The Terrible 5: 5 Triggers for the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Ease the pain and move towards a secure lifestyle

Do you have fears about opening up and being vulnerable?

Showing up in relationships and being your “best self” can often feel like a tiring task, right?

Maybe you know the person you want to be, but you’re so affected by your past that you can’t even recognize the damage you’ve taken.

The truth is that these behavioral patterns come from having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

While this sounds like something you’ve never heard of, our attachment style is at the core of how we show up in relationships.

If you’re experiencing this, you’ll want to read into the emotional triggers at the center of your response in relationships.

Volatility in relationships

At a subconscious level, Dismissive avoidants place a high value on safety.

The irony is that this is due to the lack of safety they viewed in the relationships they saw during their childhood.

• Dismissive avoidants tend to experience safety through consistency and predictability.
• Emotional volatility can be triggering. A dismissive-avoidant will shut down when approached with inconsistent communication.
• Over time a Dismissive-avoidant will stop trying to bridge the gap in emotional connection and slowly give up on the relationship.

You might notice that your dismissive-avoidant partner becomes more attentive and actionable when a threat of breakup arises. Initially, this response will feel positive. Due to the inconsistency, the emotional damage will take over, and you will slowly see this “passion” fade away.

Personal Criticism

A dismissive-avoidant can deal with constructive criticism like they might hear in the workplace.

The criticism they will react negatively to is sharp words, words during fights, or overly blunt direct personal attacks.

• Criticism triggers the “I am defective” core wound.
• When a dismissive-avoidant feels shame, their instinct is to hide.
• You will see this behavior embedded in their subconscious, and you will see a dismissive-avoidant shutdown or pull away at the snap of a finger.

A great way to avoid this is to make criticisms that come from a place of collective growth. Direct attacks will only negatively affect your relationship. If you are the dismissive-avoidant, let your partner know this is your boundary for effective communication.

Expectations

When a dismissive-avoidant feels an expectation placed upon them, they can feel incapable.

We all have needs and boundaries. If either makes a dismissive-avoidant feel like they are due to their “weaknesses,” they can shut down quickly.

• Dismissive-avoidants want to show up, but when they don’t know how the action looks to their partner, they can feel like they’re failing.
• The “why bother” will take over. It is not because dismissive avoidants don’t care, but because their effort feels unappreciated.
• For example, “I want to feel loved” is a difficult concept for a dismissive-avoidant to act.

Dismissive-avoidants need to know the how instead of the what. To get a response from a dismissive-avoidant, be direct with what the need looks like in an actionable form. As a dismissive-avoidant, make it clear that the action or boundary is unclear.

Pressure to open up or be more vulnerable

Vulnerability is one of the biggest triggers for a dismissive-avoidant due to childhood wounds.

Dismissive-avoidants value independence. Any need to rely on someone else triggers a sense of weakness.

• Fear of being trapped and controlled by someone else.
• Instead of insisting they open up, create a safe space where you ask each other questions.
• Dismissive-avoidants need to feel a sense of validation when they open up, or they will feel like they exposed themselves.

Dismissive-avoidants want nothing more than to open up. They have a core wound around not feeling safe when they do. It takes time to break this barrier, but the more confident a dismissive-avoidant feels when they open up, the more the security will allow them to express emotions.

Not feeling acknowledged

Dismissive-avoidants don’t need a lot of attention or approval.

Dismissive-avoidants do highly value recognition of their efforts, however.

• When a dismissive-avoidant goes out of their way to meet a need, they have an internal feeling of the effort it took to do so.
• For example, “opening up” isn’t as simple as expressing emotion. It will feel like a deep dive into their past, even if they did not need to go that deep.
• Dismissive-avoidants are not looking for a cheerleader but want an ability to trust that someone hears and sees them.

It sounds contradictory that a dismissive-avoidant does not need attention but also appreciates acknowledgment. Wanting validation is due to a subconscious need to feel like “enough.”

My mini story

I am so passionate about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style because I am a recovering one myself.

It makes me feel weak at times to acknowledge this behavior, but that is the first step in healing.

As a dismissive-avoidant, I know my triggers and my negative responses to them, but attacking the actions behind those is difficult.

The best way I have practiced fixing this is by immediately writing down my feelings when triggered, even if I am in a state of “shutting down.”

I find it easiest to be vulnerable and open with myself, and I can then build a clear and concise message for why I feel this way. I can then tell others.

I have then been able to get the frustration off my chest of being a prisoner of my own emotions.

It’s hard as hell, I know. Trust me, I know.

You cant reach the mountaintop without starting the hike.

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