HUMOR

The Things My Son Wished There Were No Such Things As

They are legion

“I wish there was not such thing as newspapers,” said the three year old to his Mimi, after crawling into her lap between her and the paper. Something like a puppy demanding attention.

A year later, he crawled into her lap between her and her computer, saying, “I wish there was no such thing as computers.” Seeking attention in the same way a cat does who sits on your keyboard. A sentiment he wouldn’t keep for long, of course, as computers became mainstream for kids. Except whenever his Mimi or his Mommy were on ours.

He said the same thing about telephones, when I was trying to talk to a friend and he was at my elbow asking questions or waving his arms wildly and yelling, “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom….” Imagine how he acted when I was on the phone talking to his Mimi.

“I wanna talk to Mimi. Can I talk? Let me talk! Mom, mom, mom…” Have you guessed yet he is an only child, and the only male grandchild, AND he came along when the other two grandchildren, twin girls, turned ten years old.

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure the girls were thinking, “I wish there was no such things as babies.” We have many a photo of him making cute or dumb faces, with them looking sullen.

When he was five, I decided to marry the guy I’d been seeing since my son was two. As we were running errands one day he said, “I wish there was no such thing as weddings.” He was actually right about that one. The marriage lasted eight months. Luckily we had gone to Jamaica to do it, so my son didn’t have to actually endure the wedding. “Just” the divorce. And my distraction before both.

“I wish there was no such thing as school.”

“I wish there was no such thing as homework.”

“I wish there was no such thing as cold.”

He also did a positive spin on it sometimes. When I was rushing him to get ready for church one Sunday, I told him we were going to be late.

He looked at me with soulful, wise eyes and said, “Mommy, there’s no such thing as time.”

What could I say? He was right again.