The Time I Changed Myself To Love Someone Else

Never a good idea

When sparks of love fly up, it’s often the result of common interests that two people share a bond over.

With those common interests allowing close relationships to blossom and thrive over time, it’s crucial that there is at least some sort of common ground between two people if they hope to start a relationship. It’s also worth noting that this common ground can’t be forced, no matter how hard one side may push for it. It has to occur naturally, and that way the relationship will grow the way it should.

Even though common interests shouldn’t be forced, they shouldn’t be confused with doing things we may not like as much for the ones we love. That’s perfectly okay and should be a part of every healthy relationship. However, if it’s happening 24/7 and one person is constantly sacrificing, that imbalance will soon cause the relationship to become strained and headed down the wrong path.

It’s highly unlikely the one we fall in love with will 100 percent match up with our interests, but if there is a mutual passion it will just make things easier if two people are headed for the romantic route. The only problem with that philosophy is that, well, sometimes both people don’t want to, and it’s only one person.

This is going a little off-topic, so let’s bring it back. Back to the part about common interests. That may sound very simple, but in reality, it’s not.

There are cases where people love to do the same things, and yet even that is not enough of a spark for a relationship. No one ever said relationships were easy, and life isn’t like the movies. Sometimes opposites attract and people who have absolutely nothing in common fit great together, although those are a lot less common than the most often type.

What most often happens is that there is a sort of compromise on both sides, but it’s a tricky business. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t on the losing end of one of these situations, which I’ll get to in a second. Sacrifice and compromise are necessary for a relationship to work, but too much tips the scale the wrong way. It’s often almost impossible to find that perfect balance right away, and it requires patience.

Not only that, but it’s a lot of trial and error. Sacrificing and compromising who you are as a person just to suffer in a relationship you’re not meant to be in is just not worth it. When you give up part of yourself, there’s a decent chance you’ll never get that part of you back. Who we are as a person is different for everyone, and when you lose yourself in a terrible relationship, you become someone else.

Perhaps my run-in with it will help you not make the same mistakes.

This girl I liked, we’ll call her Cosette, was not responsible for what happened. It was the first time I had ever experienced a true run-in as to the commitment it took to be in a relationship, and that it wasn’t as easy as some of my friends who were taken made it look. Thankfully, I woke up at some point and realized truly how far I had lost myself.

It wasn’t just picking up her hobbies to make her think I liked the same things like her, I would drop habits or things I thought she disliked, just because of a silly crush. If there was some type of game she was playing, I immediately became interested in that game whether I liked it. I wanted it to work desperately, and I would try any tactic that seemed like it would help.

If you can see where this is going, that’s obviously not a healthy way to live, and it stunted my growth as a human being. I stopped building on the skills I already had because I was trying to juggle so many new ones. I stopped hanging out with certain friends because I thought she didn’t like them. I even stopped doing homework on certain nights just so I could have a conversation with her.

Obsession is something that drives the heart, and when we’re obsessed, it becomes overpowering and overbearing over every bit of sense we have. When we become so driven towards a goal, unattainable in this situation, we become narrow-minded and lose focus on other things. I think she knew there was something not right with how I acted around her, as she seemed uncomfortable and somewhat concerned whenever it was just the two of us.

This went on for a couple of years until one of my friends finally could snap me out of the deep trance I had put myself in. If there’s any advice or if this is going anywhere towards something you should remember: don’t be afraid to talk to your friends about your habits. I thought there was nothing wrong with what I was doing, but a close friend who we’ll call Rob relayed the situation back to me without me in it, and it was like someone had enlightened me.

When Cosette found out how I felt about her, her attitude towards me shifted. When I told Cosette I no longer liked her, she seemed incredibly relieved and happy to start a new friendship with no awkwardness. Rob had my back, and he too seemed happy I was returning to my old self again. I stopped thinking, “What would Cosette like?” and instead shifted toward, “What would I like?”

That was vital to me self-reflecting over quarantine and just being allowed to love who I was for me. Regardless of any expectations, we have for ourselves, if we’re not happy with who we are as a person, something’s not right. Self-reflecting and being happy with yourself are some of the best ways to find who you are again. The main misconception people will take away from this is that failed relationships are always bad.

That’s El Wrongo, and there are positives that can come out of sacrificing too much of yourself. Getting rid of the best parts of ourselves like our individuality or uniqueness is terrible, but sometimes others can see our fatal flaws better since they’re not standing in our shoes. If I hadn’t listened to Rob, I would probably be a robot right now, swooning over someone who’s not meant for me. It’s important to value other’s opinions because they can see our back when we can’t, and they can help us fix the not-so-pleasant parts of us.

Sacrificing yourself to make a relationship work is key, but there’s a fine line. If you ever feel you’ve crossed that line, it doesn’t hurt to reach out for a friend’s opinion. Just remember: If you make a mistake in love, that’s perfectly okay. Making mistakes is how we learn, and the more mistakes we make, the closer we’ll be to finding the one.