THE NARRATIVE ARC
The Time I Learned I’m a Role Model
Without realizing it, I stepped into a role that I wasn’t comfortable with
There are many lessons to be uncovered in New York City. One is that art is in everything. Another is that there are actually people who enjoy waking up early in the morning. I was simply shocked by the latter fact.
Another fun fact that I learned is that Pride is a huge celebration in the city. The parade goes through most of Manhattan and blocks are shut down for people to celebrate. People stand shoulder to shoulder with nary a complaint about it being too busy or crowded.
“Pride isn’t like this in Detroit,” I said.
“Oh, Honey, there’s no Pride like New York Pride,” A man said as he passed us.
He was right.
My first New York Pride was filled with adventure and excitement. I went with my friend Natalie. We both took in the feel of the event. There was so much to see and absorb.
Walking through the area, we bought things from queer-owned businesses. A bracelet for me, a T-shirt for her. Booths for cell service and therapy were packed with people, so we avoided them.
We talked to people from around the world about how the LGBTQIA+ community is treated in other countries and how we could help out.
“Continue to support Pride. The world looks to the United States,” one lady said. She was from Egypt and was scared to tell her family about her girlfriend.
“We will,” I said.
It was an easy promise to make. Being part of the queer community has always been an important part of my identity. I never realized that other people noticed that too.
After we left Pride, we made our way to Columbus Circle. Our writing Group was happening, and we wanted to show up and get some words in on our respective projects, even though neither of us had brought our computers. Thankfully, technology allowed us to work on our phones.
The tea shop was busier for a Sunday evening. Thankfully, members of the group were already there and talking. I took a seat next to my friend, Will. He shot me a questioning look.
“We just came from Pride,” I said.
“I see that,” he said.
The easy grin told me that he was trying to be playful. Natalie sat down during our exchange and grinned at her phone. It was obvious that she was messaging with her partner.
We chatted about Pride, particularly the fact that this was my first New York event. The excitement radiating from me was palpable. This sort of thing is what made me so happy.
“Our Ed was very popular,” Natalie said.
“Isn’t he always?” Will said.
Natalie stood up and announced that she needed to run to the Rite Aid across the street. Since the group was about to start and the leader wasn’t there, it meant that I would have to run everything.
It’s a good thing that I didn’t go with her because what happened next opened my eyes to something that I had never considered before.
“You know, people really look up to you,” Will said.
“I’m not a role model.”
That wasn’t faux humbleness on my end. I never considered myself someone who should be looked up to or have their behavior modeled after. I was just Ed. Living my best life on my terms.
For me, it was natural to be myself. There was nothing special about what I was doing in my mind. It was what everyone should be doing.
Will looked at me, his face serious. To this point, we hadn’t shared much of our backstories. There was no time to do so and since we largely hung out in a writing group, it never seemed to be the right place to do it.
I was about to get a crash course, though.
“In my hometown, gay people stay in the closet. It’s very conservative and not something that is talked about.”
His words settled in. My own hometown was quite conservative, though I didn’t understand that when I was little. It never occurred to me that coming out could have ended differently for me.
“There are people who look up to you simply because you don’t care what people say. I am one of those people who think of you as a role model.”
Once again, I was speechless. This man went to a highly regarded university, seemed to have it all, but somehow he thought that I was the one to be admired? It seemed preposterous to me.
“Isn’t there someone more worthy of this sort of adulation?” I said.
Will tilted his head at me and laughed. He believed that I was being humble and pushing off the words of praise as nothing more than what a friend would say to someone else.
But that’s not what he was doing at all. He believed what he was saying to me. He did see me as someone to be looked up to and admired because I wasn’t afraid to be myself.
After we talked about this, I started thinking about what a role model is. Celebrities are often among those who are looked up to for following their dreams and being successful.
Britney Spears wrote in her memoir that she hated that title being foisted onto her. Part of me felt the same way. At that moment, I rebelled against the notion that I was a role model.
Nothing about my behavior was something that I wanted people to model for themselves. But there was something sweet about being told that I was someone to look up to, that there were others out there who could learn from me.
When I next saw Will, I ran up and gave him a big hug. After our embrace, he stepped back and looked at me confused.
“What was that for?”
“You told me I was a role model! I thought it was something to push back on, something to fight. But it’s not,” I said.
“All I meant was that by being yourself, you inspire people.”
That’s the thing. So many people try to be someone else, they mimic what they see as a personality that is more mainstream. On the surface, they seem happy but on the inside, they are dealing with heavy issues that are not shared with anyone, even those closest to them.
For me, being gay is just part of who I am. Being involved in the LGBTQIA+ community is something that brings me joy. And not everyone likes me, they don’t like that I am opinionated about certain issues.
That’s ok.
I am a role model for those who want to come out. I am a role model for those who want something better for an entire community.
And that makes me happy.
