The Thing About Back-to-School Night

One of the trials of being a parent is meeting your kid’s teachers

My wife and I get to the school at the same time, park our cars, and we meet each other at the main office door. I pull into the parking spot first and wait for my wife. As she walks on the sidewalk, we stop for a second, look into each other’s eyes and I say, “Well, This is it.”.

My wife smiles and says, “Well, think about it this way, it’s not parent-teacher conference night. We go through the schedule they give us and we’ll be out of here soon enough.”, then we walk through the main office door.

Once a year, for one night only, parents arrive at the school to enjoy a “day in the life” of their students. It starts with homeroom, then you spend fifteen minutes per class, walking the halls, smoking in the boys' room (wait a minute … that is back to school night in the 1950s), and the night concludes at your kid’s last class.

So, looking at a posterboard, written in black marker, pointed the way to the homeroom classroom. As we approached the room, it was about half full of desks, so we grabbed a few empty seats.

The homeroom teacher comes in and the bell goes off, signaling the start of the event.

“My name is Ms. A.”, the homeroom teacher says, “And I am your child’s homeroom teacher.”

The class nodded in acknowledgment.

“Your child spends very little time here. Usually for the first day of school, getting report cards, and …”

From the back of the room came a wave of, snoring.

Yes, snoring, apparently, one of the parents had enough energy to make it to back to school night, but couldn’t stay up DURING back to school night.

I looked to the back of the room and found this Dad with his feet kicked back, head pointing straight up the sky, and the “Z’s” started flying.

I said, “Lucky bastard!”

My wife hits my shoulder and says, “We’re here for the children!”

I reply, “He’s still a lucky bastard because he gets to sleep after a long day of work and I am in the back-to-school night!”

As the wife gives me the: “I’m not happy” look, Ms. A. raised her voice to try to talk over the snoring parent.”

“YOUR KIDS ARE WONDERFUL! THEY REALLY …”

“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”, the guy from the back of the room says (well .. maybe not says … but snores).

My wife nudges me and asks, “Can you wake this guy up?”

The bell goes off, signaling everyone moves to the first class. My wife says, “I’ll meet you in the first period and we can pass notes.”

Note: Back in the 1980s, no one could text each other during class, because that technology has not been invented yet. You have to rely on a system of notes, slowly passed between students without the teacher getting wise, to find out if a girl liked you or not. It would be called, “passing notes” and it happened a lot!

I got up from the desk. Ms. A was happy that I was going to take care of the problem. I was not happy that I was taking care of the problem. Walking up to the guy, I tried tapping him on the shoulder. Nothing happened I tapped harder, still, nothing happened.

Ms. A was getting impatient as the bell rang and the first period has begun.

“Hey.”, I said.

No reply.

“HEY,” I said louder!

The reply, “ZZZZZZZZZZZ!”

Then I shout, “OH NO! SOMEONE IS TOWING YOUR CAR!”

He woke up, shot out of the chair, and ran me over as (at a great rate of speed) left the classroom and out to his car.

Ms. A. saw me on the floor, shook her head from left to right, and proceeded to teach the first period. The other parents looked at me, made a few remarks, and listened to Ms. A. talk about classroom rules.

Ms. A. says, “One rule that I strictly enforce, is no snoring in class.”

I say, “Really? You could have fooled me!”

Bottom line: Back to school night is a chance to see your kid's teachers, ask questions, and be a part of your kid’s life. So, in order to engage in your kid’s life, you have to be awake and BE part of your kid’s life. This means … no snoring during the back-to-school night!

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