make up stories just to have something to write about. My life experiences are weird and amusing enough that I can elicit chuckles from you by simply telling the truth.

So here we go again with another of my true tales.

Although I am enjoying my “conversation partner” (Could I Have Found What I Didn’t Know I was Looking For), I admit that I still troll the online dating sites on the off chance that King (I’m too old for a Prince) Charming may appear, sweep me off my aching feet and shower me with compliments, gifts, and free trips.

But how am I going to separate the Frogs from the Kings when they all say the same repetitive nonsense in their profiles?

Not only is there a serious lack of creativity from men trying to describe their lifestyles and interests, but I have to wonder if these lines worked so well, and these men are so active, well-traveled, well-read, fit, healthy, and wealthy, why do they keep showing up on every site I read?

Is there a book that lists “lines that will melt a woman’s heart and get her to respond to you?” If there is, it “ain’t working” and someone (me?) should write a list that will work.

After much research (trolling), I have become somewhat of an encyclopedia of “lines” men think are going to “hook” you.

I did all the work for you. Here is my list of the top five worst cliched lines and descriptive phrases that men think will turn on a woman’s libido or at least make her interested enough to send a response. Most of these “lines” are paraphrased compilations from a variety of men. I have included my editorial response to them, and my suggested alternative lines that I think will encourage you to swipe in whichever direction means “Let’s talk.”

1. I love to take long walks on the beach in the early morning to watch the sunrise to wake another day.

MY COMMENT: If everyone who wrote about “long walks on the beach” was actually taking those walks, there would be no room on any beach on earth for anyone to stand, never mind, walk.

MY ALTERNATIVE: I’m 75 years old; my days of remaining upright while walking on lumpy sand are long gone. I’m good with a short walk on a flat pier — you know, one on which I won’t fall on my face and where there are plenty of benches for us to sit on and watch the surf.

2. I love fine dining.

MY COMMENT: You want me to think you are sophisticated and wealthy.

MY ALTERNATIVE: I honestly don’t care about “fine dining.” I just don’t like to cook and am happiest eating at a local, family-owned restaurant. I’m old-fashioned enough not to expect you to pay if I invite you and modern enough not to expect you to cook for me.

3. Description of physical attributes: I am physically fit and financially independent. I am looking for someone who is looking to live life not just be alive. I enjoy playing sports(pickleball, golf, bowling, bocce ball), and outdoor activities (hiking, biking, walking, kayaking, beach-going, water & snow skiing, snorkeling-scuba). Would like to take up some dancing (ballroom, line, square, etc.).

MY COMMENT: Are you KIDDING ME? Date your teenage grandchild if you want someone that physically fit. I don’t for one second believe anyone in their seventh decade of life can do all those activities without spending the following week wrapped in ice on the couch or in physical therapy in the hospital.

MY ALTERNATIVE: I make an effort to be as physically active as possible for someone with more replacement parts than the original ones. I can still paddle in the pool and walk around the block leaning on my cane. If you’re into kayaking and hiking, I’m not your guy. Not that I ever did those things on my best days.

4. Description of his qualities: I am an honest, truthful, trustworthy, authentic, respectful, adventurous, upbeat, outgoing, intelligent, open-minded, perceptive, sensitive, passionate, loving, caring, demonstrative, humble yet confident, lifelong learner type guy…….

MY COMMENT: Does he have a dictionary? Does he know the meaning of the word “humble”? Believe me, he doesn’t fit it.

MY ALTERNATIVE: I’ve been called a pompous braggart by some women. Maybe I am, but I’m not open to changing who I am, so if you like my type, send me an email.

5. And my favorite — His “requirements” in a woman. These are traits that show up in almost all the profiles I have read. I have divided them with stars (*) to denote that they were from different men.

*My “ideal match” is an emotionally expressive, spontaneous, kind, loving, thoughtful, educated, mature, active, self-assured woman who is comfortable with who she is, knows what she wants from life, enjoys herself in all social settings and is looking to live life not just be alive. (This “live life not just be alive” quote must be in a book somewhere because it shows up a lot.)

*Must be height-weight proportional, spontaneous, a good kisser, and willing to give 100% to a relationship.

*Sexy, adventurous, bright, honest, independent with her own interests, and able to take care of herself. Attractive, stylish, slender, athletic, accomplished, articulate, financially secure/ romantic, sexual, aggressive in bed, demonstrative, affectionate.

*Well manicured, pedicured, hair always well coifed, high heels preferred, stylishly dressed, thin.

The characteristics that are most prominently “required”, not “requested” are:

Slender

Athletically fit

Attractive

Financially independent

These characteristics come up repeatedly in one profile after another. Especially the “thin” one. That’s a biggie (no pun intended).

MY COMMENT: Have you looked in the mirror, Buddy? In my first online dating story, Senior Online Dating Saga, I described the retired lawyer (so he claimed to be) who had the gall to post a picture of himself with dirty, unkempt hair.

I told about the guy who lectured me that I needed to show more than “head shots”, and that men on Dating Sites wanted to see what was below the neck. This is from someone who posted one headshot of his very unattractive, triple-chinned self.

Many men describe themselves as having “a few extra pounds,” posting pictures that show beer bellies that took decades to build.

I say if you want a woman who has all the qualities and physical attributes you have listed, you’re going to have to date more than one at a time because I don’t know any one person who embodies EVERYTHING you require.

MY ALTERNATIVE: I’m looking for a nice lady who takes regular showers and dresses in clean clothes.

There you have them. The top 5 worst online dating “lines” I continually encounter and my suggested alternative responses.

It’s YOUR TURN. Give us the worst lines you have read and your best alternatives to them. Show us your creativity!

As chief (and only) judge, I will be awarding this trophy to the person I think has come up with the best ALTERNATIVE LINES.

Dating Resource — Match.com

© Joan Gershman 2022

Want unlimited access to all my stories — Click this link:

I get a small portion of your membership fee at no extra cost to you.