The Three Words That Will Improve All Of Your Relationships

One fall afternoon in 2014, I stormed into my boss’ office, furious at another work group. I can’t even remember what I was angry about — but I do distinctly remember accusing them of trying to sabotage something we were doing. (Our two groups had similar missions and goals in the company, but always seemed to butt heads when it came to the execution of those plans).

She stopped me, and said three words:

Assume Good Intent.

The lightbulb in my mind flickered. Stop believing they are out to sabotage or hurt you, and try to find what their positive objective is. I thought about it, and realized that they did have the same end goal as us. I went back into a meeting and presented the solution with the end goal in mind, and I called out what I thought their good intention was. It worked. The two groups came to a peaceable solution and (for the first time in a long time) worked well together.

It wasn’t a fluke. I began all my business dealings with that motto in mind. I developed a reputation at work for being the type of person who works well with others, and who gets things done. One coworker called me a “political miracle, able to get everyone on board.” I attribute that mindset to the quick three promotions that happened in succession.

I began applying the same motto in my personal life as well. You’ll be happy to know it works on children and husbands, too.

One day, my daughter was having an absolute meltdown. As kids often do, the reason for the meltdown wasn’t immediately clear. It seemed to pop out of nowhere like a sudden summer thunderstorm when I dared to try and put the wrong color jacket on her.

I immediately launched into a train of thought that was painting her to be a terrible, willful, stubborn brat. She’s got to learn to start listening. She can’t keep stubbornly demanding her way. She can’t hold us hostage with tantrums. But, I stopped myself. Assume Good Intent. I watched her bawling, clearly feeling some big feelings. I thought about what started the tantrum. I thought about what she wanted.

Quietly, I said “oh, you wanted the other jacket because you can zip that one by yourself, didn’t you.”

She matched my tone and level. With bottom lip quivering and tears brimming at the bottom of her eyes, she nodded her head.

“I’m so sorry baby, Mommy was in a hurry and didn’t stop to listen to you. What you have to say is important. I picked this jacket because it’s warmer, and I didn’t want you to be cold. Do you want to practice zipping this jacket while I finish loading up the car?”

Her eyes lit up with joy. “Yes, mommy!” She didn’t figure out how to zip up that jacket that day, but she got to practice. She felt heard. She felt validated.

Assuming good intent is a practice in empathy. You have to stop and think -what would I want if I was in this person’s shoes?

It breaks the conflict cycle. When you start with what you think the person needs, it helps dismantle the defensive systems. You let the other person know you are truly trying to understand their point of view.

It also has helped me become more aware when other people aren’t assuming good intent with me. When it happens, I can stop the conversation and say “I’m feeling defensive because I’m not being given the benefit of the doubt — I need you to understand my good intent here before we move forward.”

Sometimes people don’t have good intentions. But I still try to think of them, and suggest them anyway. It gives people a chance to save face. In my experience, people usually jump on the opportunity to be cast in a more positive light. And then, they remeber that you believed in them. They remember how you made them feel.

It’s a shockingly powerful mindset, and it’s three words that have truly made my life better.