The Things in Life You Should Avoid When You Grow Up With a Toxic Parent

I grew up in a household with a toxic mother. She’s narcissistic and manipulative, and she continues to be to this day. I have learned to not communicate with her like I used to. Too much communication causes me to fall into a negative pattern as it is easy to be consumed her negativity.

Growing up, I was never good enough and constantly under her control. Her control has continued throughout my adulthood. I have spent many times in yelling matches to try to reduce her control while she cried. Crying is a part of her manipulation. She can cry at the drop of a hat. She uses it to get you to feel bad for anything she has done and turns things around so that she is the victim and not you. I suppose this is a tactic that worked throughout her childhood and worked for her when her own children were young. But now that we are all middle-aged adults, it’s no longer working for her. We have learned her tactics as we have gotten older.

She will tell lies to make you feel sorry for her. She even stoops as low to lie about me to my siblings and lies about my siblings to me. She will do anything so that she has drama in her life.

If you have lived with a toxic parent, I am sure you can relate. As you grow older, you will fall into certain patterns until you come to terms with being raised by a toxic parent. Self-awareness has been a huge thing for me. As I became more self-aware, I could see that I kept repeating patterns of the past because that is a pattern I became comfortable with as a child. There is no need to repeat these behaviors as you grow older.

Here are some things to avoid so that you don’t fall back into those patterns of behavior:

• A toxic romantic relationship. It is easy to fall into a relationship with someone that is toxic. If you were also raised by a toxic person, so falling for a toxic human being feels natural to you. You may not even realize it until it is too late. If you know in your gut that you were not treated well, growing up, please listen to your gut in your romantic relationships as well. Be sure to have established clear boundaries. I know I have struggled with boundaries because I was never permitted to have any boundaries growing up. And as an adult, my boundaries cause a strain in my relationship with my mother.
• A toxic workplace. Again, it is easy to fall into a toxic environment when it is something that feels natural. Toxic workplaces have a lot of red flags such as a high turnover rate; people are afraid to express their thoughts and opinions, there is a lack of communication from management, employees have a negative attitude toward management, bullying seems to be prevalent, etc. Do not settle into a place like this. It will make you miserable in the long run.
• Becoming a toxic parent. If you find yourself repeating your toxic parents’ style of parenting, you must be aware at all times of this. Stop yourself and gather your thoughts. Again, self-awareness is a huge thing. I always try to make sure I do not repeat any learned pattern of behavior that I know is toxic. I do my absolute best to parent in an opposite way.
• Toxic friendships. I once became best friends with a narcissist and didn’t realize it until it was too late. But the general idea with friendships is that if you find yourself giving away more than you get in return, it’s time to cut the cord. I had to cut the cord with my narcissistic friend. If your friend is bringing you down in any way, then they are not your friend.
• Addicts. This has been a tough one for me. A lot of friends I had growing up became alcoholics or drug addicts. And I have dated both an alcoholic and a drug addict. At times I have felt the need to help these people, or at times I hoped my love was enough for them to want to change. The truth is, people, change because they want to, and they have to want it for themselves. You can’t save anyone.
• Abusers. Being raised in a toxic environment will leave you feeling like you are unworthy. Don’t let your lack of self-esteem lead you to believe you deserve less than you do. Do anything to build up your self-esteem: go to counseling, read personal growth & development material, be sure to write daily affirmations, meditate, etc.

I hope that this gives some insight on what to avoid. A lot of self-improvement and growth comes from being more aware. Find some good tools to work on this. There are a lot of great books out there as well as therapists and counselors. There is so much out there that wasn’t a few years ago, such as life coaches and podcasts to listen to. Your options to heal from your toxic relationships are limitless.