The ‘Tongue Incident’ Was Cringe, But Dalai Lama is Not a Creep

The Western world is right to call his recent behavior creepy, but it’s also important to understand the cultural context.

Dalai Lama’s recent ‘tongue incident’ has caused an international uproar, evidenced by the comments it has elicited on social media.

It started innocently with a young boy asking the Dalai Lama if he could give him a hug. Then it shows Dalai Lama kissing the boy on the lips and asking him to “suck his tongue.”

Soon after, celebrities like American rapper Cardi B tweeted, “The world is full of predators. They prey on the innocent…”

“Well, that’s it for him. “Goodbye, Dalai! ”American model Christie Brinkley responded.

The renowned spiritual leader and his team were quick to release a statement apologizing to the boy, his family, and his “many friends across the world for the harm his words may have caused.”

And added that the Dalai Lama “teases people he meets in an innocent and playful way, even in public and before cameras.”

Although the Western community is right to question his motives, having both Western and Asian cultures in me, I believe the recent incident is a combination of the Dalai Lama’s personality and cultural misunderstanding.

And he is not another pedophilic leader hiding behind religion or his spiritual community.

The playful, funny leader = predatory?

One reason I think why the public is suspicious of Dalai Lama, in this case, is because he’s an 87-year-old acting like a child.

In the early 90s, I saw him in Hawaii when he was giving a talk to hundreds of spectators. I was a novice journalist assigned to his story for the college newspaper.

That day, Dalai Lama was dressed in his signature red robe and sitting on a chair in the middle of a concert-sized stage. He looked like an ordinary monk— only he wasn’t — he was the Dalai Lama.

He furrowed his brows when talking about peace and then cracked a joke, breaking out in laughter. Not any laughter, but the kind of laughter that comes from your belly, reminding me of the chubby, laughing Buddha.

He then went back to his serious self again. It was like he could transform from an adult into a little boy and back without a thought. At times, I didn’t understand his English yet I couldn’t help but join him in laughter.

I was tickled all the way till the end of his talk.

I had never met a grown man with such innocent, child-like qualities. He had humor, that’s for sure. Maybe he needed to. At only 5, he became the 14th Dalai Lamai and was catapulted into international fame.

At 24, he fled Tibet for his life and has been in exile in India ever since.

In the last three decades, he has worked to preserve Tibetan’s rich heritage to restore peace and human rights in Tibet. He set up educational, cultural, and religious institutions to do so, winning him the Nobel Peace Prize in 1989.

So his leadership has been effective and being playful is his modus operandi. It’s his personality, but most sexual predators are charismatic, too. So where do we draw the line between humor and predatory behavior?

Nearly 93 percent of sexual assault victims know their offenders and 80–90 percent are male. So, Dalai Lama would be a likely suspect.

And I think this is what the Western world is seeing or projecting when they see how child-like Dalai Lama can be — reminding them of a grooming tactic often used by sexual predators to gain the victim’s trust.

I can say confidently this is merely Dalai Lama’s character. He can be childlike and serious in a matter of seconds. And I believe this to be a good quality, although I totally get why Westerners would find it cringy.

Additionally, more than his personality, cultural difference is at play here. Its significance cannot be overstated — it’s a big reason why the Western world cannot fathom how his behavior is not predatory.

Cultural differences

I’m multi-cultured. My Nepali parents were into meditation and avid readers of spiritual books, including those authored by the Dalai Lama. And I grew up in Japan, where the majority of people are Buddhists, so I’m not new to Buddhism, either.

I also understand the Western perspective. I went to the States right after high school and worked in the San Francisco Bay Area for over a decade. I’m a naturalized American now living in Germany.

Not all cultures behave the same — sounds obvious, but not so much when confronted with it in real life. I found that quickly when I moved to Germany. As I was used to small talk, I was shocked at how unfriendly the Germans appeared.

It was cultural, I found out later. Small talk is not big in Germany, nor is smiling at each other, for example, in the supermarket.

So intercultural differences cannot be ignored. Supporters of Dalai Lamai have reiterated that this is indeed cultural and has been misinterpreted by Western norms.

Sonam Wangchok is an engineer turned education reformer who lives in Ladakh on the Tibetan plateau. He has over 1.2 million followers on his YouTube channel and says this is all a big “misunderstanding.”

He says that as a child, he saw his mother, who was in her 30s, naked. He has also seen women in their teens and 20s walking around “bare breasts” after washing their hair.

“They [men in Tibet] only see women’s breasts as a source of milk for the babies, nothing sexual,” he says.

He also used to play with his brothers and grandfather by “touching their heads and nose and playing with their tongues, with [his] my tongue.” This was all normal.

Similarly, he says Dalai Lama, who is seen as a “grandfather figure”, was “being playful with the child, as [he] always is” in “wide public view with parents of the child around.”

The boy in question has responded to the incident saying he received “positive energy.” Although I’m aware that doesn’t mean much. He could’ve felt pressured to say what he did (I’m playing the devil’s advocate here) — he’s just a little boy, after all.

One more thing to note is sticking out your tongue is a sign of respect or agreement and is often used as a greeting in traditional Tibetan culture, according to the East Asian Studies Institute at UC Berkeley.

The folklore goes that a cruel ninth-century Tibetan king had a black tongue, so people stuck out their tongues to show they were not like him or weren’t his reincarnation.

But a Delhi-based child rights group, Haq: Center for Child Rights, told CNN in a statement that they nevertheless condemn his behavior:

“Some news refers to Tibetan culture about showing tongue, but this video is certainly not about any cultural expression and even if it is, such cultural expressions are not acceptable.”

In any case, in this instance, I think Dalai Lama meant no harm. And I seriously doubt he’s a sexual predator. It’s more representative of how Western culture is sensitive to men showing affection to a child.

In America, a man merely sitting on a park bench at a child’s park, for instance, would spur some parents to call the police. This wouldn't happen in Japan or Nepal.

Parents also have to ensure they’re showing the “right” kind of affection. A few years back, American football legend Tom Brady got in trouble when a documentary series showed what others have called “inappropriate” and “cringe”.

The documentary shows his 11-year-old son coming into the room asking for help. Tom is lying on a massage table and offers to help him, but not before getting a kiss on his lips. His son kisses him on the mouth. When his son retreats, he says to his son, “That was just a peck” and his son returns to give him a longer kiss.

Many thought it was “disturbing” and the kiss was “too long”. A woman doing the same thing may not get the same reaction. It’s an indication of how hypervigilant our society — mostly Western — has become to men showing affection.

It somehow reminds us of child grooming by predatory men. Our hypersensitivity to men, especially religious leaders, showing affection is understandable. There have been so many sexual abuse cases of priests within the Catholic Church, the majority of which involve young boys.

It’s not only in Catholic Churches, you can find sex abuse scandals in every major organized religion, including Buddhism.

In 2018, Shambala International, one of the West’s largest Buddhist organizations with more than 200 meditation centers around the world, admitted to sexual abuse by its teachers.

This came after an active member of the Shambala community published a report to raise awareness of the “sexualized violence” in the community, claiming that “known child abusers are freely active within the Shambhala community, some are senior teachers.”

It’s not surprising, then, that Westerners have intense reactions to such behavior by men.

In conclusion

No matter what your stance, what’s clear is, it’s important to have an open mind about other cultures.

What may be a norm in the Western world is not elsewhere. Instead of judging him straight away, consider that perhaps it’s a cultural difference.

That said, it’s paramount that Dalai Lama also learns from this. Given that he’s an influential spiritual leader, it’s crucial he’s aware his behavior may be considered inappropriate in Western cultures.

Go ahead, laugh with the boy, give him a hug, but maybe don’t kiss him in the mouth or tell him to “suck my tongue,” even though that’s acceptable in Tibetan culture.

And for Westerners, I want to reiterate that I strongly believe Dalai Lama is not a creep. He’s just a funny guy with a playful sense of humor.

And he’s also Tibetan (and not from Western culture), so keep that in mind before casting him aside forever.

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