The Three Elements That Defines Happiness
One’s misunderstood, one’s overlooked, one’s not considered properly
The reason I didn’t mention what these three elements are on the title is not that I’m click-baiting. It’s because they are so badly misunderstood.
For example, what does “freedom” mean? An Eat Pray Love kind of ideal where you leave everyone from home and move to Kathmandu? Does that mean absolute financial freedom so you can do nothing on a yacht in the Pacific Ocean? No, they are a representation of freedom, not freedom itself.
I used to advise billionaires who buy superyachts, guess what, some of them aren’t very happy people. They don’t have freedom despite a big yacht.
Yes, one of the three elements is freedom. But please read on and think with me properly so that we really know what these elements mean. Otherwise, we will be aiming for the right thing but doing the completely wrong thing.
Let’s not waste any more time chasing empty happiness.
What these three elements take care of
It’s important to know that humans have more than one needs, and over fulfilling one need doesn’t fill in the insufficiency in the other. This is why people who want love can’t get love from sex, and people who want purpose can’t get it from big-money-paying jobs that they don’t like at all.
There’s no way to negotiate around it. If you earn a lot but miss everything else in life, you will still miss it.
The first thing is to realize what are our needs. Here is my version:
- Financial and safety
- Community and relationships
- Self-care and fulfillment
This covers the realistic world, the social world, and the spiritual world that we all can’t help but be part of. It covers physical needs, mental needs, and spiritual needs.
Let’s talk about the elements now, I have made my theory mysterious enough.
1. Sustainable Freedom
I have once heard a very wise story:
People shouldn’t say they hate rules outright because sensible rules keep things running smoothly and sometimes enhance the joy. For example, rules in soccer games are just golden. How many times do we get emotional about a goal which turns out to be off-sided? Good game.
I have moved to a town in England full of hippies. As an anthropologist, I observe them getting drugged up, dancing in the name of freedom. I don’t know if they are truly happy or if the Molly they take just extracts the happy hormones for that short period of time, and how much do they suffer during the comedown.
On the opposite side, do non-stop goal chasing and obsession with achievements make us happy? It might bring us prestige, validation and cash, but again, it’s imbalanced.
With an increasing life span, the model of “work our ass off then retire” doesn’t work at all, we just have too long of retirement until we die. If we are unhealthy (because we screw our body and mind up from overworking and hedonism), then that’s far from ideal.
This is what freedom essentially means, the freedom to create a life that’s suitable and sustainable for us individually.
What does sustainable freedom entail?
Freedom is a feeling, but it’s also action. For example, freedom of speech is not a feeling, but an actual right to be able to speak our minds. Here is what I believe sustainable freedom should include:
- Free from societal pressure
- Free from physical hunger and danger, and psychological insecurity
- Freedom of time to explore ourselves — this includes having the time and space to heal our wounds, know what we want and enjoy the present moment
- Social and geographical mobility
If we can structure our lives so we have the means, time and space to settle in the right place, do the things that are great for our development and explore what our purpose is for the long-term, that’s pretty ideal.
2. Meaningful Connections
When I was living alone in London during the lockdown, I binge-watched Friends for the fourth time. In downtown New York, these six people live close to each other and hang out at Central Perk Cafe. I was like, that’s what I want.
Being a social butterfly doesn’t make us less lonely, sometimes it’s the opposite. Some people are also happy with just one friend (or a soulmate) if the relationship is meaningful enough. The number doesn’t count.
A healthy social life means:
- Shared, healthy interests — so you can do healthy things together. My dads have been playing tennis with the same group of friends for the past 40 years.
- Meaningful conversations — the reason we see many people playing with their phones at a social dinner is that the conversation sucks. Maybe it’s just not the right group to hang out with. Good food, good wine, and good convo, what a trio.
- Look out for each other — we need friends who support each other with authenticity. Speak the truth with love, even if it is harsh. Be there when things turn ugly, be there when things are good.
- Proximity — In a globalized world, friends from childhood might no longer be around. We might grow out of them too. Physical proximity means we can be around people but don’t necessarily engage intensely. Like Joey walks into Monica’s house to eat chicken, it’s the presence that matters (and the chicken). This creates a sense of security and bond.
3. Sex And Self-Exploration
I want to be explicit here because self-exploration can mean going to a therapist and reading self-help books, but I am also, totally, talking about masturbation and sex.
The discourse of sex is so obscured that the best place to start is to go back to Karma Sutra in my opinion. It’s not a book about sexual positions, but:
“The Kama Sutra is far more concerned with the relationships between the sexes, the pursuit of fulfilling relationships, and the development of confidence during sexual congress.” — Kama Sutra study guide
Sex is natural and innate. It’s the easiest source of joy that we don’t even need anything else to have. I think sex can be sacred or naughty, it depends on how we use it, but it certainly needs to stop being taboo and seen as dirty.
I render it truly as the most meaningful event of self-care. Taking time to explore our own bodies, the physical, mental and spiritual selves are simultaneously nurtured (unless we purely and only focus on porn and sexual fantasies, note that this is not what I’m talking about here).
Our social needs can be fulfilled by good meaningful connections, but they don’t replace our sexual needs. Sustainable freedom means we can freely explore our (and others) sexual needs.
Catchy slogans like “stay home and masturbate” are all over social media during the pandemic. I am glad we are finally having some time to explore ourselves, rather than having a quick jerk off within minutes in the shower.
There are many things we need to do, taking time to masturbate and have sex has to be one of them.
Last Thoughts
There you go, an overview of my value system that prepares me for a life of absolute limitless happiness. I am not joking. When I figured this out at the age of 27, my life has taken such a great turn. It’s impossible for me to be sad for very long because it’s possible to be that fulfilled and happy.
Instant happiness is doable, to render these three elements of happiness take time, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy now. That’s the amazing thing about it, instant happiness that perpetuates and deepens over our lifetime.
I didn’t make this up, I don’t think the truth can be made up by anyone. I am just interpreting what has already been discussed many times by people ahead of their time throughout history.
