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Abstract

now it. When you were happy, you laughed. When you were in pain, you cried.</p><p id="1ac2">However, as you grew and developed communication with the external world — first with your parents and then with the rest of your community — these feelings began to shape within you. They took hold of you when you learned to live not the way you wanted, but the way that was acceptable in the eyes of others.</p><h2 id="bc21">Shame</h2><p id="8cec">The feeling of shame is a social construct intended to keep you in line with social expectations and goes in hand with the fundamental fear of social rejection.</p><p id="93ca">Shame is a reflection of low self-esteem and an indicator that you aren't realized as an individual. When you feel ashamed, it means you yourself don’t understand what’s right and what’s not, so you rely entirely on the assessment of others. This manifests itself in the fact that you tend to assess the value and significance of your thoughts, words, or actions based on how people around you would react to them. You don’t have a view of your own, which means you are defined by the value judgment of your environment. And because you are afraid of rejection and abandonment, you choose to comply with that judgment, which makes you feel ashamed of how you really feel.</p><p id="e42c">If you experience shame often, you need to ask yourself what causes you to feel that way. Do you know what you stand for? Do you believe in it? What would happen if you chose to stick to your convictions? If you act solely based on what you feel is right, you will not feel ashamed. Ultimately, you can’t please everyone — even the most consensus points of view have its critics. Besides, it’s often the case that the perceived negative reaction from others is all in your head, hyped up by your own insecurities. More often than not, people don’t judge you and what you have to say, or they just don’t care.</p><h2 id="2804">Resentment</h2><p id="5182">Resentment is the knowledge of how things should be. It stems from your conviction about how the world around you <i>should </i>function and how people <i>should </i>treat you. For example, you may become convinced that:</p><ul><li>others shouldn’t hurt you</li><li>others should only talk to you in a certain way (e.g., calmly and friendly)</li><li>your spouse should adore you</li><li>your kid should only get straight A’s</li></ul><p id="42e7">From these convictions arise expectations. But then you learn that the environment around you is a complex system, people don’t act how you want them to, and society doesn't always function the way you expect. People can hurt you (albeit not always on purpose), spouses fall out of love, and kids misbehave. Your expectations end up unfulfilled. And you begin to resent people for wronging y

Options

ou.</p><p id="330d">You need to realize one simple truth: people do what <i>they</i> want to do. Nobody tries to hurt <i>you</i> on purpose. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and it’s pointless to bank on it to cater to your expectations. Get over yourself — your resentment doesn’t hurt anyone else but you. If someone causes you pain, don’t resent them — just walk away and move on with your life.</p><h2 id="df35">Guilt</h2><p id="2000">Guilt is the other side of resentment. Guilt is resentment directed at yourself.</p><p id="541b">Whatever demands and expectations you put up to the world, the same thing you will now expect of yourself. This is important to understand because every time you resent someone for not being what you want them to be, you imply that <i>you</i> do meet that standard and thus are superior to them. So, by judging others, you essentially force yourself into an obligation to deliver on whatever is the issue in question. And when you realize that either you fail to reach the ideal you conjured for yourself, or you don’t want to subject yourself to it anymore, you feel guilty and conflicted.</p><p id="e51e">For instance, you may have this perfect image of yourself as a super mom or the most supportive wife, and you do everything to meet that high expectation. However, one day you may need to take a business trip, or maybe you feel like spending a weekend alone to take a break in solitude — and you will <a href="https://readmedium.com/you-need-to-stop-feeling-guilty-b561b009f93c">feel guilty</a> to even think that. How could a super mom leave her family behind like this?</p><p id="bdd6">In these situations, you have to keep in mind that all of this pressure is self-inflicted. You’re doing it by imposing demands on those around you and yourself. When you stop resenting people for doing what they want, you don’t feel guilty for doing what <i>you</i> want.</p><h1 id="f47a">Conclusion</h1><p id="3dc2">The feelings of guilt, resentment, and shame are normal. They inevitably come with socialization, and it’s okay to experience them.</p><p id="461d">What’s not okay is to ignore them. If you let these destructive emotions simmer inside you for too long a time without making amends, not only do you continue living in constant stress and anxiety caused by your inner conflicts, but you also risk exposing yourself to psychosomatic issues, i.e., physical expressions of emotional problems. Some examples that most of you have likely experienced are migraines or stomach aches that appear during times of stress.</p><p id="da48">When you experience guilt, resentment, or shame, it’s an indication that your inner self is out of balance. It’s a sign that you need to pay attention to what’s going on in your life and take action.</p></article></body>

The Three Destructive Emotions You Shouldn’t Ignore

They alert you to the areas of your life that require attention — and action

Are you in touch with your emotions?

When you feel down, anxious, or uncomfortable — do you pay attention?

Or do you sweep these unpleasant feelings under the rug and carry on with your life?

If you go with the latter rather than the former, you’re probably afraid of facing reality because you choose to ignore the ringing bells of pain and distress.

You see, your emotions are the skin of your soul.

What purpose does your actual skin serve? Human skin is the largest organ of your body, and its main function is protecting you from external exposures that may be harmful and hurt you. Due to the nerve endings it harbors, your skin allows you to interact with your environment and signal if something in it is unsafe. This alert is meant to warn you that you need to remove yourself from the detrimental exposure. For instance, if you touch a burning stove, you will immediately pull your hand away.

And just like your skin protects your body, your emotions protect your inner self; they guard your soul.

Your emotions are indicators of whether or not you’re happy. Thus, negative emotions you experience point to an unresolved inner conflict that requires your attention. Deep inside, you usually know the root cause of your anxieties, but more often than not, you choose to ignore it, consciously or subconsciously, because truth can be painful.

So how do you know where you need to look? Which emotions should you pay the closest attention to?

The three strongest — and some of the most destructive, if dismissed:

Shame, Guilt, and Resentment

The Feelings You Harbor

Before we examine each of the three alarm bells of your emotional distress, one important thing you need to recognize is that all of these emotions are acquired. None of us are born with them. They aren’t natural to humans.

When you were a little kid, you didn’t have fears, guilt, or resentment. All you had was an insatiable curiosity about the world around you and a contagious desire to explore and get to know it. When you were happy, you laughed. When you were in pain, you cried.

However, as you grew and developed communication with the external world — first with your parents and then with the rest of your community — these feelings began to shape within you. They took hold of you when you learned to live not the way you wanted, but the way that was acceptable in the eyes of others.

Shame

The feeling of shame is a social construct intended to keep you in line with social expectations and goes in hand with the fundamental fear of social rejection.

Shame is a reflection of low self-esteem and an indicator that you aren't realized as an individual. When you feel ashamed, it means you yourself don’t understand what’s right and what’s not, so you rely entirely on the assessment of others. This manifests itself in the fact that you tend to assess the value and significance of your thoughts, words, or actions based on how people around you would react to them. You don’t have a view of your own, which means you are defined by the value judgment of your environment. And because you are afraid of rejection and abandonment, you choose to comply with that judgment, which makes you feel ashamed of how you really feel.

If you experience shame often, you need to ask yourself what causes you to feel that way. Do you know what you stand for? Do you believe in it? What would happen if you chose to stick to your convictions? If you act solely based on what you feel is right, you will not feel ashamed. Ultimately, you can’t please everyone — even the most consensus points of view have its critics. Besides, it’s often the case that the perceived negative reaction from others is all in your head, hyped up by your own insecurities. More often than not, people don’t judge you and what you have to say, or they just don’t care.

Resentment

Resentment is the knowledge of how things should be. It stems from your conviction about how the world around you should function and how people should treat you. For example, you may become convinced that:

others shouldn’t hurt you
others should only talk to you in a certain way (e.g., calmly and friendly)
your spouse should adore you
your kid should only get straight A’s

From these convictions arise expectations. But then you learn that the environment around you is a complex system, people don’t act how you want them to, and society doesn't always function the way you expect. People can hurt you (albeit not always on purpose), spouses fall out of love, and kids misbehave. Your expectations end up unfulfilled. And you begin to resent people for wronging you.

You need to realize one simple truth: people do what they want to do. Nobody tries to hurt you on purpose. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and it’s pointless to bank on it to cater to your expectations. Get over yourself — your resentment doesn’t hurt anyone else but you. If someone causes you pain, don’t resent them — just walk away and move on with your life.

Guilt

Guilt is the other side of resentment. Guilt is resentment directed at yourself.

Whatever demands and expectations you put up to the world, the same thing you will now expect of yourself. This is important to understand because every time you resent someone for not being what you want them to be, you imply that you do meet that standard and thus are superior to them. So, by judging others, you essentially force yourself into an obligation to deliver on whatever is the issue in question. And when you realize that either you fail to reach the ideal you conjured for yourself, or you don’t want to subject yourself to it anymore, you feel guilty and conflicted.

For instance, you may have this perfect image of yourself as a super mom or the most supportive wife, and you do everything to meet that high expectation. However, one day you may need to take a business trip, or maybe you feel like spending a weekend alone to take a break in solitude — and you will feel guilty to even think that. How could a super mom leave her family behind like this?

In these situations, you have to keep in mind that all of this pressure is self-inflicted. You’re doing it by imposing demands on those around you and yourself. When you stop resenting people for doing what they want, you don’t feel guilty for doing what you want.

Conclusion

The feelings of guilt, resentment, and shame are normal. They inevitably come with socialization, and it’s okay to experience them.

What’s not okay is to ignore them. If you let these destructive emotions simmer inside you for too long a time without making amends, not only do you continue living in constant stress and anxiety caused by your inner conflicts, but you also risk exposing yourself to psychosomatic issues, i.e., physical expressions of emotional problems. Some examples that most of you have likely experienced are migraines or stomach aches that appear during times of stress.

When you experience guilt, resentment, or shame, it’s an indication that your inner self is out of balance. It’s a sign that you need to pay attention to what’s going on in your life and take action.